ZOV

A month and a half has already passed since I returned from the war in Ukraine, yes, yes, I know that you can’t say this word “war”, it was banned, but still I will say “war”, understand correctly, I am already 33 years old and all my life I’ve been telling only the truth, even to my own detriment, this is “wrong” and I can’t do anything about it. So this is a war, our Russian army shoots at the Ukrainian army, and it shoots back, shells and missiles explode there. Have you ever heard the sound of a shell approaching you? If not, it’s a pity, this unforgettable feeling of vibration and whistling of air when all your insides turn over, it’s simply breathtaking, then if you’re lucky, you hear an explosion and think that this is definitely your day, of course, if you understand that nothing was torn off from you by the blast wave and your body took some kind of splinter, but if not, then it’s not a good day and this time you’re out of luck, in short, it’s a lot of work…

At the same time, military personnel on both sides die, as well as civilians who were lucky enough to live where they decided to start a war, calling it a special operation.

Oh, yes, we must also not forget about the hunger, illness, sleepless nights, unsanitary conditions and life with constantly going off scale adrenaline that accompany the war, which consumes the resources of your body, giving strength, speed and reaction, but then when you return from the war zone, you feel like a squeezed lemon and you realize that your health is not at all what it used to be.

Then there is also the morally painful pressure of your conscience on your heart and soul, if they exist, of course, because you do not freely ask yourself the question why you are doing this and for what good. Why are you risking your life and leaving your health behind? Why are you messing up your already perhaps not the most cloudless karma.

Now I will tell you how I had to see this war and how I got into it in the first place. I am aware of the responsibility of disseminating information about my service, but to hide it, to me, means continuing to increase losses.

I was evacuated from the front line near Nikolaevsk because keratoconjunctivitis of the eyes began, after another artillery shelling on us, earth flew into the trench and got into my eyes, not very pleasant, but consider it bullshit, I was lucky, my eyes began to become inflamed and one of them began to close, after a few days, the paramedic said that I needed to be evacuated because… without treatment, you can be left without an eye, I was taken to the Med Detachment in Kherson, which we occupied, from where they were evacuated to Sevastopol. The feeling you get when you leave a combat zone is indescribable…

Two months of dirt, hunger, cold, sweat and the feeling of the presence of death nearby. It’s a pity that they don’t allow reporters to visit us on the front line, which is why the whole country can’t admire the paratroopers who are unshaven, unwashed, dirty, thin and embittered, it’s not clear what’s worse, the stubborn Ukrainians who don’t want to denazify, or our own incompetent command, unable to equip us even during hostilities. Half of my guys changed clothes and wore Ukrainian uniforms because they were of better quality and more comfortable, or their own were worn out, and our great country is not capable of clothing, equipping and feeding its own army. For example, from the very beginning I did not have a Ratnik kit and crossed the border without even having a sleeping bag. A week later the guys brought an old one, which the commanders did not give out, please note, with a broken lock, to say that I was glad to say nothing to him. Sleeping on the ground in a tattered sleeping bag in winter, on the front line, and in Ukraine there were frosts even in March, this is quite a trip. In short, somewhere in mid-March my legs and back began to hurt, I thought for a long time that it was muscles or ligaments and stupidly endured limping and attributing everything to the fact that we almost never took off our armor and helmets, but later I found out that from sleep on frozen ground, lack of water and food, combined with stress, I developed osteochondrosis of all parts of the spine, protrusions, a hernia in the neck, a sequestered hernia in the lower back and strange pain in the joints of the legs.

So about the evacuation, and then bam, and you are taken out of there and you feel simultaneously joy from the fact that you are leaving this ass and a feeling of annoyance from the fact that your comrades remain there and it is not known what will happen to them next, the feeling of happiness for yourself is mixed with a feeling of guilt before the colleagues who are there, and you leave them.

We were driving in a PAZik, the driver, and in the cabin there were 20 wounded people, dirty, exhausted, their uniforms were covered in blood, pain and melancholy were visible on the faces of those who were seriously wounded, those who were easily glad that they were finally leaving there, because… I was not injured, during the evacuation I was treated as if I was sick, so I sat on the step in front of the exit door (there weren’t enough seats for everyone) and many there were less fortunate than me, it took five to six hours to drive, I don’t remember exactly, at that very moment I finally relaxed and thought about the last two months of my life, what it was, why I needed it, whether I did something good or, on the contrary, bad, why I participated in it and how I ended up there in the first place. At that moment and to this day, an internal dialogue from a cocktail of conscience, patriotism and common sense does not stop inside me. If we turn to the templates, the answer will be that I am a military man, a paratrooper, I am obliged to follow orders and do not have the right to chicken out and not go to war when it began, I am obliged to serve for the good of my country and protect the people of Russia, but then common sense begins contradict and ask questions.

”How did Ukraine threaten Russia?”

Everyone around is saying that Ukraine wanted to join NATO. But are we attacking all countries that want to join NATO? Latvia, Lithuania, Estonia, Poland are already in NATO. Finland is now joining NATO. Turkey shot down our plane not long ago, but we quickly forgot about it, Japan lays claim to our islands.

Damn it, the USA borders us in the East, but for some reason all this is not a reason to start a war. We’re not attacking them, or is this just for now?

It turns out that this is not the reason.

”If we hadn’t attacked Ukraine, would they have attacked us?”

Many echo the TV that we launched a pre-emptive strike, but how can you believe that Ukraine would attack Russia, Crimea, if the AFU could not even hold their borders, they are waging a war on the defensive, suffering huge losses, anyone knows that the war in defense is easier than conducting attacking actions. How could this country, which is defending itself with difficulty, slowly but surely losing its territories, attack? And wouldn’t it be easier for our army to strengthen the borders and defenses around Ukraine and, in the event of an attack, meet the enemy on the defensive, break their offensive potential and go on a counterattack, because in this case, our losses would have been much smaller, and the world community would not have been able to accuse Russia of being an aggressor and brand our country as an occupier and invader. It turns out that Ukraine was going to attack Russia is also not true?

”Ukraine was enslaved by Nazism and they infringe on the Russian population?”

But strangely enough, when communicating with people who were in Ukraine before the war, no one could remember in person a specific case where someone somehow discriminated or offended him because he had a Russian surname or did not know how to speak Ukrainian. And some isolated cases of domestic conflicts on ethnic grounds can be found in any country in the world.

”We attacked to save the DPR [occupied Donetsk] and LPR [occupied Luhansk].”

What are DPR and LPR? After all, in fact and legally, these are two regions that were part of Ukraine, which rebelled and decided to become independent. Wouldn’t it be the same if Karelia wanted to go to Finland, the Smolensk region to Lithuania, the Rostov region to Ukraine, Yakutia to the USA or Khabarovsk to China, wouldn’t it be the same? Why are we protecting the LDPR? Did this make ordinary people in Donbas feel better? After all, in the Russian Federation we would not tolerate this, just as we once did not give independence to Chechnya, paying for it with thousands of lives. Why did we do the same thing to our neighbors? But at the same time, the leadership of the LPR and DPR, despite the support of the Russian government, was unable to provide their people with social security and give them security, which is why people fled en masse to Russia, Crimea and Ukraine. Communicating with people who fled the war in Donetsk and Lugansk, I did not hear any cases of Nazism that are being shouted about from our media. But everyone, as one, said that they were fleeing the war and that they just wanted to live and work peacefully. If we tried in every possible way to help the people of Donetsk and Lugansk, then why didn’t we limit ourselves to providing everyone with Russian passports, we have a lot of empty land that has never been touched by human hands, please let them come, live and work with us, why do we need territories in fact? foreign state? For what? Are we really not enough lands? Haven’t all those who wanted to live in Russia yet received Russian passports and moved to us?

 

At first they decided to motivate us with money and on February 23 our division commander announced that we would receive $69 per day, which at that rate was approximately ₽7000, (although here they cheated us and in the end we received ₽3500 per day) from the very first day when we realized that this was not the Crimean Operation “Polite People” or an exercise, but a full-fledged war had begun and crossing the border of Ukraine under volleys of MLRS missiles, accompanied by combat helicopters and aircraft, even then they began to say that such work was not worth any money. But we are defenders of the fatherland, paratroopers, the pride of the fatherland and money is not the main thing, and if you have to receive the order “Forward!” to the War, then something serious must have happened, maybe the AFU are already capturing Rostov or the Americans have landed in Kamchatka! Without laughing, I’m serious, at first I thought that something similar happened, since we went to break through the border of Ukraine and received the order to capture Kherson, I didn’t see any other logical explanation. Oh, sorry, I didn’t introduce myself…

Guards ml.s-t. Filatyev 6 DShR, 2 DShB, 56 DShP, 7 VDD. [sic: should be 56 DshB?]

Yes, yes, exactly the 56 DShB that our Defense Ministry S. K. Shoigu decided to disband right on the eve of this war. Probably in order to level the chances of Ukraine against Russia, last year the Brigade was disbanded, a staffed, well-coordinated and equipped Brigade of 3000 paratroopers, consisting of three assault battalions, a parachute battalion, a reconnaissance battalion, a tank battalion, which has its own artillery and air defense, is disbanded. In the brigade there were almost no vacancies; the team had been created for 20 years in Kamyshin! They are disbanding, ruining the fate of families, and scattering them all over Russia.

From the brigade they create a regiment, well, like a regiment, the regiment has only one name, leaving only one parachute battalion as standard, and transfers it to the Crimea in the city of Feodosia, combining it with the separate 171 assault battalion already located there, and from these two battalions they form a “regiment”, a regiment consisting of a parachute battalion, an air assault battalion and a reconnaissance company (the number of which is equal to a platoon). Not only is this not a regiment! Also, the airborne assault battalion was not fully equipped in terms of numbers. Moreover, our great reformers decided to create, as we were told, a Night-Experimental-Air Assault battalion by placing the entire battalion in ordinary UAZs, not armored! So that’s exactly how my 2DShB was sent to war, I also forgot to mention that the battalion consists of three companies, my Company went to war with about 45 people, and the other two with 60 people each, and that air assault battalion consisting of 165 attack aircraft, brilliant , well, basically, it’s me, everything looks better in the reports, because the battalion is about 500 people, and that’s exactly what the reports showed, the number of troops around Ukraine was about 200 thousand.

In my opinion, taking into account the corruption and the system of photo reports that has now proliferated in the army, when the command hides problems, about 100 thousand Russian troops crossed the border of Ukraine on the first day, and this is against 200 thousand military personnel of the AFU. Thanks to endless ridiculous experiments and a lack of common sense, the army has finally ceased to be an attractive and promising place for the “best youth”, a situation where there is a shortage in military universities, and contract service (which we have been heading towards since 2003) has finally become a place where people from the lower classes gather social circles (which, unfortunately, includes me), because the less educated and savvy you are with the law, the easier it is to manipulate you. In addition to all this, they destroyed the institution of conscript service, turning it into a mixture of a kindergarten with a colony settlement, when conscript soldiers, having completed their term, go into civilian life without learning absolutely nothing, then telling their friends about it, and anyone who had the opportunity prefers to simply avoid such a useless waste own life. But once upon a time, it was conscript soldiers who successfully fought in Afghanistan and Chechnya, successfully in terms of the fact that they completed the tasks assigned to them and did not suffer such losses as the current “professional army of the Russian Federation” has already suffered in Ukraine.

Yes, I forgot to tell you that I have been in the 56th Airborne Shock Brigade since 1993 and have been observing its collapse for 30 years.

I remember 1999, the beginning of the war in Chechnya, then, as a teenager, I accompanied my father there to the war. At approximately three o’clock in the morning, the 1st DSB lined up on the parade ground near the headquarters and the regiment commander conveyed to the battalion a combat order that it was necessary to carry out a forced march, that it was necessary to engage in battle with the bandit formations of the self-proclaimed Ichkeria (doesn’t remind you of anything? Isn’t that also how Ukraine reacted to LDNR?), that this is dangerous and if one of the soldiers for some reason does not want or cannot do this, then it is necessary to leave the ranks, that the reasons may be different, one in the family, religious or a sick mother, but then no one was out of order, not just one, although in addition to the officers, the battalion (about 500 people) consisted of conscript soldiers aged mainly from 18 to 20 years. It was a qualitatively and fundamentally different army. This is the army that they had in 1999. Yes, it was not ideal, it needed order and reforms, but the army of that time was head and shoulders above the one that has been “reformed” over the past 23 years.

As for the current one, a huge number of contract soldiers refused to go to the war with Ukraine.

Which also played a role in the failure of the “special operation”.

I remember that during the entire two months that I was on the front line, we hoped every day that they would replace us and allow us to move to the second line to rest, wash, wash, but this never happened, because as it turned out there was no one to replace us with…

 

First, I was taken to the city of Sevastopol, to the Orion hospital, our bus, which I spoke about above, arrived there at one o’clock in the morning… Before that there was a stop somewhere in Krasny Perekop, where a medical tent camp was set up on the territory of a civil hospital, where we were met by a medical detachment from Buinaksk, it mainly consisted of Dagestan women who greeted us with warmth.

We unloaded like wild people from the shelter, we were immediately surrounded by military doctors from Buinaksk, we felt a little wild because there was no shooting around, there was silence and there were different people, a feeling of calm and safety appeared, this is an indescribable feeling. The doctors quickly began to find out who needed a bandage, painkiller or other help, while escorting them to a cozy tent where a dining room was organized, very bright and cozy, at that moment it seemed to me like a corner of heaven…

There we were given a very tasty meal of stewed meat and barley soup; it was incredibly tasty at that time. I felt care and compassion from these women, it was a very strange and already forgotten feeling. It’s a very strange feeling because until that moment it seemed to us that something was happening everywhere, everyone was tightening their belts everywhere, like “everything is for the front, everything is for victory,” but then it finally became clear that life was ordinary everywhere, people were working, they relax, hang out in clubs, but the Internet is not blocked. Don’t be surprised, for the first two months we had practically no connection with the outside world and we lived in our own little world, in a war where, in addition to inhuman conditions, lack of food, water, sleep, warm clothes and normal human life, we experienced informational hunger, when you feed on rumors, from a driver who went to the rear for dry rations and there heard that the Internet is blocked, planes do not fly over the Crimea, the price of sugar has jumped tenfold, and the dollar has exceeded ₽120, being in the isolation of hostilities, you cannot evaluate the picture objectively and begin to think for yourself. It was because of this that I began to interrogate these women about what was happening in the world and what was written in the news.

I remember that they seemed upset to me, but they tried not to show it, perhaps because several buses like ours pass through them every day because of the ribbon and they understand that the special operation is not going according to plan, (or someone was there such a plan?) perhaps due to the fact that they themselves do not understand why this is all. I remember one of them who began to talk about being upset by the high prices, but at the same time joyful because “celebrities and traitors are leaving the country,” while for some reason she joyfully talked about the fact that Sobchak had been arrested, which I was surprised at the time (after all, a former presidential candidate), but then, as expected, it turned out that this was not true, like many other rumors.

After a half-hour stop there, when we were fed and bandaged and the wounded were numbed, we were taken further to Sevastopol, as I said above, to the Orion hospital. Arriving there at one o’clock in the morning, we wandered and screamed in the courtyard for another half hour, because stupidly no one met us. The guys who were already lying there came out, mostly our colleagues from the Airborne Forces, from the 11th Airborne Brigade, as we called them “Combat Buryats”, who were with us on the front line from the first days, they warmly received us, helped us unload and pounced with questions about how successes on the front line, there wasn’t much success there, we still stood on the demarcation line between the Kherson and Nikolaev regions, the AFU artillery fired at our positions, ours hammered at them, and between them we waited for reinforcements for a further offensive.

Half an hour later a woman came out dressed in a mixture of military and medical clothes, took us into the waiting room and they began to register and dress all the wounded here in pajamas and dressing gowns they sent me for surgery. I had a condition exhausted and all I thought about then was that I want it faster lie down and go to sleep, it felt like I had been hit by a train, that’s all. It hurt like crazy, I couldn’t explain it exactly, my back and legs hurt, in addition to eye problems.

When they finally checked in, they took me to a room where a nurse gave me some kind of potion and a pill, saying “to help me sleep better.” I was very surprised that the hospital was very modern and new, the rooms were for two people, the room had a shower, toilet, air conditioning and there was a second exit to the street directly from the room. It was fresh, quiet and cozy, after the trenches it seemed to me that it was better there than in hotels like Radisson or Hilton. During the war, I dreamed of a shower, but at that moment, despite the fact that my hands were black from ingrained dirt, I didn’t find the strength to shower, I just lay down on the bed and fell asleep, having slept all this time in one position, such bliss from the opportunity to sleep on a bed with clean linen, safety and silence will not be understood by a person who has not slept on the bare ground in the cold and shoes with a feeling of constant danger. While I was sleeping, my fellow soldier was put in my room, we arrived together in that PAZ, he had a ruptured eardrum in one ear, he could hear only in one ear. That’s how they put us together, blind and deaf. I don’t remember how long I slept, in the morning a nurse came and took blood from a vein, but I could only open my eyes slightly and I remember that I couldn’t wake up, my eyes closed on their own and I went back to sleep, but around lunchtime they woke me up and took me to another old building to see an ophthalmologist. The ophthalmologist was somewhere on the sixth floor and it was very difficult to get up there, the pain in the body radiated with every step, and the adrenaline to help was no longer released, so the plump elderly nurse who accompanied me got up there faster than me. The ophthalmologist examined me, the equipment there was not bad, as it seemed to me, the doctor said “this is normal terry keratitis in both eyes with astigmatism,” he also said that my vision in both eyes is -5.5 and began to write a long conclusion, at the same time calling and arranging with the ophthalmology department to transfer me there. As I later learned, in this exemplary hospital people are not kept for long, being shoved to other cities, hospitals and sanatoriums. After that, I was escorted back to the room where I finally went to the shower, washed myself for at least 30 minutes, scrubbing away the stubborn dirt under hot water. Then there was lunch, the food there was very good, literally home-style. After which I lay down again and passed out. In the evening, the doctor started waking me up and telling me to change my clothes, they were taking me to another hospital, I don’t know why, but it was very difficult to wake up, clumsily changing into my uniform, while simultaneously discussing future treatment with a ward mate, literally five minutes later she ran in again and began to become irritably indignant and declaring “what are you doing,” and I noticed that she had the rank of major, my irritation at that moment began to go off scale. Only in our modern army is this possible. Military doctors have their own structure and treat in hospitals, but in fact, they often have quite high military ranks and, according to military regulations, they are senior in rank, which is why they often behave very arrogantly towards ordinary contract soldiers.

From such military “doctors” you often hear a tone that our direct commanders in the Airborne Forces do not allow themselves.

It would be humiliating for any self-respecting adult man to be spoken to in this way, and reading in her eyes that she believed that she had some kind of superiority over me due to the fact that she was a major, her tone finally began to infuriate me. Those, you take part in hostilities, risk your life, forsake your health, while this madam here continues to increase her fat folds, and she yells at you and tries to “build [rile?] you up”, because she is a major, and you are a simple contract soldier and you also have a view now so-so-thin, overgrown, dressed in cheap hospital pajamas, and you get out of bed creaking like an old grandfather because your whole body hurts.

This kind of behavior is everywhere in medical military services, and I myself have encountered and heard from others that some Therapist or Surgeon from the medical service who has the rank of captain or major, but has never served a day in the real army, is trying not to treat you (his direct responsibility), but to build. And in the case of this madam-major, when you are already feeling bad, and none of the doctors came up to you all day and asked how you were feeling, so even at night they show up and irritably yell that you slowly get ready. I think my eyes weren’t too wild back then, but all I could squeeze out was “Don’t yell at me!” and continued tying the laces on my boots, at the same speed as before, but not to specifically annoy her, but because I couldn’t go faster. Madame Major was outraged by this, it was clear from her that she was used to commanding and ordering those who came to her for “treatment” and she screamed “How are you talking to me! I’ll call the military police.”

I stood up, moved away from her, sat further away and also answered her, raising my voice, “Get away from me, call the military police, but there is no need to yell at me.” Outraged by the fact that she did not receive a portion of self-satisfaction, from the fact that she was dominating someone, Madame Major left the room, scaring me with the military police, although without any legal grounds for this. A couple of minutes later, having tied my shoelaces and said goodbye to my deaf comrade in the ward, I went out with a large garbage bag on my shoulder (I didn’t have a backpack) containing my camouflage coat and sneakers (a gift from a Stavropol special forces soldier). Going out into the yard I saw that the vehicle that should have been waiting was not there, i.e. the tale that someone was tired of waiting for me there was fictitious, it was raining outside and I stood there for another ten minutes, because I was also annoyed by this hysterical doctor with the rank of major, having decided that I would rather stand here than go back and meet her again. A UAZ “loaf of bread” rolled into the yard. I got into the vehicle, Madame Major came out, gave the driver some of my documents and told him not to give them to me, we drove off. By the way, it was she who slept soundly last night and dissatisfiedly came out half an hour later to meet us, while we evacuees stood for half an hour on the street, in the cold in the yard, to hell with me, but almost all of us had shrapnel and bullet wounds, some of the bandages had long been soaked in blood, and some were groaning because the painkillers had stopped working, okay, when you have to endure it in a war zone, but when we are “at home”, when all the social services that are maintained by the state for this very purpose should work, and they behave so carelessly, isn’t this a threat to the security of the country when someone… for this he may not survive or remain crippled, isn’t this criminal medical negligence… but as you know, the military was forbidden to disclose problems in the army.

I would like to be unbiased, because perhaps this woman is not a bad person and treats her work responsibly, but the fact that she overslept the arrival of the bus with the wounded is a consequence of the fact that the hospital has an acute shortage of staff and huge overtime hours that are probably not paid, I have heard a lot of complaints from nurses and doctors, but again I wonder if they themselves are to blame for this? After all, they, like the rest of us, do not complain to labor committees, the prosecutor’s office, the courts (which are a big problem to appeal to), that they have to do the work of several people, that they are not paid for overtime, that they do not have the necessary medicines and equipment, they endure, which ultimately affects the quality of their work and, as a result, they take out their anger on others. For example, the paramedic who sent me to be evacuated from the front line asked me to be transferred to the medical detachment, that he doesn’t have syringes and painkillers, there’s not even that on the front line, if they just wanted to get rid of us all, then there’s no question, but if not, then who will be responsible for the thousands of lives of Russian soldiers who followed orders and did not receive high-quality medical care guaranteed by law!

Why maintain a medical service as a branch of the military at all, I’m not talking about field and emergency medicine? What is the problem with having independent modern hospitals for the military, where the doctor will treat me, and not try to build me? How can you even put a person engaged in real military service in the same status as a military man and a person who has no relation to the real army, and at the same time they are treated in the military hospitals are far from good, but they receive all the benefits of a military man who is given high military ranks and who will not rot in the trenches like you…

One of my friends who died at the Nikolaevsk airport, in the summer he was diagnosed with an inguinal hernia in our hospital in Feodosia, he told how, already lying on the operating table under local anesthesia and realizing that he had already been cut, he heard the doctors whispering that he did not have a hernia! There are thousands of such stories, but it is not possible to achieve the truth and punish the guilty, this is how the system of interaction between services and justice is structured. Ordinary contract soldiers are often not legally literate enough, and the military prosecutor’s office does not provide assistance unless, in their opinion, something interesting has happened to them at the moment.

Continuing the topic, I will already speak out about the fact that I am generally against women in the Russian army, or let them serve as in the Israeli and US armies, i.e. on an equal basis with men, or they are not needed there at all. Only in our army, women, in the overwhelming majority, serve as decoration, who are often placed there by husbands and lovers, not counting isolated cases of company paramedics, sometimes actually trying to help someone somehow, despite small powers. I’m generally silent about the civilian ranks of Generals, who are higher in rank and position than regimental commanders, this should have been thought of, you really shouldn’t understand or appreciate your army. If we continue the topic of military medicine of the Russian army, then it is enough to simply compare the IPP, the first aid kit of a Russian soldier and an American one, now often found among the Armed Forces of Ukraine, in ours tourniquet, bandage and promidol, and as practice shows, not everyone on the front line has this, but looking at the American, then without experience you won’t immediately understand what it is, the best parallel would be a comparison of a Lada and a Mercedes. But we were forbidden to talk about our service, otherwise suddenly everyone would know about these problems; it’s easier to hide it than to fix it.

While the driver was taking me to the other end of the city, to the ophthalmology department, I smoked and tried to stop being angry. I learned from the driver that in this new hospital they don’t keep anyone for a long time and everyone is scattered to other hospitals and sanatoriums in different cities. Paying attention to the folder given by Madame Major to the driver, I asked him to let me see what it was, when I opened it I saw a certificate form where my health problems, many indicators that were not actually carried out on me, there were a lot of sheets and everything was about my health, by the way, most of the parameters were drawn up on paper, it was written that during a special operation in Ukraine, earth got into my eyes…

Perhaps due to the endless paperwork and heavy workload, doctors do not have the time to pay more attention to treatment, what other explanation is there for this?

Complains of pain in the back and legs…

At the bottom, in a bright light green marker, is a handwritten inscription: “Behaving aggressively, violating military discipline!”

That’s all you need to know about the army, if you are not quick enough in front of senior officers and do not pretend to be stupid and agree to everything, then you will be branded, and it is almost impossible to obtain compliance with military discipline from them in relation to you in a legal way. Because of this, some people lose patience with injustice towards themselves and simply enter into open conflicts with the command, which immediately means the end of their career, because in the current army all that is needed is “Gerasim will agree to everything.”

The night trip around Sevastopol is over, we are entering the territory of a military hospital, there is a huge territory here, but the buildings are no longer the first freshness, the heritage of our ancestors from the USSR, like almost everything that surrounds us is from another great country of the past. I am again dragged through the registry and sent to the ophthalmology department. The time was already around 21:00. The building of this department is not at all the same, and I sinfully thought that those returning from the front would be treated well, this hospital looks like an Armata tank and much more, ostentatious.

At the entrance, an elderly nurse meets me, gives me old slippers of different sizes and puts me in a room with a young conscript, they take me to an ophthalmologist who re-examines me and prescribes treatment…

The whole week of treatment I sleep, eat, watch news from Ukraine on TV in the lobby to collect all the available information and communicate in the smoking room with the guys, almost the entire department is occupied by the wounded, with shrapnel, burns and eye contusions.

Watching the news on TV, I couldn’t understand why there was no truth there, the war was hardly sanctified and I didn’t see any objectivity. Here are two cases worth hearing.

On the very first day, I eagerly sat in front of the TV screen expecting to hear real news from the front, but apart from the solid water and it’s not clear where the reports were filmed, I feel dissonance from what I saw and show on the News, there, standing in positions under fire, I had the impression “Not a step back, Stalingrad is behind us” we need to hold on by any means possible, our hunger, illness, lack of sleep and losses are not important, but according to the News they say that the losses are minimal and we are endlessly supplied throughout the country with everything the soul could desire. The presenter begins to tell short news that there was a fire on the cruiser Moskva, which was successfully extinguished and the cruiser was towed somewhere. This news did not seem interesting to me; I don’t understand anything about maritime affairs. But then one guy sitting next to me says, “This is my ship, there is no more Moskva,” the guy also has something wrong with his eyes after the explosion and from him I learn that Moskva is the pride and flagship of the Black Sea Fleet, that they were 40 km from Odessa from where they launched missiles and that three missiles, two of which hit the hull, the ship began to burn, the crew was evacuated, but not all…

Another week the loss of the ship was hidden, But now everyone will know about this loss, shame and sadness, I don’t think that Peter I and F. F. Ushakov would be proud of the state of the current fleet.

After his story, everything returned to its place and I remembered that you can’t trust TV…

The second important point about conscripts.

A young, thin and stooped conscript boy was lying there. From the conversation I learned that he had also been in the war. As they told him, he needs to go, you won’t have to do anything, you’re a signalman. Their unit was an artillery unit, on the very first day of the war they went to Kherson, on the bridge in front of the Dnieper they collided with the AFU, we were also there somewhere, part of our regiment, together with the 11th DShB, made its way across the bridge and fought there, and the artillerymen, realizing that they had arrived at the front line and seeing the Ukrainian Grads, they turned around and drove back along the highway to deploy the howitzers for battle, it was already dark, they, like everyone else, had no working communications, and the vehicles had poorly distinguishable Zs. In the darkness, part of the column was shot up, vehicles were burned, 200, 300 others fled in panic in the dark, this guy with several comrades escaped and the next day came out to ours. As far as I know (I saw this column in the morning) and the conscript also says that the column was shot by their own people. It seems that corruption and chaos in the army are too expensive. To die like this, on the first day of fighting from friendly fire, who will be responsible for these lives and the wounded?

After all, the reason for their death was not the professionalism of the Ukrainian army, but the chaos in ours.

After a week of treatment, my eyes became white again and opened, the doctor allowed me to put on lenses [glasses?] and I began to see well again, including the shabby state of the department in which I was lying, where there was one toilet for 40 people.

Patients were not detained there because there was no shortage of new ones, new ones arrived every day.

Before discharge, I was sent to the trauma department because I complained of pain in my back and legs, it was painful to get out of bed, climb stairs and walk. In the trauma department, a cheerful and ruddy fat man (probably also a major) listened to my complaints and sent me for an X-ray. Having taken X-rays of the bones of the legs and spine, they cheerfully told me that the bones were intact, and if the pain did not go away, then I should go to the hospital at my place of service. It was unpleasant to have such a disregard for the doctor who is paid by the state for my health, but I myself did not understand what was wrong with me and the prospect of “freedom” beckoned me beyond the gates of the checkpoint, after all this I really wanted a normal human life, home comfort, a drink and delicious food, or at least just walk around the city and look at people…

From the Sevastopol military hospital, all those arriving from Ukraine were sent to the Marine Corps military unit located on the other side of the city, they were taken to the UAZ “loaf”, (cool vehicle, why don't deputies drive it?) in which the gasoline ran out and we 7 wildlings spilled out of it near the Subway supermarket, frightening passers-by with our crazy eyes, beards and tattered uniforms. Everyone was from different cities, Cherkessk, Volgograd, Rostov, Nalchik, Ulan-Ude and everyone wanted to go home as quickly as possible. I remember one guy from Volgograd, still wearing his uniform marks of friend or foe remained (left hand and right leg with a white bandage) he was a mechanic-driver of a BMP3 (the old one was not lucky), a Javelin flew into the BMP, the vehicle burned down, the crew died, he was the only one who survived, the little guy stuttered terribly, he could only pronounce one word from 5 to 10 seconds, he said that they wanted to send him to a psychiatric hospital, but he fought back, wrote a refusal of medical assistance and went home…

Having reached the Marine Corps unit, we were taken to one of the barracks, which was designated for those who had been discharged from the hospital and were sent there to await being sent to the unit. I don’t envy this unit.

Hundreds of people who returned from the war, who are going crazy after what they experienced and the feeling of incredible happiness that they survived and returned to civilization, someone stutters badly, I saw two with memory loss (they either remembered where they were from, or forgot) many people drink hard there, drinking away what they earned, going out to prostitutes at night and spending ₽100 thousand a day (some don’t go home for up to 10 days), many of them received ₽3 million for injuries, some for a broken rib, some for a bullet. I can understand them, because the roof is really torn and I want to get everything that I could not afford there, especially after what I experienced, returning from the war you feel that you were born again, but I preferred to leave on the same day because I understood that such a spree in the company of comrades in arms, people who have experienced the same thing as you, with those who now understand you better than the people closest to you, can be very addictive (from 2007 to 2010 he served in Chechnya and fell into the same courage), but I didn’t receive ₽3 million, like many others, on my card account for 2 months of the “special operation” I had ₽215 thousand. At that moment I thought about the fact that our deputies, useless to society, whom the people don’t even know, receive ₽500 thousand a month without leaving their health and life for the good of Russia, and a normal programmer will earn this money in a month. This is the current reality.

By the way, about ₽3 million, we call them “Putin’s”, according to the decree on the receipt of injuries, concussions, mutilations, wounds to participants in a special operation in Ukraine, and so they stopped paying them, choosing victims in a strange way, when a person’s situation is completely serious, for someone the fragment did not go deep enough into the body and they don’t pay anything, but someone was paid for a broken finger in the first days of the war. There are also rumors that someone is making good money from this by wounding some soldier, but he doesn’t talk about it knows, provides the necessary details and voila, the business is ready. There are also rumors that someone is enrolled in the war, receives money, but in fact is simply located somewhere else. For example, I’ve been in Russia for two months already, but for some reason I still receive ₽120 thousand per month, and someone didn’t receive a penny at all, because… was in the garrison and no complaints to the Ministry of Defense solved this problem. This decree only increased corruption and discontent in the army, a leg was torn off for ₽3 million, a rib was broken for ₽3 million, but the shrapnel only pierced your skin - you’ll get by. I don’t even want to talk about those who deliberately shot themselves in the foot, because if his salary ₽30,000 (like mine), then for the sake of ₽3 million he needs to work 100 months!!! (great temptation).

Well, basically, how do those at the top know about this and understand about the problems of ordinary soldiers, who must do all the dirty work. The reports are probably fine.

In general, I preferred to leave this place as soon as possible, without obtaining travel documents. Having arrived at my unit, I was almost immediately given a 2-week leave (last year I didn’t take the veteran’s leave and they went to meet me) with the condition that after the leave I would return, “save Nazi-occupied Ukraine.”

Now it’s time to clarify how I feel about war. Like almost any sane military man, I have a negative attitude towards war. Of course, I love everything related to military affairs, like most men, I grew up in this after all. But as they say “about war Those who will not take part in it will shout loudest.” In general, I don’t understand why we need a war with Ukraine, I don’t see any significant reason for this, and even more, I was against the annexation of Crimea (where I am writing these lines) and “stirring up the mess” in the LPR and DPR, especially since Ukrainians are the closest people to Russians, for me this is nothing more than a Civil War. My great-grandfather, after whom I am named Pavel, was a kulak from Ukraine, went through the First World War (which, by the way, in fact brought nothing but death and suffering for our country) where he was gassed by the Germans and never smelled the smell again, and upon his return home, was dispossessed and exiled to Siberia, since then, over a hundred years, power has changed hands and now his great-grandson Pavel was sent to his great-grandfather’s homeland to leave his health also for the sake of nothing. Tsar, then Leader, then secretary, now president…

As they say, “the boyars swear, the slaves’ hats fly off,” it would be correct, in my opinion, if Putin and Zelensky came out once and for all and sorted out “whose is what,” and tens of thousands of Ukrainian, Russian military and civilians continued to live, hundreds of thousands. They didn’t lose their health, but millions lost their homes and property. But I was forbidden to say this, I don’t have any rights to it, so I won’t offer it, so no one will ever see such a picture.

After all, who am I to think about this, an ordinary contract paratrooper, they gave the order, the Airborne Forces said “Yes!”

After all, the army is truly built on unity of command. And in my opinion, this is true, because indeed, if someone attacks our country, and the army begins to think about whether it is right or wrong, good or bad, true or false, then it could cost Russia dearly, our cities could begin to be bombed and captured, our family and friends will suffer until every soldier understands that the command was right.

We followed the order; for me personally, it would have been embarrassing and disgraceful to refuse to cross the border of Ukraine on February 24, because I did not have the information at that time and did not know the strategic and military-political situation. The big guys at the top should have all this information; it is for this purpose that the people of our country have been given almost unlimited power, trusting them in order to increase or at least preserve the prosperity, power and greatness of our country. The strength of the Russian army is in their hands, if at the top they forgot about this, then this power was endowed by their people and not in order to destroy people, but in order to protect our country and its people, so that the horror of the Tatar-Mongol invasion, Moscow burned by Napoleon or Stalingrad what was destroyed by Hitler was not repeated. But by forgetting or ignoring this, Russia is turning into the Fourth Reich for the whole world. Who is guilty? I? In reality, I am observing Russia’s endless fall into the bottom of the world. I am a person raised in a military family, my father served in the same 56DShP which I now serve, and I have been observing the collapse of the Airborne Forces all my life.

My father took part in the UN from the Russian Federation, a peacemaker in Yugoslavia, in the first and second Chechen company, he gave all his health and life as a patriot of the Russian Federation, he sincerely believed in good intentions, during the second company in Chechnya, he had only one kidney, it was a shame for him to refuse, he went through both Chechechen campaigns…

In 2017, he died of cancer, my last conversation with him was about whether he regretted it, I took him from the Volgograd oncology hospital home to Kamyshin, he was then 52 years old. The distance from Volgograd to Kamyshin is 200 km, it was the beginning of August, a month before he had his bladder removed and, as I said above, since 1999 he had been with one kidney, continuing to serve in the Airborne Forces, taking part in hostilities and at the same time, for example, doing pull-ups 30 times. He was diagnosed with cancer two months ago, it became very bad, he urgently needed to have an operation, but it was not possible to get help from the army, in Burdenko, for example, and the operation was performed in Nizhny Novgorod for a fee. In Volgograd, it was then only necessary to change the tube from the catheter in container from the last bud.

I remember that the whole day was spent in queues, in the stuffiness, from which even I, healthy, began to feel dizzy, and in the end some commission where they supposedly decided something about whether to put him through this procedure or not, I remember my father, ( several months before this he was a strong, athletic man) he sits haggard, thin, missing one kidney and a bladder, in front of a medical commission of about seven people, at the head of this commission is a woman about 35 years old, who rudely and irritably asks some questions, I look at father and I understand that he is already very bad, he does not understand what she is asking, and the woman doctor continues to ask questions, raising her voice more and more at him, I was just torn, I yelled at them all! I don’t understand how you can communicate with sick people like that! I I don’t understand why our country is so unfair, in which people give up their health and lives for the sake of it, and respect for them is reduced only to propaganda chatter on federal channels, I don’t understand how rotten our society is if doctors allow themselves to behave this way with patients.

After shouting at them, I left and went to the head doctor, I remember that I flew into her office and told her that he was a military pensioner and a veteran and that if they didn’t do the procedure that he needed now, then I would leave him here to die and go for journalists, FSB, prosecutor’s office, police, anyone, but he will remain here. Strangely enough, the doctor ordered that everything be done for free, either she really felt sorry for us, or she was scared, or there were still people with souls left in this system. So, driving my father back after several days in that hospital, I talked with him for 200 km of the road, thoughts from this song reigned in my soul, Blue Berets “Tell me father, tell me”, before reading further, listen to it…

I was very upset for him, for the indifferent attitude towards a combat military pensioner on the part of our rotten system; of course, he was paid a military pension, but it was small, about ₽15 thousand. At the same time, the disability was never formalized, because there you will have to go through several circles of Hell during your lifetime, proving that you are disabled. This Man was a true patriot, a paratrooper of that old Soviet guard which, unfortunately, no longer exists. To the end, even being in the position described above, he believed in the good intentions of the government for the country and that they could make our country and its army better. He once refused to emigrate to Germany (my great-grandmother was German and was also exiled to Siberia), believing in Russia and its government and considering himself only Russian. Even despite the fact that, as a 52-year-old military pensioner, he was denied help from military medicine and had to be treated for a fee in civilian hospitals, and he was literally now disabled and no one except his family and a few old friends needed him. I was offended for him, because he received all these diseases while serving in the wars of Russia, he had nothing but a pitiful pension, and when he needed treatment, the state simply forgot him, like many others who left their health and lives for yachts and palaces and luxury, but for the sake of the happy future of the Great Country and its long-suffering people, to whom the ancestors who defeated fascism bequeathed - If only there was no war! Then I felt and understood that he had very little time left to live, but out of resentment for him, for the fact that he left his family so early, at only 52 years old, I talked with him about politics, about Chechen companies, corruption and the collapse of the army, I asked if he regretted that he gave his health to the army, and in response, they didn’t even treat him, despite the fact that they were shouting from all the cracks about its rise and the invincibility of Russian weapons (even then I didn’t believe it, seeing the kitchen from the inside).

In response, he protested that everything is not so bad, that everything around is getting better and will only get better, our army is moving in the right direction, and the president is doing everything right…

Because of this, we quarreled and were silent for the last half hour of the journey. Having taken him home and leaving him with my sister and mother, I got into the vehicle and left (at that time I was working in Volgograd), three weeks later I returned to bury him. The state gave him a free gravestone, a place in the cemetery and a salute from the funeral team… I really regret that I started that last conversation then, but it still sits inside me, that nothing is changing for the better in the army, why are these problems not being solved?

 

I have to tell you a little about myself to complete the picture about myself. From 2007 to 2010, after sergeant training for OVGO units [security of important government facilities], I went on a contract to Chechnya in 46 OBRON [separate special purpose brigade], I was very interested in seeing real service, my father, despite the fact that once suggested that I go to a military institute, began to dissuade me from going to Chechnya, I decided that I would do everything myself. My brilliant (as it seemed to me then) plan was to serve in the army and, without competition, enter a military institute. Despite the fact that not everything was ideal then, now 12 years later I understand that then the service there was much more serious.

Having decided that I would deceive the system, I quit half a year before the end of the contract. I already had a veteran’s certificate, which gave me the right to enter a military university, and my military service ended. A year later, I am preparing for admission, passing commissions and preparing documents. I graduated from school in 2005, then there was no Unified State Exam, but now it is mandatory for everyone. As a veteran, I need to make the passing grade, without preparing to take the Unified State Exam, I score the required number of points. I’m going to a military institute in Saratov, but as it turns out, my Unified State Exam did not come there and they are denying me admission. Having poked around there in search of justice, going to the prosecutor’s office and not finding any way out, I vow never again to have anything to do with this system and the unjust state. I’m applying by correspondence to become a history teacher, because it seems like you need to have a higher education, it’s not clear why, everyone says so, so it’s necessary. Soon I connect my life with horses. At first I was a groom, then a horse breeder, having studied in different places and as I gained experience, I became a groomer, a riding instructor, a stud farm manager, and eventually again became close to the state, becoming the leading horse breeder in the now well-known Miratorg. Initially, I was very happy about this, I developed through my work, the company developed dramatically thanks to the state budget, about 300 American and Australian cowboys worked there, who shared their invaluable experience. The entire company purchased equipment, livestock, horses and technology from the West, for money that I cannot imagine. Everything seems cool, but in 2017, our state decides to fight with everyone again, breaking contracts with all Americans from the Miratorg company, in response to sanctions. It got to the point of being funny, they were photographed in a bar, drinking beer, and on the basis of this, contracts with them were broken; everyone from this approach had a feeling of shame in front of the people who shared their invaluable experience with us. The whole point, the whole technology of growing marbled Black Angus beef, is tied to American horses and cows. Having severed relations in such a nonsensical manner, the board of directors sets the task of import substitution, absolutely not delving into the fact that Western supplies are not produced in Russia and Quarter Horses are not raised. In Russia there were a lot of beautiful horses that we inherited from the USSR (which began to disappear over the past 30 years), but there are no breeds of horses that were suitable for this work in terms of their qualities. But no, the task was set as “giving birth” in the army. Trying to find saddlery workshops that are capable of making such equipment, I was horrified to realize that in Russia there is no production of even such a simple thing as a snaffle [bit?], this is an ordinary piece of iron inserted into a horse’s mouth to control it. Trying to cast a spell and appreciate my position, I collected horses in the Caucasus, for which the company allocated a budget of ₽75,000 (lowest price for a horse on the market). At this low price, it was necessary to select, find and bargain to bring in young and healthy horses. On the farms, workers were massively dissatisfied with the lack of horses and equipment, which prevented them from doing their jobs. Arriving at the newly opened farms, I saw horses and cows in terrible condition, workers expressed dissatisfaction with the state of affairs, farms were opened one by one at the request and plan of the board of directors, but no one cared about how things were going there, the main plan and reporting. They demanded that I control and reassure people by any means, promising them what would not happen. The plan must be carried out, no matter if you don’t want it, there will be another, people are there, it’s a tool and nothing more. Everyone in the company knew that essentially all this belonged to Medvedev, his wife was on the board of directors, it was not the brothers who were running the company. The company became a virtual monopolist, occupying the Bryansk, Oryol, Kaluga, Smolensk and Kaliningrad regions. Communicating with people in high positions in the company (among whom there was also a high turnover), I had to hear more than once that so much money was poured into the company that it does not have a payback period, it lives off the budget, from subsidies. In 2018, a new surprise appeared: in connection with the board of directors coming under sanctions, new restrictions began in the company, all leading specialists were deprived of compensation for rented housing, in defiance of employment contracts. Someone is trying to defend their rights, someone is trying to sue, I decide to quit there, realizing that all this is more expensive for myself. There they didn’t pay me as much as they promised when I got hired, and in the end they also deprived me of funds for rent. Those, minus ₽15,000. Regretting that I contacted the state again, I decide that this is probably not the place for me. I’m starting to look for attempts to travel abroad. In general, see what it is?

In a month, I have the opportunity to go to Germany, to Bavaria, to exchange experiences on horses. I remember my excited state from this, going abroad for the first time. I heard so much about this, but the information was very contradictory, some spoke enthusiastically, and somewhere they said that everyone there was gay, everything was terrible and there was nothing to do there. But you have to see for yourself and draw your own conclusions. As a result, I was endlessly surprised by the order, beauty, cheerful people, the fact that it is full of pensioners enjoying life, the fact that there are horses at almost every step in Bavaria, they are not a luxury item there and many Germans know how to handle them, because they feel like a professional in Russia, I developed a sense of self as an amateur in Germany…

Honestly, I wanted to stay there, but I didn’t find legal ways to do this, and of course I didn’t have the money for this. After a while and also not finding myself in Russia, I decided to firmly leave, I had a feeling that I was not needed in my homeland. Australia and Canada were suitable for emigrating by profession, I learned the language and prepared for this. But then Covid came in 2019, the whole world began to close off from each other, and I had to accept this reality. Unsuccessfully hanging around and working part-time with horses in different places, and the salary in this narrow field was falling, at the beginning of 2021, I decide to return to the army, my years go by, and by the age of 33 I still don’t have my own home, I decide that it should be the Airborne Forces and it was precisely the regiment in which I grew up, the 56th DShB in Kamyshin, despite the fact that the Defense Ministry S.K. Shoigu, decided to disband it and transfer it to Feodosia, in Crimea. I decided what fate means, if I return to the army, then only to where I grew up. After the difficulties of getting a contract, I received an order to come to the unit.

 

On August 18, 2021, I re-signed the contract. Initially I wanted to sign a contract in Kamyshin 56DShB (where I grew up, where my father served). But as I said above, the big guys at the top decided to disband it to the strength of one battalion and transfer it to the city of Feodosia, Crimea River, in Feodosia several years earlier, the 181DShB had already been created, on the basis of which it was planned to create the 56DShB of 2 battalions. I fundamentally I wanted to serve in 56, so I went to serve on August 8, 2021 in Feodosia, in the 181st DShB, so that from December 1, 2021 I could serve in the 56th DShB.

Having arrived in Feodosia on August 18, 2021, quite happy, I quickly began to lose optimism from what I saw.

Crossing the checkpoint, where I showed the documents with the contract order, wonderful views of my new home opened up in front of me. Immediately behind the checkpoint there is a small parade ground with holes and broken-down concrete, in front of it there are two old broken-down 2-story barracks, an old canteen and a small area for airborne training, preparation. While I was going to the personnel department, located in one of the barracks, crossing the parade ground I came across 2 mating dogs (the kind ladies in the canteen feed them regularly, which is why a pack of stray dogs has taken root there perfectly). Having arrived at the personnel department and handing over the documents, they said that there is no command now, so go serve, having learned that my company is here on the second floor, I go there. Having gone up and met several contract soldiers, I find out that there are no officers here now, contract soldiers cannot live in the barracks, because in my company half of the conscripts, and there seem to be no free beds there, there are no places in the hostel (and the hostel, as I was warned right away, which I later became convinced of, is a Sewer), they advised me to go to the neighboring barracks in another company, I go there and explain the problem to the commander of the other company, he says that here on the floor there is a cockpit of a mortar battery, they are at the training ground, but there scouts from 56 brought equipment (reformation began, 56 was transporting some of the equipment here), I go to them, get to know them, they are good guys and fellow countrymen, they have one free bed, I think very well, the main thing is to get over it for now, everything will get better soon, because new barracks have been built behind the fence since the beginning of the year… but even after a year, they still haven’t completed it, but I’m getting ahead of myself.

During conversations with intelligence officers, they question me without understanding why I signed the contract, I tell them about stability and a mortgage, and they twist their finger at my temple, okay, I think, to each his own…

For about ten days I’ve been wandering around trying to get in shape…

I have ₽15,000 left in my pocket, the food in the canteen is bad, there is not enough food for everyone, the potatoes in the watery soup are raw, the bread has run out…

I’m meeting fellow sufferers who, like me, came here after signing a contract, and are now left to their own devices…

It’s a problem to wash there, the showers are broken, there are shortages of water, which is why the toilets are often locked…

After 10 days, they give out a uniform, but only summer gerbil [?] and green, but there are no ankle boots of the required size, which is why, in order to finally start “serving” and not aimlessly shy away from civilian life, I go and buy some ankle boots for myself…

Being present at the morning parade, finally in uniform, thinking that now everything will be more interesting, I begin to be horrified by the fact that all of this is fucking understand what it looks like, two torn flags of the Russian Federation and the Airborne Forces are flying on the parade ground, the anthem is sadly playing from the speaker, and half of the military personnel do not sing it. From 2007 to 2010, I served a contract in the 46th Defense Forces in Chechnya, until I was 15 years old I lived in the 56th Airborne Battalion, I constantly went with my father to the training ground, but what I saw now looked like just a crowd of people in military uniform…

After the parade, at which my company commander finally showed up, he takes us new arrivals with him to sort out some garbage in a container under lock and key, these were some spare parts and rags that he didn’t have enough, and soon there should be a check and he had to count it all and he took about 10 of us with him, without even getting to know the new arrivals, there were five of us. As a result, for several hours at 10 we were moving some kind of garbage from one place to another, I remember that it was disgusting to even pick it up. I thought, oh well, it probably won’t be like that later. After all, back in 2007, during the emergency training, we had daily classes from morning until lunch, theory, tactics, physical training.

So many years and reforms have passed, things are probably better now. After a few days in which there was nothing to remember, the company commander, after the parade at 18:00, decided to make an indicative acquaintance. The fact is that on that day I expressed dissatisfaction with the indifference of the commander and one hint conveyed to him that the new contract soldiers were dissatisfied with the commander. The company commander introduced himself demonstrably in front of the formation and began to approach us one by one, we named our rank, surname, marital status and our city. When it was my turn and I said that I was from Kamyshin, he looked at me and asked, “Why the hell did you come here?”

I’m standing there and thinking that I don’t need to argue with my boss, so I’m trying to laugh it off.

I looked at him, we are the same age, 33 years old, but he looks much older than me, with sly eyes coupled with excess weight.

 

Nothing happens for another week, only once I have to go to the vehicle park where the UAZ Goats of our company are parked, to tear up the grass… I go and tear up, thinking that I won’t show off.

 

Finally, our young Deputy Company Political Officer, on his own initiative, gives us a lesson on tactics, despite the fact that the command tried to send everyone to another useless job, on the principle of just pretending to be busy.

The next day we go to shooting, we get up at five in the morning, we line up for three hours and wait for the Kamaz trucks, we finally eat, we arrive at 12:00, we line up, we stand, the command at the training ground doesn’t like how some piece of paper is filled out, the major tears up the sheet and throws at our young deputy political officer in front of the formation, with some hysterical screams yells that there will be no shooting because of this, the entire formation stands and looks contemptuously at the hysterical major with sympathy for the young senior leader, who is discouraged from any sensible initiative and desire to connect his life with the army. As a result, after another hour, the shooting begins, the time is 13:00, the heat is 50+, there is no water, we initially drove until lunch, now it turns out that we are here for the whole day, plus night shooting, at 1 in the morning we eat back, dehydrated and having eaten one dry ration for 3-4 men. Just don’t, I don’t need to go on and on about the fact that it hardens and makes us stronger. The health of more than one person has not been beneficially affected by the lack of normal sleep, food and water. All this only takes away the health, the health of the people whose charter says that they are obliged to take care of their health, on whose health the country’s defense depends. This is not hardening the body, this is nothing more than sabotage of one’s own army.

Contract workers most often simply ignore orders to do some cleaning, which is why conscripts are forced to mow the grass or uselessly carry something somewhere. Therefore, the conscripts look even more filthy, and considering that the uniform they are given is already worn and even tattered… it doesn’t look at all like the 56DShP model 1993-2003.

In mid-September, I find myself a room in a hotel for ₽12,000. the holiday season is over, you can rent something before the next season, prices triple in May-September.

Airborne training begins for admission to jumps, we train for three weeks, receive permission, and wait for the jumps.

They promise jumps throughout October, but they never happen.

Everyone is forced to get two-component Covid vaccinations, because… Covid is being diagnosed en masse in the battalion, I decide to do it so as not to get into trouble with the command.

I’m getting vaccinated, I had Covid asymptomatically, after vaccinations I’ve been lying around feverishly for three days, I decide not to do the second one for which I disagree.

By the way, a month later, Covid in all tests somewhere miraculously disappeared, despite the fact that many did not do these vaccinations, miracles.

In mid-October, they begin to issue demi-season and winter uniforms, but only worn ones and there are no sizes, I refuse to receive worn uniforms that are not the right size.

Because of this, relations with the command begin to worsen; they don’t like rebels here. After arguing with the company commander, I go and buy myself a pea coat. The company commander begins to take revenge by shoving them into the outfits within a day. Beginning of November, everyone is sent on forced leave, because… the president declared “no working days”, despite the fact that I am still on probation and I am not entitled to basic leave. I am going on vacation for 15 days, but I am not going anywhere because… Every few days they promise jumping, but I need to do the program. Salary ₽27,000. It’s almost impossible to arrange a sub-lease; no one has yet carried out physical examination for newly arrived contract soldiers; if I don’t have time to do four jumps, then I’ll be paid for the whole next year, just ₽27,000. In Crimea, not having housing means poverty, you have to pass physical examination and do jumping.

A week later they report that the jumps will definitely take place, I write a report about leaving vacation, several days pass in vain, packing parachutes, it turns out that half of them don’t know how to pack parachutes, we pack from morning until 21:00.

At 2:00 departure for jumps.

We arrive at the jumping area at 4:00, it was below zero at night, we were driving in open Kamaz trucks, everyone arrived numb from the cold, we jump on the spot until 9:00 to somehow warm up, the helicopters flew in, finally jumping starts, at 11:00 we jumped, my group jumped out by mistake in the cemetery. Well, the weather was fine, everyone came out, no one landed on a cross or on someone’s grave.

We are going back, I broke the catch on my pea jacket while jumping, which is why I quarrel with the company commander, who demands that I fasten the pea jacket that has a broken catch, after refusing to receive a worn-out uniform, we have a special relationship.

The next day, on Saturday, I wake up, I have a fever, I understand that I have a cold, I’m going to buy a statutory demi-season and winter uniform, but in principle I won’t wear a worn one and the wrong size, like a scarecrow.

Sunday hot.

On Monday, I go to work, I argue with the company commander, he doesn’t want to let me go to the hospital.

I go to the hospital, X-ray shows double pneumonia.

”Treated” in the hospital.

Upon leaving the hospital, I found out that while I was lying there, I finally had a physical examination, at which I was given a two, because… The company commander did not put me on the sick list and hid the fact that I was in the hospital. Because of this bad mark, I won’t see any additional payment for physical fitness for the next year. I go to the command of the unit, it’s impossible to get the truth, I understand that I’m fed up with this whole mess, I write the following complaint to the Ministry of Defense:

I am a contract serviceman Jr.S-T. Filatiev Pavel Olegovich, born 08/09/1988

I am forced to make a complaint due to the fact that my immediate superior of military unit 81505 does not respect my rights as a serviceman and a combat veteran, and also allows the following violations:

I again signed a contract for three years from 08/19/2021.

The last straw for me to contact the Ministry of Defense was the fact that after making my first parachute jump on November 12, 2021, I fell ill with pneumonia because… at two o’clock in the morning we left for jumping in Dzhankoy, it was minus 6 degrees outside, we were driving in open Kamaz trucks, arriving at 5:00, we unloaded, waited until 8:00 for the start of the jumps and all this time there was no way to warm up except jump on the spot, many servicemen were without warm clothes, some did not receive them, others refused to receive a worn uniform (like me), or a uniform that did not fit. After the jumps, the next day I began to feel unwell, because… I was cold for a very long time, I hoped to rest up over the weekend, but on Monday morning, waking up at five in the morning to exercise, I felt a fever, with difficulty getting myself into a state with the help of pills, I came to the parade unit at 8:00 in the morning, with shortness of breath. After the parade, I told the platoon commander and the company commander that I felt bad, had a fever, and that I needed to go to the medical unit. In response to which the company commander said that I needed to go and sign up in the sick record book and go to the medical unit the next day, he did not let me go and ordered me to unload the parachutes along with everyone else, at about 10:00, when the parachutes were unloaded, He still said that now I can go to the san[atorium?] part. Arriving at the medical unit, they measured my temperature, which turned out to be 37.5 (considering that before that I had taken three paracetamol tablets) and sent me to the hospital for X-ray, in the picture I was diagnosed with double pneumonia, they did a test for coronavirus and said that I needed hospitalization, I tried to get outpatient treatment, but the doctors said that if I was diagnosed with Covid-pneumonia, I could be held accountable and that at most I could go home to get my personal belongings. I informed the platoon commander about this by phone, to which he told me to come to my unit, write a report and submit a certificate. The hospital doctors, in response to my requests for a certificate, said that my hospitalization was urgent and my hospitalization was reported in a different order and I could not go to the unit. Obeying the order of the commander, I still went back to the unit, although I considered this order to be unlawful when I arrived at the medical unit, and having explained the situation, the paramedic on duty told me that a report and certificate was not needed from me and that I needed to go to the hospital for assistance. Being already exhausted from walking and choking in this state, I took a taxi to the military prosecutor’s office, where I was strongly recommended to go to the hospital, and solve all other issues later. Arriving at the hospital again in the evening, the doctors scolded me verbally for not following their requirements and took me by ambulance with shortness of breath to the infectious diseases department. Within a week, about thirty servicemen from my unit were admitted to the infectious diseases department (everyone was present at the jumps) with diagnoses of acute respiratory viral infection, bronchitis, and tonsillitis. After spending a week in the infectious diseases department under antibiotics, having made three negative tests for coronavirus, I began to ask to be sent for outpatient treatment because… Staying in the infectious diseases department did not mean the possibility of going outside, there was no place to wash properly, you couldn’t use phones, you couldn’t receive parcels, i.e. complete isolation, and the quality of hospital food leaves much to be desired. All this time in the department, an unknown man in civilian clothes demanded that the military personnel form parades at different times, I refused to parade citing the temperature and the unclear status of this man for me, as it turned out later he was a major in the medical service, on Sunday, November 21 at about 8:00 again he announced the parade that the nurses announced to me, I again refused to build, citing the temperature on Sunday at 8:00 and the uncertainty of the meaning and legality of these requirements, in the end he demanded from the nurses. the sisters explained that I refuse daily parades at 14:00, although it was 8:00.

In response to my requests to send me for outpatient treatment, I received a refusal and a recommendation to spend another week in the infectious diseases department. At that moment, the physical examination was taking place in the military unit; before that, I applied for the physical examination to the highest level because… at 33 years old I was in good physical shape. Now I assess my condition as unsatisfactory. And due to the fact that I was denied the opportunity to return my medical documents and an extract from hospitalization with pneumonia, I am forced to serve without the possibility of recovery.

Having become completely upset, I committed an offense and smoked in the hospital toilet, for which my attending physician came and began to say that for smoking I would be discharged for violating the regime, I began to ask to be discharged, but they refused me again, having collected my things, I came to the major in civilian clothes, and began to ask to be discharged, to which he told me, “Then I will discharge you for violating the regime.”

I insisted that he put it in writing, then he said with some contempt - “There is a fit junior sergeant here who is not satisfied with my treatment.”

In response to which I replied, “And you, a fit major, allow yourself to mock a junior military rank.”

In response, he ordered the nurse to call the military police, he himself picked up the phone and said that I was violent and should be put on the lip, I was expecting the military police, because this call was false and defamatory, I wanted to wait for them to defend my honor, dignity and give an explanation of the situation. As a result, an hour later the company commander called me and said that the department commander would come for me now and I needed to go with him to the unit, I again obeyed and left with him, the major of the medical service, the head of the department refused to provide me with documents and treatment prescriptions. Having arrived at the unit, the company commander sent me and the platoon commander to the beginning. honey who said in a rude manner that I should continue to serve, that from that day I was in service, because… I behaved incorrectly and I would be discharged for violating hospital regulations, realizing that I was not able to begin my duties due to health reasons, I went to the unit commander with a request to be relieved of my duties in order to complete the course of antibiotics, in response to which he released me to complete my outpatient treatment, a few days later, having completed the course of antibiotics prescribed by the attending physician, I went to work without asking for an exemption, although I felt unwell and found out that I was absent during the FISO [physical?] exam illegally and that I was given a grade of two, for which I would lose my monthly bonus -24 %, and an annual bonus of 10/10, and I also lose the opportunity to receive an increase to my salary. +70% At the moment my salary is ₽27,000 of which I pay 12[,000] for rent. At the time of the physical examination, I was in the hospital with pneumonia due to the fact that it was documented everywhere except for the unit’s combat service, no investigation was carried out. Having learned this and turned to the command for justification of the legality of this fact in the person of the company commander, the deputy commander of the unit, the deputy commander of the unit for political work, the head of the medical service and the commander of the unit, all the listed persons began to convince me in raised voices that it was my fault, now I myself have to prove that I was really in the hospital these days. Why am I? I conclude that the command is trying to hide my illness received during my service. In addition, with all the above mentioned persons, the deputy political officer battalion began to say that I could be fired as a person who had not passed the probationary period (the probationary period ended two weeks ago), to declare me NSS for smoking in the toilet, and also began to express suspicion that I bought the rank of ml.s-t. and he will check it! Which insults me as a serviceman and discredits my honor and dignity. In addition, the company commander “lost my report for veteran’s leave,” citing the fact that I did not hand it over to him personally, violating the Federal Law on Veterans.

From my first arrival at the unit, violations appeared against me, namely, I had to look for a place to live on my own, because… the dormitory was occupied at that time, and the company commander did not allow contract servicemen to live in the barracks; as a result, I had to run like a homeless person from one barracks to another, looking for a bed to sleep in, until I found a place to rent at my own expense.(3 weeks).

Lack of uniform.

Until now, 12/01/2021, I am not provided with a full set of the uniform required for me, at the clothing warehouse they issue a uniform that is either the wrong size or worn, I refused to receive such a uniform, guided by the fact that “a military serviceman is obliged to take care of his appearance,” which is why began to attract negative attention from the command in the person of the company commander, trying to solve the issue on my own, I began to buy the necessary uniform in stores, today I purchased a VKPO uniform - a demi-season uniform, insulated jacket, insulated pants, winter hat, belt, chevrons. Providing myself with a uniform was also half my responsibility, because… I refused to receive the uniform in poor condition and not the right size for me.

Food insecurity.

The food in the canteen is extremely poorly organized, raw potatoes in water soup are common, there weren’t enough cutlets, salad, there was no butter, bread or salty tea!!!

As a result, contract soldiers almost never eat in the canteen, and conscripts simply have no choice.

The overtime book is not kept, and the work time regulations are not observed.

For three and a half months of my service, I still have no record on my military ID that I serve in this military unit! I do not have a weapon assigned to me! But at the same time, I repeatedly wore outfits [uniform?]. After two months of service, the company commander still collected military tickets [dog-tags?] from the newly arrived contract soldiers, but when I went into the office a few days later, I saw military tickets scattered on the table and decided to pick up mine, worried about its safety, no one remembered me anymore, and I had to go again. It seems useless to remind the company commander about this; he already has trial after trial.

For three and a half months, in fact, there were no classes of any kind, except for pre-jump additional training. There is an atmosphere of apathy among contract workers and 90% of them in smoking rooms are discussing how the contract could end faster. Conscripts do not understand why contract soldiers serve at all. I also heard from a number of officers that they do not want to serve here.

More than once, when I acted as an assistant to the duty officer in a unit, I had to accept the flags of the Russian Federation and the Airborne Forces in such a form as if they had gone through the war (they were replaced only two weeks ago), and the staff at the headquarters sat and patched them because… there was already a hole in the hole, the raising of flags in the morning during the Russian anthem (half of the military personnel do not sing it).

The duty unit and the anti-terror unit interact only on paper and without being present at the parade.

I understand that I need to go to a military court. The fact that I am observing the course of three and a half months plunges me into horror, being in such an important strategic direction, in fact I see complete anarchy, there is only a faint hint of combat readiness here, among the local population a lot of ridicule is heard about the Feodosian Airborne Forces, I am a contract soldier of the 46th defense, in the period from 2007-2010, a combat veteran, served in the Caucasus, seeing what is happening now, and being a contract soldier, I don’t know where to look for support other than the Ministry of Defense and the media. I turn to the Ministry of Defense in order to defend the honor and dignity of the serviceman Russian Airborne Forces, citizen of the Russian Federation, veteran of military operations of the Russian Federation.

I ask for an independent verification of the testimony I have given, during the verification I ask that you provide me with protection, I am ready to bear responsibility for giving false testimony, even to the point of criminal liability.
 

When I wrote this appeal, I hoped that not everything was lost in our army. Although most of my colleagues said that all this was useless and would bring me nothing but problems. After the response from the Ministry of Defense to my complaint, where they wished me good landing health and recommended to monitor your own discipline, the desire to serve in this kingdom of the madhouse completely disappeared.

Also, my hopes were related to the fact that from December 1, 2021 we will have my “native” 56 and there will definitely be more order.

But alas, nothing much has changed, except for some clumsy attempts to tighten the screws. The legendary 56th is sunk in the ages, the people who formed it, almost all quit long ago.

On December 1, we officially became military unit 74507 56 Airborne Regiment [DShP] of two battalions, somehow staffed, the deputy commander of the Airborne Forces arrived to form the regiment with a huge retinue from the Airborne Forces headquarters, because of which we were assembled from 8:00 to 15:00, we stupidly, as usual, they fucked up the whole day, instead of learning something, in fact, no one checked anything with us, the general didn’t even bother to come up, we stood stupidly, in the park they checked UAZ, Kamaz, BMD2, Nona equipment. All this is a hundred years at lunchtime, many things were not working properly, but according to their reports everything was probably fine and this was two months before the special operation. I, standing in the ranks, thought that now he would go around us all and ask questions, complaints, suggestions and then I would definitely tell him about the problems directly, but no, the general did not approach any of the contract soldiers, he even indifferently walked past the conscripts who stood in tattered, worn uniforms that did not fit their size.

When I was growing up at 56, conscripts didn’t look like this, and this was after 20 years of reforms.

On Saturday, December 4th, we had the installation of parachutes, many were without a jump program, I still hoped that I would complete it and my salary would increase a little. From morning until lunch, we only packed one canopy at a time, which is just ridiculous…

The officers did not help, except for the cavalry officers, the company commander to whom I presented this in front of everyone, answered with mockery and laughter - “You are professionals, you should be able to do everything!”

By lunchtime, when my friend and I were packing the spare tire, he came up to me and tensely said, “Jr. S-T. Filatiev, uniform number 5, the regiment commander is calling you and me,” from this address, it became clear that “it has arrived” from the top about my complaint to the Ministry of Defense, while we were walking with him, he tried to scold me about the fact that why am I complaining and the fact that you are not supposed to wear a chain with a cross on your neck, nothing else came to his mind. I replied that I warned everyone that I would not let it all go to them so easily. After the conflict with the hospital, I no longer cared about him, if I wanted to follow the truth, then to the end. In fact, I don’t want to offend him, but he is a reflection of the problems of our army, a commander who doesn’t care about his personnel, an overweight man, short of breath, accused of theft, but they couldn’t prove it in court, his career at 56 in Kamyshin didn’t work out and he left for Feodosia, but by the will of fate 56 was transferred to Feodosia a couple of years later, which is why he did not hesitate to constantly lament about it to the personnel.

Having come to the regiment commander’s office, he began to try to accuse me of complaining and this is bad, when I told him the essence of the complaint and that they were addressed to the previous leadership, he attacked the company commander, I won’t describe it…

Then he let me go…

After leaving the unit, they started calling me, the deputy division commander for work with personnel, called and angrily demanded explanations about my complaints to the Ministry of Defense, they tried in every possible way to make me understand that I was now in disgrace.

 

Before this complaint to the Ministry of Defense, I had no reprimands, but after it I got three. Some officers, talking to me one-on-one, fully supported me, saying that all this is of course true, but there is no use in complaining. I also received information that my command had prepared documents for a criminal case for allegedly slandering them, but as I know from rumors, the Division Commander did not allow this to happen…

As I already said, the desire to serve disappeared completely. Looking at all this, I realized that our combat effectiveness, to put it mildly, is not very good, we are doing nonsense, useless work, outfits, or pretending that we have classes (we rarely even did the kind of classes). After January 15, I definitely decided that I was resigning, I began to undergo military and military training, went to the hospital, and the attitude of the command towards me, of course, was no longer very good, but I stopped caring and frankly began to forget about many things. In the army, your ability to not stand out is valued, completely agree, do not defend your rights, do not show dissatisfaction, and if you are not satisfied that your rights are not respected, then the command is taking all measures to ruin your life. The most surprising thing is that most of my colleagues told me that they did the right thing by writing to the Ministry of Defense, the majority they crave order and really want change, to engage in military training, and not to create a type of hectic activity, but seeing examples like me, that attempts to achieve something only lead to problems with the command, they themselves do not want to achieve order at such a price.

Quitting the army is even more difficult than getting into it…

Despite the fact that almost the whole country already knows that in the Russian army there is a madhouse and everything is for show, there are still people who, like me, come there, thinking that maybe everything is not so bad or that something has improved there. Unfortunately, there are those in the army who are happy with everything, those who have spent their entire lives on a career, have reached the rank of major or higher, and now that there is not much left before retirement, they do not want to lose it all (the rotten system rests on them), who blindly they believe that everything is as it should be, those who believed that we, with such a mess in the Ministry of Defense, would capture Ukraine in three days…

Who and how will be responsible for this state of affairs in the army!? And this is in the Airborne Forces, the elite, the reserve of the Supreme Commander-in-Chief! It’s scary to imagine how things are now in other units. In mid-February, my company, like many other units, was at the training ground in Old Crimea. Watching the news, I understood that something was definitely brewing; everyone who had quit or was sick was being driven to the training ground. On the one hand, I didn’t want to have anything else to do with with such an army, where you are nobody, and your rights prescribed by law are written only on paper, where your salary is less than that of a loader in Magnit, I also understood that the army is not combat-ready, which is what I wrote to the Ministry of Defense, which, in a response letter, wished me good landing health and advised me to monitor my discipline. That’s all, you write about what a mess is happening in the army, and in response the Ministry of Defense writes that it wishes you good landing health and recommends taking care of yourself!

So what is the purpose of the Ministry of Defense?! Destroy yourself?! As I later learned, the unit’s command quickly concocted a trial where they exposed me as a regular violator of discipline and as the worst soldier in the unit. Even in the personal file, having not found photos of me in uniform, they simply made up a photo in Photoshop, inserting my eyes, nose and mouth from a photo on the Internet into another person in uniform, not me in that photo!

 

On the other hand, I thought that now that something was brewing, it would be shameful to refuse, tantamount to being a coward.

There were different rumors and information, from the fact that Ukraine and NATO would attack Crimea and we simply must gather at the borders to prevent this, and ending with the fact that Ukraine would attack the DPR and LPR, although I am not a supporter of all this, but refuse to go to the training ground, fearing a possible conflict, I was ashamed, I don’t know what was driving me, patriotism or the desire to not give in. Moreover, it’s a long wait to get fired, and right now no one would fire me. Then I didn’t believe that Ukraine or NATO would really attack, but if this did happen, it would look like I was chickening out. It seemed to me that most likely we would all be transferred to the DPR and LPR, we would stand on their territory, announce a referendum under Russian flags, annexing the wretched Donbass in this way, I thought that battles are possible, but only in the form of the fact that we will conduct them on the defensive, standing on the border of Ukraine and Donbass, or on the border of Crimea. It seemed logical to me that they would carry out the operation under the guise of peacekeepers…

I arrived at the training ground around February 15th, coming to the battalion political officer who was responsible for sending everyone there and declaring that I needed to go to the training ground, that something was brewing, he rolled [his eye]balls at me like I was crazy and asked several times why I took it, but in the end they sent me there, forgetting that I had category “G” at that time, which means temporarily unfit for service. Arriving at the training ground, I continued to be amazed by how everything worked. Our company lived all in one tent, about 40 people, (the conscripts all remained in the garrison) in the tent there were bunks, a potbelly stove, by the way, even in Chechnya, where we then lived only in tents or dugouts, life was better organized. The food in the canteen was even worse than in the garrison, although at training grounds even back in 2007, food was always better in the field kitchen. There was nowhere to wash there. Even in our company, there was so much kit. You are given a Ratnik, a duffel bag, a sleeping bag only when the company commander decides, for example, for a review or a training ground. I have long heard that there are not enough of them in the company, which is why he had trials. Well, and accordingly, those who arrived later than the rest, like me, there were about 5 of them, they had neither a sleeping bag, nor a camouflage suit, armor, a helmet, etc. It turned out that we exchanged them one by one. Arriving at the tent, where my colleagues already looked rather wild from such a wonderful life, and realizing that I had no sleeping bag or place to sleep (they had been there for two weeks), I lay down in the place of the company commander. As I learned, the company’s staff began to directly express their dissatisfaction with their living conditions, food, and the fact that the company did not have a bathhouse, which is why he almost never spent the night in a tent. Then, from many units driven to Crimea for “exercises,” I heard that the conditions were even worse, for example, some had nothing to heat their stoves in February, there was nowhere to wash, which is why people went to the sea in the winter, and as a result, the hospitals were already in. In February they were filled with sick people and even an order was issued banning them from going to the hospital. As soon as in the evening I saw my commander, and he was definitely not happy about my presence in addition to other dissatisfied ones, I asked him the question where is my sleeping bag and Ratnik kit, to which he replied that he was not there and, in general, where to sleep and where to get ammunition? my problem. In general, from the very beginning, I noticed such an atmosphere in the company that the commander is trying in every possible way to show the young platoon commanders and foreman not in the best light, they, in turn, are trying to present something to the personnel, the personnel begins to present that they do not have something or some other problems, in the end all problems hang in the air because… the problems of the personnel are only their problems, which is why everything comes down to the fact that everyone is for himself. The next few days, we went to the shooting range, stupidly landing ammunition, there I finally took my machine gun for the first time, which was frantically assigned to me by the company commander only on December 1, right on the parade ground, during an inspection by the general, four months before that I had no weapon attached at all! By the way, even during my service in 2007-2010, this was not at all possible to imagine.

So, it turned out that my machine gun had a broken belt and was simply rusty; at the very first night shooting, it jammed after several shots, after which I spent a long time cleaning it in oil, trying to get it in order. Every night we patrolled the tent city, one night my friend and I went on patrol at about 1:00 a.m., the unit duty officer gave us a radio and told us to stop everyone and report to him about those who had arrived, we went on patrol on the road indicated to us on entering the camp. About half an hour later, in the distance we saw that a vehicle was driving towards us on the road, we stood across the road with the intention of stopping it and reporting to the unit on duty, as he ordered, the vehicle was approaching closer and closer, blinding us with its headlights, we stood with our arms apart, it became obvious that the vehicle would not stop and at the last moment we left the road, there was a radio set in my hand, moving away and perplexed by the impudence of the unknown driver, I struck the antenna on the body and then I saw that it was a military UAZ Patriot, it stopped after 20 meters and from there I heard a heart-rending scream with obscenities that we were crazy, what kind of idiots and what a freak ordered to stop the vehicles, then they gave me a remark that my hat was not authorized and the regiment commander moved on… the desire to carry out the orders of the command disappeared immediately.

Somewhere on February 20, an order came for everyone to urgently gather and move lightly, there was a forced march to an unknown destination, then the majority hoped that this forced march meant the end of the exercises, some joked that now we would attack Ukraine and capture Kiev in 3 days! Even then there was no time for laughter and I said that if something like this happens, we won’t capture anything in three days and put forward my guesses that we would be sent to Donbass…

We gathered all day, most of the units left their mobile phones there, all the weapons were loaded with them, around 17:00, our regiment assembled, consisting of my assault battalion on an UAZ, an 82mm mortar battery, a parachute battalion on a BMD2, a shortened reconnaissance company, an artillery division with 120mm mortars and D30 howitzers and individual platoons. According to my impressions, there were 500-600 people there.

Once again, everyone got food and water as they wanted, our command doesn’t care about this.

The company had a lot of weapons, NSV Utyos, AGS, RPG-7, Fagot ATGM, [PKP] Pecheneg machine guns and AK74m “body kit” with grenade launchers. The only problem was that no one knew how to shoot from anti-tank guns. Or for example, I had an AK74m “Kit” with a grenade launcher attached, and a friend with bad legs, who was not sent to the hospital because of the ban, had a PKP, so in addition, we also suddenly got an NSV Utyos, and the grenade thrower, in addition to the RPG7, had an AGS, well, it must be so.

At about 20:00, when it got dark, the column began to move onto the highway, besides us, other columns were moving forward from different directions, traffic police and VAI vehicles with flashing lights appeared on the highway, huge columns began to crawl, all the way we wondered where we were going, the drivers were driving following those in front without knowing the end point.

As a result, we arrived in the fields, somewhere near Krasny Perekop, at about 3:00 am.

In many UAZ vehicles the stoves did not even work.

In the morning we received rations.

Even then, everyone was dirty and exhausted, some lived at the training ground for almost a month without any conditions, everyone’s nerves were on edge from this, especially since the atmosphere became more and more serious and incomprehensible.

The majority no longer had contact and everyone was feeding on rumors that the atmosphere was heating up. I assume that at the level of regimental commanders, they already knew what would happen. Two days later, we again, at night, moved in a column to a new place, closer to the border, somewhere near Armyansk.

We slept in vehicles, heavily patrolling at night. On the night of February 22-23, information came from the command that [Ukrainian] sabotage groups had crossed the border to us for the purpose of sabotage, the night was already tense for everyone, but the whole joke was that we were never given ammunition, and some, like me, were without a Ratnik… One of my comrades, taking this very seriously, suggested that everyone wrap their hands to indicate friend or foe and laughingly suggested a password for the night - “Kherson is ours” (the phrase turned out to be prophetic). In the darkness, each company stood at a distance from each other, there was rain and fog that night.

No one really understood what was happening, everyone was guessing.

On February 23, the division commander arrived and congratulated us on the holiday [Defender of the Fatherland Day] at the formation, announcing that starting tomorrow, the salary per day would be $69, the exchange rate then was more than ₽100 and, according to our estimates, it was more than ₽200,000 per month, plus the usual salary, it was a clear sign that something serious is about to happen. After the formation, a fuss began with the issuance of ammunition, grenades and promidol, rumors spread that we would go to storm Kherson, it seemed nonsense to me.

No one knew what would happen tomorrow; someone said that we would defend the border of Crimea. Someone that we’ll go to Kyiv and take it in three days, I immediately got into an argument with them about how we wouldn’t take anything in three days and that it would just be an ass, it seemed to me that no one would even give such an order to me either I didn’t like such a frivolous attitude towards this from my colleagues. I got the impression that either they would attack us, and all the fuss was to show our readiness, or somehow we would be loaded onto turntables and transferred to the LDPR, or we would be left at the border intensified, and troops from the east would enter the LDPR for a referendum. It was already clear that something was brewing, but there had been no communication and Internet access for a long time. That day I had a fight with both the platoon commander and the company commander, the situation was escalating, and I didn’t even have a bulletproof vest.

I went to look for the battalion commander (may he rest in heaven). The lieutenant colonel had a combination of commander qualities in that he could bark like a dad and delve into a problem like a mother.

Having found him near the mortar battery, he shook hands in a fatherly way, said that I was great for going after all, listened to my problem that there was no Ratnik and said that he had already ordered that they be brought from the regiment in the evening to those who did not have them. He had known for a long time about my conflicts with the company commander and offered to assign me to the mortar battery for the time being, for some reason there was always, always, not enough people, I crossed paths with the commander of the mortar battery several times in the gym and he seemed to me not a bad officer, I agreed, tired from conflicts, accepting that I can’t change anything and wanting this to all end quickly, so that I can quit as quickly as possible. Having received a bulletproof vest, a helmet and a backpack in the evening, when it began to get dark, I went to the Kamaz mortar truck and approached its commander, who was already aware that I was seconded. I explained that I don’t understand mortars at all, but I will do whatever he says, the commander told me to be with the control platoon, pointed to their Kamaz, I climbed there, there were about five people there, the faces were familiar, after all, they served in the same battalion. Immediately it got dark and the column began to line up again.

In general, that day everything began to change, I noticed how people began to change, some were nervous and tried not to communicate with anyone, some were openly afraid, some, on the contrary, were unusually light and cheerful. I had a strange feeling of humility at the same time with a slight sense of enthusiasm, this is adrenaline. The column began to move, reforming, an 82mm mortar [battery] of five guns, consisting of three Kamaz and three Urals. Kamaz controls, five others have mortars, mines for them and about five people crewing the guns.

As we walked, the guys began to explain to me that the function of the control platoon is reconnaissance and adjustment of guns, and that if something happens, then we should still be three kilometers behind to support the assault companies, then I thought that something was going wrong, my company will be in front, and I will hide behind it, because of my conflicts, but I immediately began to drive away this thought, what will happen? Nothing will happen, what kind of war, in the 21st century, at most we will stand somewhere and pretend to be menacing, but then thoughts appeared that everything was turning out somehow strange, where were we going, lately everyone had been sleeping for five hours, literally living on street, I fell asleep with the others in the back of a Kamaz…

00:00 February 24

In terms of distance, we probably drove a little, through some fields, it was raining and muddy at night, I woke up probably at about two in the morning, the column was lined up somewhere in the wilderness along the railway in several rows, everyone turned off the engines, the headlights were off, the order was given for everyone to reel in white bandages, friend or foe [identification], left hand - right leg, from somewhere they began to pass each other the suddenly appeared masking tape.

While leaving the training ground on February 19, vehicles were marked with horizontal white stripes.

In the evening of February 23, at the exit, the drivers were ordered to finish drawing a stripe, it turned out to be a tick, now standing somewhere near the railway in complete darkness and wrapping their left arm and right leg, the drivers were ordered to finish drawing another stripe on the vehicles, it turned out to be Z.

While they stood shaking their arms and legs, talking and smoking near the densely parked vehicles, the guys from the next vehicle with a gun began to talk me into joining them, there were three people on their gun instead of five, their platoon leader, a young lieutenant, came up in the dark and said that there were no hands there. That’s enough, let’s come to us, I took my RP and helmet, went to the neighboring Urals, thinking that maybe I’ll be in business there, I don’t know anything about mortars. Throwing a backpack and helmet into the back, I began to climb over the closed side in complete darkness. Climbing over the side, I got caught in the magazines on my bulletproof vest, my pants prevented me from lifting my leg higher, as if hanging, leaning my elbows with the armor on the side of the Urals, I fall into the back head first and a cry of pain immediately bursts out of my eye in the darkness as if a light flashed…

I can’t understand anything, already being in the back I hold my eye with my hand, I feel something wet and severe pain…

It’s dark all around, someone in the back is trying to light a lighter and shine it in my face, I remove my hand and try to understand whether I see with two eyes or one. The one who shines the light in my face exclaims “Ooh, fuck!”

I immediately ask him, is my eye still in place? He shines the light and says, “Take your hands away, I don’t understand!”, I see that there is blood on my hand and I feel that something hot is flowing down my face. It turned out that the eye is intact, but it has torn the upper and lower eyelid of the right eye. Looking around under the weak light in the back, I understand that it has hit I look at the handle of an army thermal barrel for grub, out of anger I kick the barrel, looking around I see a young guy with a mortar gunner, everything is littered with boxes of mines, a mortar, a tripod, a compass. I’ll have to ride in the back on boxes with mines, it’s awesome, I think why the hell do I need all this at 33 years old, I didn’t have enough adventures in the Caucasus, it would be better if I sat silently in my company, at least I didn’t knock out an eye, we smoked while getting to know each other and fell asleep again…

At about 4:00 in the morning I open my eyes again, I hear a roar, a hum, vibration of the ground, I feel the sharp smell of gunpowder in the air, I look out of the back, throwing back the awning, I see that the sky has become light from the volleys, illuminating in the darkness either clouds or smoke, on the right and to the left of our column, rocket artillery was firing, powerful volleys from long-range guns were heard somewhere, as it seemed behind us, the air was filled with anxiety and vibrations, sleep immediately disappeared, it was not clear what was happening, who was shooting from where and at whom, so. The fatigue from lack of food, water and sleep disappeared. A minute later, having lit a cigarette to wake up, I realized that the fire was being directed to the side in front of the face of our column, 10-20 kilometers ahead, everyone around them began to wake up and light a cigarette, there was a quiet murmur - “it has begun.” We probably have some kind of plan…

Having smoked a cigarette and digesting what I was seeing, I felt a rush of adrenaline with a charge of vivacity, unusual clarity and clarity of thought and an alarming realization that there would be no Crimean scenario, a clear premonition of “fucked up” appeared. I couldn’t fully understand what was happening, are we firing at the advancing Ukrainians? Maybe for NATO? Or are we attacking?

Who is this hellish shelling being aimed at? Where did the rocket artillery come from? The referendum in the LDPR? The capture of Kherson? We were attacked by Ukraine? Is NATO helping it?

Anyway, we have some kind of plan.

The army is structured in such a way that there is no one to ask questions, and it seems that orders to the command come on the fly, step by step, no one will explain anything to me, I can only throw down my weapon and run back somewhere and become a coward, or follow everyone, the higher the position, the more you know, my level is that of a contract paratrooper, this is the level of a stallion who is being led to castration.

Once upon a time, as I already said, I was a horse trainer, and it seemed like I was pretty good at it, but then I probably went crazy and decided to join the army again.

Once a friend and I bought a dozen wild, young stallions intended for meat, we decided that because… They will die at a meat processing plant, then it’s better if we buy them at the price of meat, castrate them, train them a little and sell them. It turns out that the stallions will continue to live, and we can make money from it. Despite the fact that we both didn’t like it and we sincerely sympathized with the stallions, we still did this dirty thing, like choosing the lesser of two evils, so we justified ourselves. So, in order to castrate wild stallions, they had to at least have a little training, letting them put on a headband and walk in the hands of a person, the stallions were already hefty two-year-olds and you couldn’t just take them by force, you had to resort to all sorts of tricks at great risk to your health. When the stallion was already following you and letting you put on the headband, we took him into the pen and, instead of the usual treat at the end, we tied him up, felled him and cut off his balls…

The stallion had no idea that he was about to undergo this procedure, he got used to being told to go there, he gets used to the fact that it’s better to go, no one will pester you, it’s better to agree, and then they’ll give you sugar. So the same is true for the army for a contract soldier, go there, go there, well done, good, go there now and one day it will lead you to hell, you have been trained. You don’t have to know anything, just do it. Now I understand that I was used, just as I once used horses, somewhere by cunning (media and patriotism), somewhere by force (law and punishment), sugar (salary), somewhere by praise (awards and titles). Somewhere at the top there is a certain guy who is smarter, stronger and knows more. He uses the same tools that I used with horses to “train what I need.” The only question is what goals he pursues, chooses the lesser of two evils, earns money as a hired veterinarian performing a procedure or so that the horses are more obedient, or maybe he’s just a sadist? Only this guy knows the answer.

The column perked up noticeably and began to slowly move forward, I saw how my company rode past me forward and experienced a strange feeling that despite the fact that yesterday I left it without thinking, now in a moment of danger and uncertainty I would prefer to be with them, like a horse that would prefer to stick to his herd, are we so different…

Perhaps all this will seem nonsense to some, but I want to retell everything frankly and without concealing the emotions and thoughts that I experienced then.

 

We drove through Armyansk, there was turmoil in the city, shells were flying over it towards Ukraine and a huge convoy was now moving through it, VAI and traffic police were blocking the roads so that random civilians would not interfere with it, through the shade thrown back in the Urals, I saw houses in which the lights were already on, and people were looking out the windows and balconies of five-story buildings, suddenly we stopped abruptly after crashing into something, as it turned out in the Urals where I was driving there were no brakes and when the vehicle stopped abruptly in front of the driver, he decided to go to the right, crashing into a fence, the war will write off everything. Who will pay attention to the fence when the missiles fly. Nearby, sometimes overtaking, sometimes lagging behind, the UAZs of the assault battalion and the parachute infantry fighting vehicles were moving, when the UAZs of my company were already ahead and closer to the border, having passed Armyansk, there was a forest on the left, and fields on the right, I heard shooting and explosions in the direction where we were going. At that moment I regretted that I agreed to be assigned to the mortar, where I don’t have any kind of emotional connection with people and we don’t know each other well, and this unit is assigned, as it seemed to me, a secondary role, from the damn [truck] body, you can only see what’s behind, and what if my company is now in the “ass”, what’s going on there? Where are we going? I want to go forward, adrenaline and slight jitters are playing in me, but at the same time I don’t understand anything. Combat aircraft began to fly forward above us, followed by attack helicopters, ahead explosions are heard, the air smells of gunpowder. This picture was at the same time bewitchingly frightening and alarmingly beautiful. It was already dawn, perhaps six o’clock, the sun was shining brightly like spring and was beginning to warm up after the night’s vile sputum and rain, I simultaneously saw a dozen helicopters, a dozen airplanes, military combat vehicles were flying across the field to the right and from where… Then tanks appeared, hundreds of pieces of equipment with the flags of the Airborne Forces and the Russian Federation, and this is only what I could take in with my eyes, with a broken eye and clotted with blood, from the back of a fucking Ural without brakes.

What is happening, this thought was spinning in my head simultaneously with admiration, bewilderment and anxiety. The feelings of a pack, of this enormous power of which you are a part, are intoxicating, but where are we rushing under these volleys and what is happening is not clear.

My Ural slowly crossed the broken border post of the Crimea-Ukraine customs, the column began to slow down, then stop, then pick up speed again, I saw mangled, smoking or shot vehicles, driving through the border I saw how a platoon from the assault battalion dispersed, their UAZs stood at the edges of the road, they they were holding a border post while we were passing it, I noticed blood, I didn’t see any corpses, perhaps they had already removed it, on the right in the field, tracked vehicles were crossing the border across the field, I noticed how one huge flow of equipment began to divide into smaller ones, going further and further into the field on the right, having passed the post, signs appeared, inscriptions in Ukrainian, flags of Ukraine, I had a new feeling, a feeling that I didn’t understand shit, a feeling that all this around was more real than real, but at the same time, like in a dream. No video will convey all this, especially where the most interesting things are, there are no reporters, and eyewitnesses have no time to film videos. Right behind the post, a gas station that was shot up is burning, here the APCs of our scouts were in front, here someone has passed on to the next world, every now and then there are abandoned or destroyed vehicles on the road. The column constantly stops, then accelerates again, the UAZs of my company are overtaking us, sometimes they lag behind, the vehicles move sometimes in two or three rows, windmills appear on the right, a beautiful view of the fields, the weather looks like it’s the beginning of April, the artillery salvos have died down, I’m starting to see the places of arrival of shells and pieces of MLRS rockets, it feels like they were shooting at nowhere, but maybe there was an enemy there and he moved away.

Our convoy left the highway to the right, for the driver to the left, always when the convoy stops, I stand in the back and look forward, as soon as the convoy unpredictably starts moving again, I have to abruptly return to the back and sit on a box with mines that jump in the back and do not add confidence in the future, the road is getting worse and worse, boxes with mines are bouncing around the body more and more, I like being a mortar man less and less. The width of the column either decreases or increases again, the roads change from dirt to asphalt again. The leadership ahead of the column periodically stops, apparently waiting for the next coordinates; now we are moving further and further to the west. Attack helicopters and planes are periodically visible, either returning or retreating again into the depths of Ukraine.

Suddenly we suddenly stop on some deserted road, the command “to battle!” comes, we all abruptly, but not skillfully, get out of the vehicles and scatter along the sides of the road, taking up positions for battle, some on the knee, some lying down, and some it’s stupid because it’s a bastard to get dirty, it’s good that the command is false, otherwise a well-prepared enemy would have thoroughly beaten us with such training.

Here is the first settlement, we rush at high speed along a good asphalt road through it, near some hangars I see a group of men, from them it is clear that these are ordinary hard-working farmers who are displeased and perplexed at how this morning began, but keep their distance, the soldiers of our column are also perplexed about where and why we are going, this can be seen from the tired and somewhat confused faces, but what to do? Jumping out of the vehicle, throwing the machine gun and exclaiming “I won’t budge until all this is explained to me!?”

Everyone is driving silently, “fucking”, for sure we have some kind of plan!

While we were flying through this village, in addition to the puzzled huddled men, I saw several old men, they came out and greeted us with the sign of the cross, a double feeling, either they saw us off to the next world, or they blessed us…

While driving through this village, I was surprised that these villages were pleasing to the eye, despite the now hostile, often seen flags of Ukraine or fences painted yellow blue…

We passed several more similar villages with gloomy huddled boys and single old men baptizing our column.

All this time I was driving with a cartridge in the chamber of the machine gun and was ready to shoot at anyone posing a danger, where, why and why we were going was not clear, it was definitely clear that everything was now very serious, obviously a real war had begun.

We passed some hangars, crawled slowly, at minimum speed, along some abandoned-looking hangars, something like Soviet cowsheds, between which we saw a stretched camouflage net and a military Kamaz type KShM, right there there was an unusual tower, an inner feeling told me there was danger and I wanted to open fire in that direction to attract the attention of others, logic said that reconnaissance APCs and UAZ attack aircraft were ahead and if they did not notice the strangeness, then everything was OK. But I was wrong again, logic and the modern army of the Russian Federation are not compatible, as soon as the Urals drove away from this place, indiscriminate shooting began, the column began to stop and prepare for battle, because I became a “mortar man”, then together with the others, I quickly jumped out of the truck and we began to prepare for battle, pulling out mortars and mines, right around the corner of the building behind which I saw a strange Kamaz, literally a minute later the order came to fold, the shooting continued, we threw mortars and flew further in a convoy of trucks and UAZs along the road about 300 meters, immediately again the command “to battle!”, again we jump out of the trucks, taking out mortars and mines, we begin to prepare them for shooting, we hear gunfire, I see that everyone is shooting from small arms and Utyos in the direction where I saw a Kamaz, not like ours, having prepared the mortars for battle, the commander yells that they need to be placed a hundred meters further, we grab the mortars and mines and run in the direction indicated by him, running sweating, holding parlets [carriers?] in each hand with mines “heavy whores, why the hell do I need this mortar!” we could hear the whistling of bullets nearby, it was clear that the bullets were landing next to us, the other young guys from the mortar, it seemed to me, didn’t understand this until I started shouting “bend down, these are bullets landing next to us!”, from where they were shooting, they didn’t I understood, I immediately had to run back again for “variable charges”, I didn’t know how to assemble the mortar and decided that I would have to carry it, at least some benefit, while I again ran with the mines from the truck to the crew, again cursed that I had gotten into the mortar, not I don’t understand the hell out of this, and running with such loads under fire kills my breathing right away, the weather was beautiful and warm, sweat poured from me in a stream, while I was running, again I saw splashes from bullets nearby, on this beautiful fine day, I remembered that a couple of days ago I was joking that if there is a war, they would rather shoot their own people than the Ukrainians. The commander behind, about a hundred meters away, was pointing a pistol, giving coordinates to the tower. I lay down and turned back in his direction, pointed the machine gun towards the hangars behind him, information passed that there was also an enemy there, I saw that the advanced ones from our column ran into those hangars. Our attack helicopters began to circle above us, they fired missiles, but somewhere in the other direction, which I didn’t see there, after that they came over us several times, probably finding out what was happening. At the same moment, about a hundred meters behind the commander with a compass giving coordinates, something exploded, it looked like it was a grenade launcher, at a loss how to attract attention, but realizing that he didn’t notice it, because of the shooting around, I shouted “mines!”, some turned around but there were no more explosions until we aimed the mortars at the coordinates and waited for permission to open fire, the tower next to the Kamaz was shot from the Utyos installed on the UAZ, it began to burn, they took prisoners from there, I still didn’t understand how many, from one to three, in a day I’ll get to know one of them again. After this shootout, having jumped into the Urals, I was sure that the bullets that were lying nearby, as well as the explosion of a grenade launcher behind the commander, were our own, the column stopped and began to fire from three sides, those who were shooting at us were arriving at about three hundred meters on the other hand, the “enemy” was in the middle.

There I lost sight of my company, it turned somewhere and went along other routes, I heard that they were going to storm the bridge across the Dnieper to Kherson, we should also go there, along a different route, but we didn’t get there on time.

Around noon, the column found itself in the sands of a coniferous forest, in the Kherson nature reserve; it very much reminded me of Kamyshin’s nursery, which I knew so well…

In these sands several more times we prepared for battle, shooting was heard, the column stretched out and somewhere someone was shooting at someone, I don’t know the details.

Helicopters and planes, as we went deeper into the territory of the Kherson region, were encountered less and less often.

The equipment began to break down and was simply abandoned on the road, and its crews joined others.

By about 1300 we drove out onto a huge field, behind there were sandy coniferous forests, in front of a huge field with already or still green grass, probably everyone was already pretty fucked up, moving along this huge field our trucks got stuck in the mud on it, there was a formation of our own a kind of invisible lowland, where the snow had long melted but the water in the ground had not dried out and there was a swamp that was not immediately noticeable.

Some of the UAZs broke through due to their lightness and drove ahead, our trucks got stuck, some remained guarding the column, several armored reconnaissance armored vehicles, some infantry fighting vehicles seconded from the 7th KShM division, shells [vehicle?] and Rakushki [APCs] and BMD4, there was some kind of hodgepodge that I did not understand. In general, it seemed to me that there were about 300 of us there, some from where, but the majority of the 7th Airborne Division, another 300 people were in front, the column was divided. BMD vehicles began to drive up and try to pull out the trucks, while they themselves got stuck in the mud.

One vehicle would be pulled out, but another was already stuck in its place. The Linza medical armored vehicle was stuck, the only modern equipment besides the BMD4 and Rakushki in our column. It was obvious that it was possible to drive along the edges of the field on the left and right, but everyone was stuck in the same place like idols…

Looking at all this for 30 minutes, I began to get nervous, a huge column in the middle of an open field, hills a kilometer to the left, a forest to the right, a kilometer away, the column has been standing in the middle of this field for half an hour, it’s just an ideal target. If the enemy notices us and is nearby, then we are “fucked up”, an ideal target for artillery or aviation. Many began to climb out of the crews and stand smoking, walking from one to another, I learn something that almost everyone already knows about, an order to go to Kherson, to capture the bridge across the Dnieper.

It became clear that we attacked Ukraine…

While we were driving, despite the fact that shooting was heard and rare, single light military equipment of the AFU was destroyed, and aviation was working somewhere, there was still no serious resistance.

We were standing in a field and no one could decide that the trucks should be abandoned, some of our guys went ahead, it became clear to me that we were using the effect of surprise, the main forces were going along a different road, and the Airborne Forces were given the task of making an unnoticed maneuver through fields and forests to go to the bridge and capture it by creating a bridgehead for the main forces. It was obvious that any delay now is a crime, because of this, we are now missing somewhere, we may not be in the right place, where they are counting on us now according to the plan, we will not be due to the fact that no one can decide to abandon the stuck trucks. The situation was aggravated by the fact that there were battles ahead on the right and left, it was audible, who and with whom was unknown, and a huge column stood tightly in the open area and did not occupy a defense.

It’s been 2 hours.

There was nothing to drink, and nothing to eat, though I didn’t feel like eating.

On the left behind the hill, the pace of the battle was increasing, something was burning, sometimes something was exploding, there were artillery attacks there, I took binoculars from the commander and tried to see something there, sitting with my knees on the ground, to no avail. I was already all dirty and covered in road dust, like almost everyone else, and wet thermal underwear did not add comfort.

Behind the hill where the battle was taking place, white and red rockets began to appear…

I did not know the established signals and began to walk from vehicle to vehicle and point to everyone there, asking what it meant, no one could answer. I began to walk from officer to officer and ask, pointing in that direction. In general, the atmosphere was strange, everyone was already long tired, everyone saw and heard the same thing, but either the people no longer had the strength (some slept in the vehicles), or simply, banally, as usual, “don’t give a fuck.” APCs of scouts drove up from behind, they pulled out the stuck vehicles in the sands of the forest behind us, I went to them to smoke with them and find out something. These guys were more interested in what was happening around and their view was more cheerful, it’s not for nothing that reconnaissance is considered more combat-ready than assault and parachute battalions, the people there are mostly ideological. While I was smoking with them, I found out that we already had wounded and dead, they brought one guy from the sands, a 7.62 bullet entered from behind between the shoulder blades and, penetrating the armor, killed him. Whether he died from a Ukrainian or a Russian bullet, it’s not clear. Despite the fact that they had just arrived, I began to be indignant at the mess in front of them, they shared my opinion, and were already happier because not everyone “gives a fuck,” began pointing to the hill and talking about signal flares from there, the shooting there was dying down and smoke was pouring out from the burning equipment, they decided that they would go and have a look, comb the hill, in case there was an enemy there. Having learned from them who was the eldest in the column, he went to the lieutenant colonel, finding him near other stuck vehicles that also climbed to pull out the trucks and got stuck themselves. The underground stood with a group of people, who the officer was now was not clear, almost all were in Ratnik camouflage suits, respectively, without insignia. Approaching him, I said, “Comrade Colonel, there is a battle going on behind the hill, two or three kilometers at the most, signal flares and smoke were being released, red and white, what do these signals mean, maybe ours need help there or Ukrainians!?”

He looked at me somehow strangely, but expressively, maybe he was digesting who I was in general, his face was tired, there were drops of blood on his uniform, he was probably helping a wounded man, as if the blood was not his. After a pause, looking into my eyes, then to the hill he replied, “I don’t know what that means, we need to get the fuck out of here!”

He then began to confer with the officers, understand what, with the officers, I, freaking out from this theater of military operations, wandered to my vehicle, as I already understood, no one else has a connection, we also don’t know the fate of those who went ahead, those whom we were supposed to to catch up, gunfire and periodic explosions were heard ahead, who is there and who is fighting with whom is not clear, the distance is also not clear, according to rumors we should be not far from Kherson, and while walking back I saw two APCs of our scouts climbing the slope to the hill. Having reached his Urals, stopping along the way and exchanging rumors with everyone. Some are sleeping in vehicles, some are wandering from one carriage to another, everyone looks tired and somewhat confused. Someone noticed the drone and there was a murmur in the column. Then a fighter flew low over us, no one understood whose it was ours or not, the command had no communication.

I walked 150 meters further from the vehicles, sat down on my knees with a machine gun on them, if there is shelling, it’s better to stay away from the vehicles, looking around I understand that even observer posts and guards for the column that stood in the middle of the field have not yet been set up, distance between the vehicles at times it was almost point-blank, if now artillery or aviation “blows” us, then this whole crowd will turn into a multitude of 200 and 300. I continued to sit on my knees, smoke and look around, the weather was beautiful, as if it was spring, the time was about 17:00 and the sun was already setting, February 24, 2022, the feeling was exciting, I remembered my mother in Krasnodar, my sister in Moscow, I began to go over my ex-girlfriends in my head, I am still not married and have no children. For some reason a lump appeared in my throat. For the last ten years I worked with horses, somehow it wasn’t bad, but the money I earned wasn’t enough to save for housing, I wanted to go for a walk and dress up, and without having my own place, at the age of 32 I decided that I would go back to the army, I’ll take out a military mortgage, the years are flying by, I need to become more serious and think about the future. As a result, my salary is less than thirty thousand and I don’t have the slightest desire to serve in such an army. I began to remember what everyone who knew me closely told me that my problem was that I am a truth teller, proud, stubborn and an idealist, I want everything around me to be perfect, but it doesn’t happen that way. Maybe they are right, even in the army I came and stood up like a bone in the throat for the entire command, I constantly assert my rights, my colleagues told me that complaints to the Ministry of Defense do not lead to anything, that you cannot break the system, it will grind you down and spit you out. As a result, they turned out to be right, except for damaged relations with the commanders, nothing has changed. Maybe now too, well, there is no connection, sometimes everyone is tired, just like me, they don’t understand what’s happening. They didn’t set up a guard, maybe they have information that there are other units on the flanks. Maybe everything really isn’t that bad and I’m just getting carried away. I understood that something global was happening, but what exactly was not known, all sorts of thoughts were spinning in my head, we couldn’t just attack Ukraine, maybe NATO really got involved and we intervened, maybe there were battles going on in Russia too, the Ukrainians attacked together with NATO, maybe there’s also something in the Far East, if America got into a war with us, the scale will be huge, and nuclear weapons, then surely someone will use them, holy shit, some kind of nonsense… the solution is either to throw away the weapons and go back towards the Crimea, or do what they say and don’t make up your own mind, understand that, I don’t know anything right now.

UAZs began to drive away from the column along the flanks, they still set up something like a guard, some of the vehicles, mostly BMDs, drove forward again, “this is fucked up, I fucking knew that all this fucking mess that was in peacetime would lead to fucked up in wartime. Why the hell did I join this army!? I wasn’t even happy about the annexation of Crimea, I was against the mess in the LDPR, I thought that we didn’t need Syria, and now I don’t understand where, under this incompetent leadership. Surely some donkey hit the guy in the back by accident, just like I was almost shot by my own people this morning. I already knew that one of them had his leg broken today, incomprehensibly how they turned the gun on the BMD, another one was run over by a caterpillar in the leg, this army doesn’t need an enemy, it will destroy itself.”

I got up and walked about 250 meters from me, they were starting to gather, damn, they also set up a formation, in the middle of the field, when there were battles all around, an artillery division was being formed, to which I now belonged as a “mortarman”. The commander of the artillery division didn’t even greet me, looking sideways at my clotted eye; we had communicated well with him before; after my ill-fated complaint to the Ministry of Defense, he also tried to stay away from me. While forming with everyone, thoughts were spinning in my head about what kind of nonsense this was all, I began to remember my early deceased father, how my entire childhood up to the age of 15 was spent in the 56th Airborne Forces, now, 17 years later, everything has changed so much, I saw nothing in common with the Airborne Forces of the past and the Airborne Forces of the present, people became different, the gloss was lost, the twinkle in the eyes disappeared. Now I serve in the 56th DShP, but for me all that remains of it is the name.

The commander tried to cheer everyone up, he said that there was no connection, hell understand what was happening, but the main thing is not to “piss”, now we will eat further, we will leave the stuck equipment (they would have asked me earlier), everyone should be ready for battle, we will break through to our people who have left ahead. They are waiting for us, but there is no contact with them either; ambushes by sabotage groups of the APU are expected ahead. He said this with feigned courage, but in his eyes I saw that he was also “wow.” But well done for at least clarifying something for people.

It was already getting dark, while we were leaving for our vehicles, I had finally formed the puzzle of the picture that two companies of the assault battalion had initially gone forward together with my battalion commander, my company had turned off somewhere along the way a long time ago and had to also go to the bridge, but on a different road, regimental commander with infantry fighting vehicles, I recently went after them because they were not in touch, we had to catch up and also be on the bridge, initially our entire regiment, reinforced by units from the 7th Airborne Division, was supposed to arrive there in its entirety by lunchtime, fortify itself on the bridge and enter Kherson.

Already in the darkness, the column began to move again, leaving some of the bogged-down equipment behind, while we were driving, I was sitting with a young mortarman in the “brakeless Ural”, on boxes with mines, having prepared machine guns for battle. I was thinking about my company and those in front, there was a fucker anyway. I felt awkward that I didn’t take it off, there are no friends close to me, but if they are fucked, and I left them because of my scandalous character. Some people teased me in the company, “Where is our veteran?” I was offended then, but now the veteran comes out in the rear, and the company is fucked, here on this powder keg, if we get ambushed, even in the dark against a competent enemy, then for sure we were “fucked up”, no one had any jokes anymore, everyone suddenly matured and became more serious, having driven slowly about thirty minutes forward, the column stopped, stood for about an hour. It was completely dark and the order came that we would stand here until dawn, turn off the engines, expect an enemy attack, the headlights were not turned on, the column lined up in the open area as if in a shooting range. I had the disgusting realization that if an experienced enemy attacked us at night, we had little chance, especially since I was in the Urals with mines. In the column there were thirty vehicles, trucks, UAZs, 2 BTR82 reconnaissance vehicles, several BMD2 and BMD4 and KShM Rakushki. It’s enough to blow up armored vehicles that won’t even withstand an RPG, I’m generally silent about Javelins, and then spray the column with machine guns, in the dark we won’t be able to figure out who’s shooting from where.

We decided to sleep, me and the guy in the back, the guys gave me someone’s sleeping bag, the two who were traveling in the cab sleep in the same place, together there are four of us, we are a mortar crew, from every three vehicles there are two patrol people, that is, 20 people patrolled the convoy at night. They climbed into sleeping bags without taking off their shoes, lay on boxes with mines, hugging machine guns. We didn’t eat anything, fell asleep around 23[:00], and it started to drizzle.

February 25

It seemed that we had just fallen asleep, the patrol was already waking us up to change them, it was 2:00, while we were sleeping we were frozen to the bones. Shooting and explosions can be heard in the distance. We patrol in complete darkness, walking intensively to somehow warm up. Everyone seemed to become closer to each other, the officers became simpler.

In an hour we’ll change, we’ll wrap ourselves up in our sleeping bag again and fall asleep, frozen. Around 5 in the morning they wake everyone up, we are getting ready to move out, everyone is already ready, no one undressed or lay in bed, everyone was “sleeping” in their turned off vehicles, we didn’t see anyone who even took off their shoes, it’s unclear what we are waiting for and again we eat at dawn. They send messages to the vehicles so that everyone is ready for ambushes. Reconnaissance APCs are ahead, the rest of the vehicles are slightly behind. The mood became more cheerful, I was surprised that no one attacked us at night, given our vulnerable position, this meant that things were not so bad and in the AFU either things were really even worse than ours, or we were now falling into a trap.

The column crawls along small country and dirt roads, again one of the trucks got stuck, due to overload the truck sat down in the sand on the rise, we begin to unload mines from it onto other trucks. I carry heavy boxes with the others (we are already exhausted) and grumble that it would be better to abandon the vehicle and hurry to our people, because again we are wasting time, the officer standing next to me (an old acquaintance) smilingly teases me, “So write a complaint to the Ministry of Defense,” and stands looking with a tired look, waiting for my reaction. I stopped and turned to him and made a speech about how if everyone had done like me, and not been busy with photo reports, useless formations and work, instead of learning something and doing real combat training, then we wouldn’t be in such a mess now, without communications and a lot of equipment unable to get to Kherson.

He looked away from me, pretending that somewhere there was something more interesting, he didn’t understand what it meant, that he didn’t want to talk or that he agreed with me. According to military discipline, I have no right to talk to him like that, so I silently continued to reload the boxes.

An hour later, the unloaded truck was able to leave the sand. The column drove out onto the asphalt road and stood up [stopped?] again. I cursed everything around, we were standing in an ideal place for an ambush, with thickets on both sides.

I jumped off from the “brakeless Ural” and began to smoke, wandering along the column. Next to the “brakeless Ural” there was an APC (BTR82) of scouts, glancing at them it seemed to me that I didn’t know any of them, the regiment had only recently been formed, not everyone knew each other, and considering that the Reconnaissance Battalion of the 7th division is now assigned to us, not finding familiar faces, I decided that the APC was from there, walked silently past, sweetly smoking one of the last cigarettes, someone from the APC cheerfully shouted to me, “Why don’t you say hello!?” Looking at the person who called, I understand that this is a young lieutenant who conducted my initial airborne training, despite the fact that he was much younger than me, he was one of the few young officers whom I truly respected, sometimes I met him at the stadium, he ran very well, perhaps best in the regiment. The higher command had not yet managed to discourage him from wanting to serve and he transferred to a reconnaissance company, which I failed to do, again thanks to my relationship with the company commander and the damn idea to complain to the Ministry of Defense in order to break the rotten system. We stood talking about nothing and everything, smiling at each other. I noticed that from now on everyone suddenly began to call each other brothers more and more often, and seeing acquaintances it became warmer and more joyful to communicate. Suddenly the chief medical officer of the regiment appeared, he was walking around looking for somewhere to transfer a wounded man, at night he met him on patrol and despite past conflicts between us because of my incident, while I was in the hospital with pneumonia, we had a good conversation about what was happening, seeing that in the back of our “brakeless Ural” there are only two people and the body is “evenly” laid with boxes of mines on which you can put a wounded person on a stretcher, they chose our vehicle.

Having laid the delirious guy on the boxes, the chief medical officer climbed into the back, gave him an injection, wrapped him in foil and covered him with a sleeping bag, told us to watch and if bleeding starts, tighten the tourniquet. It seems that this was the guy whose leg was broken by turning the gun on the BMD, he lay and moaned very quietly, periodically checking whether he was bleeding, he constantly said that he was cold, which is why we also covered him with our sleeping bags. As one person told me later, this guy died, instead of “American films” to evacuate him to the hospital to wonderful and caring nurses, we transported him further and further behind enemy lines on boxes with mines in the “brakeless Ural.” All the way with a young mortarman, we sat at the edge of the body on boxes with mines, we were concentrated preparing for an ambush. As I already understood, in the event of a clash, our task is to quickly unload the mortars, set them up, aim at coordinates and fire while supporting the infantry. 82 mm mortars with a maximum range of up to 4 km and no one has fired from them yet, they were only issued to batteries, before that they worked with 120 mm. Brilliant, as always, everything will be sorted out at the last moment on the fly.

We drove over terrible roads, some dachas, greenhouses, villages. In populated areas, rare people met us and saw us off with a sullen look. Over some houses, it seemed that Ukrainian flags were fluttering demonstrably, these flags were striking and evoked mixed feelings of respect for the brave patriotism of these people and the feeling that these colors now belonged to the enemy, and in this way these people demonstrated that they were not happy with us. There was a feeling of anxiety and a sense of danger from these houses, at the same time with a feeling of respect for their patriotism, I understood that if suddenly danger seemed to me from one of the houses that our column was passing by, then I would shoot without thinking, without attentiveness or delay - my death or comrades, doubts are dangerous. But at the same time, I didn’t want to kill anyone, there was no doubt that I would do it if necessary or if there was a threat to me or my comrades, but I wanted everything to go without blood. I still didn’t understand what awaited us next, what was the situation? What’s going on in the world? Who attacked whom? Why do we need Kherson? What about those who left ahead last night? Why the hell did I join a mortar [crew]?

We left on the highway at about 8:00, drove a little and slowly along it and began to meet ours, APCs, Tigers… shouting to the unfamiliar Tigers who were not there at 56, “Where are you guys from!?” in response they shouted “11th brigade! Where are you from?”

Driving slowly further, I saw a damaged APC that had driven off the road, further down there were more damaged military vehicles, shot or burned out, abandoned trucks with howitzers, some with bullet holes, some it was not clear whose, the color of the howitzers was somehow unusual, some of the vehicles were green like ours, some of a strange, incomprehensible color, on the road there is glass, blood, scorch marks, dirt, shell casings, the smell of blood and battle in the air, there is still smoke from some of them, although it seems that on some of them you can see Z on the sides, but small z, it is clear that the equipment was moving in the other direction, while thinking on the fly, the impression was that it was ours who shot the column of the AFU coming from Kherson, but why the hell did the AFU draw small letters Z on the sides of their equipment or is it our equipment?

Later, rumors came that ours destroyed their own column at night, even later, lying in the ward of the ophthalmology department of the Sevastopol hospital, with a small, stooped conscript who said that he was an artilleryman, for the first time during the war they were ambushed at night and their column came under fire from their own, the majority fled through the forests along the road, the Kherson Nature Reserve, not understanding what was happening… Immediately nearby UAZs line up in a column, I understand that these are the UAZs of my company, our column also stops nearby, I jump out of the “brakeless Ural” and go to my guys. Approaching them, I understand that they look kind of stunned, walking from vehicle to vehicle and asking how things are going, everyone answers me incomprehensibly: “Fuck, this is fucked up,” “We fucked all night, is there any smoking?”, “I’m aghast, what’s wrong with your eye?”, “I was collecting corpses from the road, there was one with his brains left on the asphalt”, “Give me a cigarette, we’re out of stock, and who screwed you?”, “Hello, where have you been, let me have a smoke?!”, I meet the eyes of one sergeant, he’s even older than me, I decide to pass by, now there’s no time for conflicts, in 2014 on the very first day of the war he was wounded, for which he immediately received the Order of Courage, he really liked to tell fired at, what a professional he is, it was usually funny for me to listen to his stories and I listened in silence with a smile, but on February 22, telling the guys around the fire how his brigade slaughtered “Khokhlovs” like kittens in some village or how their company destroyed a regiment of the AFU, I began to boil, understanding the danger of such “tales by the fire” and began to get involved in the argument, asking questions that were not convenient for him, within a day our relationship was destroyed and it was clear that he had already sunk to the ground. I continued walking from vehicle to vehicle of the company, greeting and sincerely rejoicing at seeing the guys, in order to find out if we had any losses, they told me that the young lieutenant, the one who was the platoon leader, with whom I had quarreled and partly because of whom I am now in the first day of the war in the new unit, this lieutenant disappeared, later it turned out that he sat down and left with the battalion commander and two companies ahead, what is now unknown to them, it seems to them “fucked up” …

Everyone looked exhausted, but more and more often everyone began to call each other “Brother.”

Civilian vehicles constantly drove past us, maneuvering between vehicles, taxis, ambulances, some vehicles looked suspicious, but no one paid attention to the civilians, only sometimes stopping and scrounging cigarettes from passers-by.

Why my company is not where the battalion commander of the assault battalion with two companies left, and my 6th assault company is standing here, I still don’t understand.

One more competent guy from the company shared the news with me like this: “Pasha, this is fucked up, it looks like the company commander was stupid, didn’t lead us where we needed to, we got lost, but by doing so he saved us all, the battalion commander looks like he’s ‘fucked up’ with two companies, he was here this morning regiment commander, he ordered the company commander in front of everyone, ‘where have you been, give me a cigarette!’”

After wandering along the column, I talked to other guys from the 11th Airborne Battalion and from the Marine Corps special forces, there were few of them, but these units had “Tiger” armored vehicles.

The only thing I realized was that the company received a baptism of fire and it’s good that everyone seems to be safe in it, although this is strange, according to the stories there was a battle all night, as they say, three sides took part in the shootout, ours, the Ukrainians and who knows who the third, but for there to be no losses after a battle that lasted all night is simply something unreal. As they say, fear has big eyes. The command “to vehicles” came and, trying to digest the information collected, I began to climb into the back of the “brakeless Ural”, just so as not to break my other eye. The wounded man was taken from the truck and taken away somewhere. It turns out that things seem to be not so bad for us. Now we are forming a column on the highway in several rows.

A colleague from a mortar came up to us and handed us one and a half ounces of water and two dry rations. We hadn’t eaten for the past 24 hours, having gotten drunk, we opened one dry pack, took a can of canned food and began to chew it cold, it seemed like we didn’t really want to eat, a slight excitement from adrenaline interrupted our hunger, because it was clear that now we were getting ready again to go to Kherson, there would probably be clashes.

Civilians with bags walked past the column along the highway, obviously those who were running away from the war, mostly everyone was walking and driving from Kherson, from where we were now preparing to move. I felt sorry for these people and at the same time it infuriated me and made me nervous that the vehicles were passed through the convoy without checking and therefore interfered with its construction, because it was already clear that this was a war and no one was welcoming us with open arms, among these people there were probably military, at any moment they can transmit our coordinates to artillery, aviation or UAVs, then the closely lined column on the highway is “fucked up.”

What caught my eye was a young guy in civilian clothes walking past us, who, unlike the others, was walking towards Kherson, I stood up and shouted “Hey, come here?!” The guy approached in fear, he looked about twenty years old, dirty clothes that were too big for him, short, dark, it was clear that he was not shaking much in front of me with fear, there was something alarming about him, I began to ask who he was and why he was going that way, he began to answer, babbling with a strong Ukrainian accent, that somewhere there he worked at some vegetable base, that because of the war, the owner told him that there would be no more work, that he lived in the Nikolaev region and was now going home.

It all seemed like some kind of nonsense to me, he didn’t inspire confidence and looked like a soldier disguised as someone who had been sent on reconnaissance, or like a deserter, I told him about this, he began to shake and make excuses, stuttering and showing his plastic passport, he really was 20 years.

We began to reassure him, “Don’t be afraid, we won’t do anything to you,” but don’t go to Kherson now, it’s better to go there after our column leaves, there was a feeling that there would be a mess there now and it would be better for civilians not to get caught between the military. The guy continued to babble that he had nothing to eat and so he had to go…

My comrade and I looked at each other and gave him one of our dry rations, I told him to go off the road into the forest, make a fire and warm up, eat and move on when we left, he took the dry ration and went into the forest. It seemed to me that the guy was lying, but what if I’m right and what should I do with him then, maybe he’s really just a deserter who doesn’t want to fight, there’s no anger towards him, I don’t care, I don’t feel much pity for him, some feeling of guilt crept in that we invaded and destroyed the lives of all these people, and at the same time, suddenly I’m right and he comes out to his people and gives the coordinates, on the other hand, hundreds of vehicles with video recorders have already driven past us, and some were openly filming us through the glass on their phones, what a madhouse.

This fuss with the formation of the column lasted until lunch, after which the column began to pick up speed and rushed at high speed in the direction of Kherson, we passed broken, burnt or abandoned Ukrainian equipment, it was old Soviet equipment even worse than ours APC, BRDM, GAZon, Urals, Old OSA-type air defenses, it seemed that in some places it was hit by helicopters, and most of it was abandoned or fired upon by small arms, most likely by our guys who broke through, I wonder what’s happening to them now. Several times the column stops and we, on command to fight, pour out along the edges of the road taking up positions, there is shooting ahead, at the head of the column there are APCs of scouts, a crowd of ten people lie down next to me at point-blank range, I start yelling at them to disperse and not cluster together, everyone some people were confused, yelling at them not to point their guns at each other, one of them joked with a stupid look, “oh, we have a professional!” immediately the driver of the “brakeless Ural” shoots next to me and, blushing, apologizes to everyone that he accidentally, we peer into the forest, there from the BMD in front someone fired several bursts from a cannon, from which the trunks of several trees shattered into splinters, further ahead there were columns. Also, someone somewhere was sending queues into the forest, there was information that there was an enemy there, I was lying peering into the forest, the adrenaline was going through the roof, the weather was gray and cool, the forest in front of us looked gloomy and there was nothing to be seen in it, someone nearby said that I think I saw someone, ten minutes later the team went to the vehicles again. Then there is a fork and signs to Kherson and Odessa, thoughts fly through my head that all my life I have dreamed of visiting Odessa, I always thought that I would like it there. Is it really possible that our troops are now entering all the regional cities like this, holding referendums like this and annexing them to Russia? I felt funny because I remembered the phrase “dreams come true”, holding the gloomy forest to my right at gunpoint, sitting on a box with mines at the edge of the side of the “brakeless Ural”, my partner controlled the forest on the left. The column was rushing at high speed, I saw several broken civilian vehicles, our burnt-out Tiger, also our Lynx, there was an RPG shot through the front window, the vehicle was abandoned, hit but not burned. I have thoughts about how we will storm Kherson, I don’t think that the mayor of the city will come out with bread and salt, raise the flag of the Russian Federation over the administration building, and we will enter the city in a parade column, everything that I have seen for the last two days does not look like the Crimean scenario. These two days of war are not clear. What is happening, what in Russia? What in Donbass? What happens in the world? I hope our command will not think of entering the city in a column. As far as I heard, Kherson is a large city, if we drive there in a convoy then we’ll be “fucked”, Grozny was much smaller, do the mistakes of the past teach us nothing? I knew our level of preparation and organization and was preparing for the worst, how bad things should be in the Ukrainian army, that our command decided that we would take this city in a hurry, especially since we were supposed to take it yesterday. Yesterday there was an effect of surprise on our side, but everything was as always, in peacetime it was a mess, in wartime it became even worse. I was sitting in armor and a helmet, the goggles from the helmet protected my eyes from dust from the road but prevented me from seeing clearly, the ammunition was uncomfortable, the machine gun had a broken belt buckle, which was why I had to fasten the end of the belt to a ramrod, the balaclava was uncomfortable and cold, it interfered with breathing, the straps of the bulletproof vest hurt my shoulders, I haven’t taken it off for two days, the standard combat boots are not comfortable, my legs are wet and frozen in them, these stupid white bandages on my arm and leg are already darkened with dust and dirt, who even invented them, why are we playing airsoft, in a battle at a distance no one will look at them. There were two cigarettes left in the pack, and almost everyone around them had already run out. Okay, get your act together, we probably have some kind of plan!

It looks like there should be a bridge across the Dnieper somewhere nearby, suddenly we start to slow down, the speed is low, then we stop, then we eat again, our military vehicles begin to fly past us, but in the opposite direction. It is clear that the drivers are pressing the gas to the floor. At the same time, squeezing everything possible out of the technology, I begin to see friends in vehicles rushing past, anxiety appears in my head, I don’t understand shit, the whole column is flying back at full speed, we begin to turn around and fly back at maximum speed. We are overtaken by all those who could and in the end our unguarded trucks catch up with the others…

”Fuck!”, what’s going on there?!

The time is already about 16:00, it’s not clear, it feels like we flew 50 kilometers in the opposite direction, the column lines up again and begins to turn into the forest along the sand, breaking trees, in the forest 150 meters from the highway they begin to place equipment in the places indicated by them, people begin to get out of their vehicles and exchange information, shooting at each other, have a smoke, through the commanders they are told that Ukrainian cities have been spotted ahead, everyone is preparing for shelling, urgently dig in as deep as possible, the vehicles are almost out of fuel, problems with communication are being exposed in a way I don’t understand positions in a kind of all-round defense, but where the mortars should be located is not yet clear; the impression was that each commander chose positions chaotically. Someone begins to dig trenches, someone doesn’t understand where they are going, someone opens the dry rations and quickly tries to eat, taking advantage of the moment, who and how is in charge of this is not clear…

My comrade and I also decide to warm up the dry food on the burner until the positions for our mortar are indicated to us; in about fifteen minutes we warmed up and poured hot porridge into ourselves, at this time someone from the mortar told the mortar foreman, a Dagestani warrant officer, that he had not been there for two days. I ate and didn’t know that we had dry rations and water, he responded by yelling that he doesn’t give a fuck and in that Kamaz go take it and eat it all at once, I silently eat while sitting on the ground and watching this scene, it looks like they’re just losing it each other on a friend, realizing that you need to quickly chew while you have the opportunity.

Having eaten and realizing that no one around has cigarettes and the positions for mortars have not yet been determined, I walk around the camp trying to find a smoke, while looking for familiar faces, but getting to know everyone around whom I didn’t know. To the next person I meet, I say, “Brother, let me light a cigarette,” he stops, looks at me tiredly and says, “Brother, I’m actually the division commander,” while taking out a cigarette and giving it to me, I take the cigarette, light it, and say with a cocky look. “Sorry then, thanks for the cigarette.” I really don’t give a damn now what his titles and position are, it’s obvious that he actually doesn’t either. Everyone walks around without insignia. Considering that we are now expected to work out enemy Grads and it is obvious that then there will be many 200 and 300, we are occupying a perimeter defense, our planes and helicopters have not been seen for a long time, there is no communication, we are a hundred kilometers behind the lines, everyone is tired and wants to sleep, but no one wants to die either, some are intensively digging trenches with all their strength, sweating profusely…

Sweetly smoking a cigarette, I walk around the “camp” in search of information and the desire to shoot in reserve, it turns out that we occupied a square of about a kilometer by a kilometer, there are about 500 of us here, the equipment is placed chaotically, trenches and trenches are being dug, the soil is sand. I understand that the trenches are in sand and will definitely not save us from MLRS, but there are large coniferous trees above us, perhaps they will help somehow, although if the missiles explode on them, the fragments will still fly down, taking 200 and 300. I walk with a lump in my throat, realizing that I may not live to see the morning and those whom I see around me too, this makes me very happy to see them all, it seems like they are me.

Approaching one of the groups and shooting a cigarette again, they tell me that there is a national team, well, I'm happy now, too. I’m also glad, I throw green granules over my lip, they relax me greatly and, spitting saliva, I stand and communicate with the guys, they tell me what they out of the 11th brigade, that there are only about 50 of them left, that it looks like they are the last of their brigade, the rest are probably not alive, their 11th brigade was dropped here by helicopter.

Having listened to them calmly, I moved on with a feeling of resentment in my heart for our army, which was doing everything fucking, anything except real training and now being in this position, I was offended by the realization that I would probably die so ingloriously with these guys under MLRS attack and a counterattack by the AFU or who the hell are we fighting with, NATO? Who could destroy those who broke through? Where are the main forces? Where are the Almatians, Sarmatians, white swans and all the other crap from propaganda on TV?! Then I already internally realized that death was near, but I was determined not to give my life cheaply, despite this, and having walked around the entire camp, I realized that here was about half of my regiment, reinforced by the 7th division, 11th brigade and a little special forces of the Marine Corps, it’s not clear what’s wrong with us turned out to be, i.e. almost all paratroopers…

I continued to walk around the camp with the thought that we had burned our positions and the MLRS would hit us 100%, there would be more losses, if sabotage groups of the AFU came at the same time attacking us after the shelling, then for us it would be just a “meat grinder”, we are exhausted, we are not on our own land, we don’t know the terrain, there is no communication, there is no aviation or artillery support, those who rushed forward seem to have already been destroyed. Walking around the camp and looking for my company, I remembered my father, everything I knew about 56 in Yugoslavia, Chechnya 1 and 2 companies, height 776 and 6 company, it looks like we will repeat their fate, a mess of corruption, lack of normal training and straight into the pussy, in a war, one in the field is not a warrior, success will depend only on overall coherence, preparation and motivation, I understood that we had gaps in coherence and preparation, but walking and talking with my brothers, I understood that we have motivation, despite the fact that things are bad with us, everyone has come to terms with the fact that the paratroopers who left ahead most likely died, and that’s about a thousand. Apparently, I and the others agreed on the idea that we might have to die here. While I was walking and looking for my company with a lump in my throat and resentment at all the fucking around, at the fact that so ridiculously many of us could die, the thought finally took root that despite the fact that I am against the war, for the Airborne Forces and all the paratroopers who gave their lives earlier, I will die, so be it, it’s a shame that our preparation was only on paper, but the glory of the Airborne Forces of the past, we do not have the right to tarnish, to die like that with music. If our Ukrainian brothers killed those who went ahead, then everything is very serious and we must be determined to fight to the end, we will not give up our lives so easily. At this time, some bastard was sitting in warmth and comfort, chatting about how he was now ashamed to be Russian (I learned this upon my return), I was thinking about what was happening now, maybe Moscow is also under attack? I have a sister there. We didn’t know what was happening in the world on the evening of February 25…

Having found my company, I saw everyone in a hurry digging trenches and trenches; the deeper you dig in, the greater the chance of surviving an artillery strike. The soil was soft-sandy, most likely in the event of an explosion nearby the trenches would crumble immediately, it seemed to me that it would be better to distribute people at a greater distance from each other, there were about 500 people in an area one kilometer per kilometer, there were trucks with ammunition right there, in case of artillery shelling from the enemy will always hit the bull’s eye. But no one asked me, the “father commanders” know better, but who is in charge of all this madness is not clear. Walking around and saying hello to the guys, I was very happy to see each one, I wanted to cheer each one up and for someone to cheer me up, because perhaps we won’t see each other again. I remembered my first parachute jump, we jumped near Dzhankoy in the Crimea, everyone on board was first-timers, when the helicopter suddenly began to rise into the sky and the yellow light at the ramp came on, I, like everyone else, was “wow”, but seeing that everyone around became pale and their faces changed, then he began to forcefully smile and show everyone a thumbs up, while looking for eye contact, all I was thinking about then was the main thing not to screw up, everything looked about the same now, only the situation was much worse. I saw a captured Ukrainian, I saw several from far away in UAZ vehicles in the morning. He was sitting by a tree, with his hands clasped, next to him lay a couple of empty cans and an empty plastic bottle from the cart, the cans were Ukrainian, probably his dry food, it was clear that he had recently eaten. My friend, a Dagestani, by the way, a man with a capital M, stood nearby and guarded him; I got the impression that he was protecting him more from his own people. One of the passing colleagues shouted to the company commander, “let’s shoot him the fuck out, how many of ours did they put in?” it was clear that he would have really killed him if they had given him the chance. Now that the losses have begun, cruelty and a thirst for revenge have awakened in people. The prisoner had a huge black eye with a bruise under his eye; it was clear that the blow was very strong and most likely not with a hand. For some reason I really wanted to look at him and talk to him, so I squatted down next to him. He was a plump man of about 45 years old, he was greedily smoking a makhorka that a Dagestani had just carefully handed to him and given him to smoke. He seemed like one of us and a stranger to me at the same time, the only difference between us is that now our countries are in conflict, but he and I were born in the USSR. I looked at him like an alien, but I didn’t find anything unusual, I didn’t have anger towards him, for some reason I felt sorry for him. Looking into his eyes, for some reason I said loudly, “Well, Brother, are we going to die together?” “They’ll fuck with hail,” he replied, smiling, “probably together.” I learned from the Dagestani guard who was guarding him that one of our guys decided to interrogate him and he didn’t like the way he answered him, for which he gave him a leg injury. The regiment commander noticed this and forced him to apologize to the prisoner, threatening a tribunal. Where is the regiment commander? I had never seen him before, but I knew that he was somewhere nearby. A company commander passing by saw me and teasingly asked, “Well, Filatyev, do you like it in the mortar? Have you finally left the commander who is to blame for all your troubles?” I angrily replied that now we are all in the same boat, and finding out who is to blame for whose troubles is not the best time, he looked away as if agreeing with me and walked further as he walked, shouting at the top of his lungs, giving some orders that were more like screams.

Someone is running somewhere, someone is walking, someone is digging, someone is dragging…

I get up and go back to the mortar, I have to hurry, it suddenly starts to get dark, passing by the company’s Kamaz, the company sergeant-major stops me and in the confusion asks me to help load 200, I say that I need to hurry, he insists that it won’t take long. Several people in Kamaz are receiving corpses on stretchers, all of them are very tired, others drop stretchers from the ground for them, how many are already loaded in Kamaz, I don’t see, there are three 200 on the ground on stretchers, I help load them, how heavy they are, or am I just that tired. As I walk, I ask if they are from our company, and they answer me that they are not. Having loaded the bodies, I rush to the mortar, approaching them, I find out that positions for the mortars have been determined, we unload the mortars, there are only five crews now of four people each. We drag the mortars to the edge of the positions, even deeper into the forest, it’s heavy, our feet get stuck in the sand under the load, we’ve come, we throw mines and mortars…

I stand and grumble that this is fucked up, not a position, a small clearing, we place five mortars in a line, pointing the guns in different directions. To walk to our nearest 200 meters, it turns out that we are without cover, we only have machine guns. If they come out of the forest towards us, we’re screwed. The rest don’t even know that we are here, no matter how they covered theirs at night from the Utyos and AGS…

I understand that my machine gun has disappeared somewhere from behind my back… fuck, this is fucked up… the buckle on the belt is broken, and while I was dragging the parcels with mines on my back, I didn’t feel it unfasten and fell. I’m walking back along the same path and peering around in search of a machine gun, it’s almost dark, I’ve reached almost the middle of the camp where mortar trucks were parked, one of ours yells “who fucked up the machine gun!”, I run up and with a feeling of relief shout “it’s mine!”, I check for sure. My “thank you,” I’m going back to the outskirts to the mortars. When I arrived, I saw that the guys were already digging trenches for mortars, I was digging with them, it was almost dark, we had no strength, but we were digging…

When we finished it was already dark, about 21:00. We were wet with sweat, and it became very cold in the forest.

There have been no salvos fired at us so far, this is very good, but perhaps the enemy is deliberately waiting for the night to fire at us at night, and then perhaps the infantry will attack us, in complete darkness, in the forest. How else can we explain that the enemy’s hailstorms have not yet hit us?

I remember how the positions were arranged, it seemed like they would shoot each other in battle.

We begin to discuss what to do and how we will sleep, our mortar is the furthest one, there is forest on three sides, none of our people are there. If the enemy comes at us, our mortars will be easy prey.

What idiot decided that this would be a good position for mortars? They will still be of little use in the forest. One young guy puts forward a theory that the command specially sent us deep into the forest, that we are of little use here with mortars, we only have machine guns as weapons, from the forest the main forces see the route and the enemy with the routes will be marked, but if the attack comes from the forest, then we, standing on a small sandy clearing, are an ideal target and bait. I understand that we all seem to be losing faith, we need to calm down, the command’s plan is not clear. All that the command conveyed was that we were digging into the ground, preparing for shelling with Grads and an attack by the enemy, there was no communication, no aviation, the fuel in the tanks was almost finished, we were deep in the rear. If they come at us, then by the time they kill us the main forces will be ready. Maybe he’s right? Why aren’t there any scouts here? It would have been more logical to place secrets [observers?] around the perimeter at a distance from the camp, but no one placed them. Nonsense. We haven’t seen our battery commander since yesterday; according to rumors, the battalion commander took him with him as a spotter, then perhaps he also died. I ask a young comrade about this, he replies that he doesn’t feel sorry for this freak, he’s in a great mood, I regret that I raised this topic. Or maybe they broke through to Kherson, gained a foothold there and are fighting surrounded by them, waiting for us. We have two lieutenants left, platoon commanders, but they are with the command somewhere in the middle of the camp. Who will give us coordinates? In theory, we can fire mortars along the route, but the trees in the forest are very tall. There are a lot of equipment with large-caliber weapons there, the track can be covered like in a shooting range, why the hell are our 82mm mortars here? I remember that the positions of my company are directed approximately in our direction, they are not visible behind the forest.

In short, if the enemy attacks through the forest, we have almost no chance; if we retreat back to the camp in the event of a battle, our own people will knock us down without understanding who we are in the turmoil. I set myself up to believe that in the event of an attack, I have to fight back any way I can, there is nowhere to retreat. Again, like last night, I began to think about God in my subconscious, probably we are all people like that, when the pressure is on, we remember him. I accepted that I most likely wouldn’t survive this night, but I wouldn’t give up my life cheaply; last night we weren’t attacked while we were standing as if in a shooting range, although there were battles nearby. I don’t think we’ll be so lucky again this night. In my opinion, the whole of Ukraine already knows where we are and how many of us there are. Sometimes gunfire and explosions could be heard from somewhere far away. In any case, the local military knows this forest well.

According to the idea, if a full-scale war began, then ours would probably have launched missile and bomb strikes on all military targets, destroying all large enemy formations, but something tells me that everything is going badly.

There was complete darkness and silence in the forest, only a little light from the stars through the clouds fell on our clearing, through night vision devices we saw only our field, everything that was not visible in the trees was too dark and the devices did not help, and we needed to save the battery.

We begin to fall asleep despite the cold. I convince the guys to have two sleep in the trench near the mortar, and two lie near the trench and watch the forest on both sides, our positions are extreme and we have no one to rely on if the enemy comes from our side. I convince them that it’s better to change every half hour, we haven’t all been sleeping properly for a long time and I’m worried that if we all fall asleep, we might sleep through our lives.

So we do, two are sleeping, two are watching. It seems like you just fell asleep, they immediately wake you up to change you. How beautiful it is all around in its own way.

It’s very cold…

I really want to sleep…

Wash up…

Hot food…

Now I would like a cup of hot coffee…

If only I could open YouTube now and see what’s happening in the world, maybe YouTube has already been closed down?

There is shooting going on somewhere far away…

Why is there no communication, maybe they used nuclear weapons…

Where is all our aviation?

I want to smoke, my cigarettes are long gone…

Just don’t fall asleep on duty, I don’t want to be caught off guard…

Somewhere far away, something explodes…

The time is already five o’clock and it seems to be getting lighter…

At dawn, it is best to attack…

It’s already six in the morning and it’s light…

Did it really happen and they didn’t kill us all here that night with MLRS, and then send the infantry on an assault to finish us off.

February 26

It was already light, around 6am. To meet the new day was joyful, along with the dawn, there was hope again and the thought that you would not have to die heroically surrounded, it became warmer.

The body was clogged and stiff, and the bulletproof vest was still on. Suddenly, the sound of a column appeared from afar, a lot of tracked vehicles were heard, the sound was distorted, but it came from the highway.

From the depths of the camp, a shout of “Attention, everyone get ready!” was heard.

The noise from the equipment grew, it was clear that the column was large. That’s right, the tanks are coming.

The question in my head was whose tanks are these?

There was silence in the forest, and everyone was tense and quiet.

The column was already very close, now it had already caught up with our positions near the highway. From the depths of the camp joyful cries of “Ours!” were heard.

It was a column of the 33rd motorized rifle regiment, the column contained tanks and BMP, fuel tankers and Pantsir-M [sic: strictly Pantsir-M is the naval version] air defense, Msta-type artillery.

The 33rd Motorized Rifle Regiment is from Kamyshin, it was created last year on the basis of the disbanded 56th DShB, some of the paratroopers remained in Kamyshin and joined the infantry of this 33rd Motorized Rifle Regiment, some quit, some transferred to other cities, some remained in the 56th DShB and moved to Feodosia. Those, many of 56 and 33 had previously served together, many of 33 were former paratroopers, and as they told us that we were all already buried there, they thought that we had been destroyed and that’s why no one got in touch. The meeting was joyful, everyone’s spirits were noticeably lifted. Soon, the Pantsir arrived with the convoy and began to shoot down drones and aircraft above us. Perhaps this saved us from MLRS attacks. Their column continued to stand on the highway, we continued to stand in the forest. The mood was already more optimistic and relaxed, we even began to make fires to warm the dry food and, having boiled water, drank tea and coffee. Closer to 11 o’clock the command came to pack up and prepare to move out. Having immersed ourselves, we began to line up on the side of the road. The fuel arrived and our equipment was being refueled. I wandered around the convoy, meeting new people and finding out who knew what. One of the guys I just met handed me a cigarette, I threw it over my lip and stood relaxed talking to him, suddenly I was stunned, we were standing next to the Pantsir, it fired a rocket and it beautifully left a winding white trail in the blue sky and exploded destroying the drone right above us. During this day, about 20 of them were shot down. Closer to lunch, the team all went to the shelter for battle, enemy armored vehicles were spotted and were moving towards us from the direction of Kherson. This whole crowd rushed into the forest, chaotically taking up positions.

I was again struck by the idea that if they reached us and drove past, half of us would shoot each other…

I tried to find a position for myself so as not to come under fire from my own people, when I realized that this was almost impossible, I just sat down by a tree and took off my helmet, the sun was shining brightly, it was hot…

Suddenly a young mortar lieutenant gave the command to set up the mortars, we grumblingly ran to the trucks to get guns and mines, shouldering them and trying to run with them in order to set them up faster, the sand also moved under our feet while we were dragging them about a kilometer to the old positions, we heard shooting a few kilometers away from us on the highway from Kherson. Then I realized that I had screwed up my helmet, I left it in the forest where I was sitting, when the order came to urgently set up the guns, I and the others jumped up and ran, forgetting about it…

I didn’t see it, but when I found out that in front of our main column there were scout APCs and tanks, they opened fire, destroying several vehicles, the rest drove back, as I understood there was a small enemy column, perhaps it went out for reconnaissance, I don’t know the details.

As soon as we installed the mortars, the command to stand down came, we again piled mines and guns on ourselves and dragged them back. While walking, I felt that fatigue had accumulated and there was almost no energy. While we were standing there, I wandered through the forest and asked everyone around if anyone had taken my helmet, there were about five hundred people in the forest, no one saw, I couldn’t find the tree I was near then, it seemed like my brain was already boiling from fatigue.

Only last night they were frozen to the bone, now it was very hot, the uniform was soaked with sweat again.

For several more hours we lined up in a column, our vehicles continued to fill up from fuel-tankers.

A team of vehicles arrived, everyone got in and waited for the command to move.

At about 16:00, we set off.

Once again it was necessary to prepare for the assault.

In front of the main column in which I was, there were tanks & reconnaissance APCs, periodically there was fire from tank guns and heavy machine guns in front.

The column moved at high speed, but periodically stopped, we jumped out of the vehicles preparing for battle and again receiving the command to stop, jumped on the vehicles and moved on. One guy from the other Car didn’t have time to jump into his own and we literally threw him over to us on the move. He was also a young Crimean guy, who had been to Kherson before, and while we were approaching the bridge, it was as if he was taking us on an excursion telling us about the area. He had a fairly harsh attitude towards Ukraine and spoke angrily about the Nazis. I didn’t have any anger inside, but I liked to listen to him, so it was easier for me to tune in, either they are us or we are them, I had no doubt that if necessary I would pull the trigger, but at the same time I didn’t feel like I was doing something right, everything was like in a dream.

The sun began to go down sharply, everything became gray, the smell of gunpowder and smoke, we passed and periodically saw broken vehicles and old equipment, it seemed to me that the abandoned Ukrainian equipment that we saw yesterday was also destroyed, most likely the tanks that went ahead destroyed it now from afar so as not to risk it. Also on the track since yesterday, a lot of our equipment appeared, mainly BMD2 and UAZ, the equipment just broke down on the move and it was thrown away. In front of the bridge, I saw destroyed Grads.

After crossing the bridge over the Dnieper (the river turned out to be quite wide and reminded me of the Volga) I noticed several corpses, it’s not clear whose, behind the bridge there seemed to be a fortified post and a gas station, it is unclear when, but it was clear that the fighting was going on here.

All the way I saw broken gas stations and shops.

Tank gunfire rang out periodically ahead. It began to get very dark and cold.

The Crimean guy said that soon we will see Kherson, really on the left at dusk, in the distance we could see the lights of a big city, our huge column without headlights, skirted it along the highway.

Passing one of the burning wrecked Ukrainian vehicles, in the dark it is not clear if it was a tank or an infantry fighting vehicle, it was about a hundred meters away from us in the field, an explosion thundered brightly blinding and the turret flew up, we all jumped up and aimed our weapons in that direction while our truck drove by, it looks like the BC [ammunition?] just detonated, I have not seen such explosions yet. Probably everyone’s nerves were on edge, we were waiting for the fight. Then picking up speed, then stopping abruptly, we moved on, suddenly the driver sharply turned the steering wheel to the left, we flew along [inside] the [truck] body with boxes, a mortar flew up and hit my leg. Having passed, we saw a wrecked tank in the dark, it looks like a Ukrainian one, which the driver in the dark saw at the last moment, in fact, the driver of the “brakeless Ural”, just for being able to drive it here, already deserves an award. What a madhouse, the Urals went to war without brakes…

The road was broken, it was dark, the column began to crawl slowly, the vehicles began to gather tightly in a bunch and for a long time standing close to each other became an excellent target for aviation and artillery. How fucked up should the AFU be that they didn’t “fuck” us up yet? This huge column, slowly crawling along the highway toward Kherson, was an ideal target for aviation and artillery.

We have been crawling for several hours, along the highway toward the city, in the distance I saw several bursts of machine-gun tracers on our column from the city, the column moved on…

Slowly crawling along the highway in complete darkness, some began to run into broken roadside shops and pull out cigarettes, chips, soda… No one had cigarettes anymore, I also wanted to run there, I really wanted to smoke, adrenaline, fatigue, cold, hunger, thirst, I didn’t consider it theft, I didn’t care, but I couldn’t find the right moment, it’s easier to get out of the UAZ and jump back than into the back of the Ural, and no one will wait for anyone and somehow in the dark you won’t get run over by your own wheels. At one of the moments of pause, a guy was running past, jumping back into the Tiger with a package, I shouted to him “Brother, give me a smoke!”, The convoy was already moving, but he quickly threw three packs of cigarettes into the back of us, jumping into his “Tiger” as he went. Finally, I have something to smoke, I smoke several cigarettes in a row, I am incredibly happy about these cigarettes, Ukrainian cigarettes are not so bad, red West, strong, they don’t sell them like that here. I’m not pleased that I didn’t buy them, I’m not used to taking other people’s things, but I console myself with the fact that the local marauders have already begun to rob for themselves, I smoke and I’m angry at the command that we’ve been here for three days and apparently no one above really thought that we we will smoke, eat and drink, I remember how a week ago at the training ground we lined up in a column and there was an order to travel lightly, when the majority still believed that this was an exercise, I felt that something was brewing, but that it would go further than the DPR and LPR, not assumed in his worst forecasts or maybe he also deceived himself with hope.

About one o’clock in the morning I saw the whole of Kherson, the column was standing stretched along the highway, I had the impression that we were encircling the city, I hope our great commanders would not lead us to the city at night in a column, I was sure that then it would be very deplorable.

We sat in our vehicles, unloaded 120mm mortars nearby and opened fire somewhere, their range was up to 8 km, our 82mm mortars with a range of up to 4 km were only suitable for covering the assaulting infantry. Again the thoughts creep in that why the hell did I go to the mortar, it would be better if I were now with an assault company, I’m sitting on boxes with mines, like on a powder keg…

However, my company was also stationed nearby. A friend came up from the cab and gave us a bottle of soda, someone gave us a few bottles, we drank it in one gulp, the sweet water gave us a little energy.

At about two in the morning, our reconnaissance company left for reconnaissance at the Kherson airport, our regiment was supposed to occupy it, followed by us in mortar trucks and an assault battalion (of which only my company remained, the other two disappeared with the battalion commander on February 24) in UAZ and parachute battalion on BMD2 (it also seemed to me that there were few of them, either some of them turned away somewhere, or so many vehicles broke down along the way.) As I later found out, it wasn’t far to go, but we crawled slowly. Residential buildings, some buildings, shops, gas stations and warehouses were already visible, it was a suburb, the Airport sign appeared. There were often broken vehicles, shooting was periodically heard somewhere, I was already tired of the tension of waiting, hunger, cold, crazy I was falling asleep, but I was afraid to fall asleep and be taken by surprise, my comrade was also falling asleep, there were many wonderful places for an ambush around…

It seems that we slowly entered the airport, our “brakeless Ural” stopped near the terminal, I saw how they were already calmly entering and exiting the building, the command was setting up headquarters in the building. It seems that everything is not so bad and we completed our task, at that moment I myself did not understand how I fell asleep…

February 27

Bright light, some kind of fuss, someone shouts for battle, our Ural went somewhere, but suddenly stopped, we jump out of trucks and do not understand why, a strong explosion lit up everything around and I saw six of our mortar trucks, UAZs nearby my company, some equipment is further away, Kamaz exploded on the runway, I don’t know how many vehicles are on fire, two or three, people run away, fall to the ground, someone takes up positions, some vehicles move further from the fire and explosions, everything explodes again, I see the terminal building from there I hear bursts of machine guns, I don’t understand a damn thing, I ask those who catch my eye “what’s going on?”, no one understands anything, powerful explosions are repeated, and fragments with a buzz and whistle cut through the air. I fall to the ground after each explosion and jump to my feet again trying to understand where we are being attacked, who is shooting from what and where. The Kamaz blazes brightly illuminating the huge area of the airport, it was filled with howitzer shells, so the explosions are constantly repeated. A young lieutenant, also not understanding what is happening, gives the command “mortars to battle”, we set up mortars, take up positions. I’m tired of constantly reflexively performing burpees [calisthenics] during explosions, so I walk away another 50 meters and lie down covering my head with a machine gun, I immediately regretted the lost helmet, 200 meters to the burning Kamaz, fragments from explosions fly further sometimes sticking into the ground. Somewhere nearby, another Kamaz is burning. I look around, my company takes up positions lying on the perimeter around, I lie down next to them, I try to find out what’s going on, no one knows anything. After about 10 minutes, I understand that we were not ambushed and no one is attacking us now. I don’t know how, but several trucks were destroyed, it is not clear whether there are dead and wounded, after a couple of hours the vehicles burned out and their pieces just smoked, the explosions stopped, it’s already dawn. We begin to dig in, my company spreading out in a line of UAZs at a distance of about a hundred meters from each other, in each UAZ there are 4-5 people, a total of 40 people from the company, another 10 people seconded drivers. For example, one of the drivers, from the UAV [drone] platoon, was assigned as a driver by someone else at the training ground in the Crimea, although he learned to be a UAV operator and did not ask to be a driver. A line of UAZs at a distance of one hundred meters from each other, behind them is a runway, behind it a terminal near it, where the command is located, no one else in my field of vision. We are digging our mortars in front of the last UAZ, I start telling the lieutenant that it’s nonsense to dig trenches in front of the assault infantry, that we need to find out the positions, he is stupid, he was told our positions are here, our trucks with mortar bombs are right next to us, some nonsense, if we are attacked now, they will also turn into fireworks, and even near us. Getting the lieutenant, he says to me, go to the terminal and tell it to the command, the other mortar men grumble and start digging in their mortars. I understand that here, too, I start to get smart and argue with the commanders, I decide to shut up and go drip too, I have a feeling that I no longer have the strength to argue and I have no choice. Our crew is four people.

The ground is hard and clayey, we dig until 11 o’clock. A command comes to drive our trucks into the forest belt near the landing strip, drivers get into trucks and six vehicles leave and stand about 250 meters behind, the forest belt consists of dry small trees, looking at how they stand as camouflage, I understand that they will be visible from any distance, there are no leaves at the end of February, and dry sticks less than trucks in height cannot hide them in any way, but it’s good at least they drove them back.

In the distance in the field, 2 kilometers in front of us, a vehicle appeared, drove into the forest belt, it is not clear who it is, we fired a mine in its direction so that it would not come closer. UAZs go out to investigate, check the surroundings. The passenger vehicle, raising a column of dust, drives away at full speed.

Around 12 o’clock the order comes for the mortars to move closer to the weather station near the terminal (as I said, we dug trenches there in vain), we arrive there, and from there the lieutenants are called to the command for a meeting. Having returned from there alarmed, they change our positions to the forest belt, to the trucks, dragging the guns there, we put everything in the trucks, the time is approximately 14:00, they bring us the following information: “our task is to hold the airport at any cost, according to intelligence data to us from Nikolaevsk is moving approximately 20 tanks and 2000 infantry (including mercenaries). We are also expecting Grad [rocket] attacks. Our large-caliber artillery will cover us from afar; we need to camouflage our vehicles and bury ourselves in the ground, because if the enemy comes close to us, the artillery will catch us. 82mm mortars will be of no use, so we must dig in near the trucks and act like infantry, whoever is not satisfied, hand over your weapons, Crimea is in that direction.”

Fuck, I understand that the lieutenants are also frightened, but they are trying to save face. It is clear that everyone, to put it mildly, is depressed. Someone says that he doesn’t fucking need it, someone tries to be brave, someone silently begins to disguise the vehicles, which is why the trucks look like a pioneer bonfire being prepared, thin dried sticks like a hut on a truck, which is why the forest belt is thinning out and from far away you can see how six trucks with mortar bombs are littered with sticks, I can’t keep silent again and say that this is all bullshit, not a disguise, we need to dig in quickly and away from the trucks, otherwise if they explode in battle, then we’re all fucked up. The lieutenant offers a place thirty meters from the vehicles, everyone starts arguing and everyone chooses a place for the trench, as a result, we dig chaotically in front of the vehicles 30 meters from them, I also dig in next to them, although I understand that this is suicide. Again, I agree that in military institutes they teach you not to think, the only good thing is that even though they are nearby, the entire command is higher than the company commanders in the terminal. Several people went there to get water. When they returned, they brought as much water [or vodka?] as they could carry, got a little drunk, told us that all the command is there, there is a water supply and Duty Free in the airport has already been destroyed, there is a sense of urgency, we are here without a dick, the command is there for sure with food, alcohol, cigarettes and water, the terminal looks pretty strong, there are more chances to survive there. Well, as they say “who studied what”. Now we need to dig trenches, I don’t have the strength at all, I just lie for half an hour looking at the beautiful blue sky, I think about going to the company and leaving the mortar men, on the other hand there are three people in the crew, one of whom is a driver at the same time, suddenly there will be no hands here either, I decide to stay with them, if it so happened that I ended up with them, then probably this is not by accident. I get up and decide to go through all the positions. The mortar positions are the most extreme on the left, my company is slightly to the right in front, the UAZs of 4 and 5 DShR are visible to the right of it, several vehicles did not leave with the Battalion Commander, there should be BMDs of the parachute battalion on the far right flank, but I do not see them, the airport territory is large, it does not fall into the review. Command, control and medics in the terminal. After passing through the company’s positions, I see that everyone is also exhausted, digging in, installing AGSs, Utyos and Atakas [ATGMs] (which no one has shot before because the rocket costs ₽500,000. I fuck with this office), they are laying grenades, cartridges, RPGs around the trenches, what- well, but there were no problems with ammunition, if you save money, you can hold out all night, of course, if the tanks do not take us apart with the guns from afar along with the Grads, the infantry will just go to clean us up. There were ridiculously stupid, old UAZ trucks stood ridiculously nearby, which would not even save them from splinters, revealing their positions. There was something unusual in everyone’s eyes, everyone seemed to be both themselves and not themselves at the same time, such eyes are not found in people in peaceful life, probably because everyone understood that it was quite likely the last day of our life, although just like the days before that. I looked curiously and sympathetically at those who were going to take Kyiv in 3 days, it was clear that something was beginning to get to them too. Despite this, everyone was digging in and it seems that no one was running away. Despite the fact that during the service we often made fun of each other and laughed at our professionalism, now everyone looked serious and addressed each other as “brother”. I felt a certain sense of pride for everyone who surrounded me there. Again there were thoughts that before we were lucky and now we won’t be lucky anymore, we need to tune in, before that, our ancestors are paratroopers also stood to the end and if now it’s our time, we need to stand with dignity, to die like this with music [honor?]. From this awareness and acceptance of the situation, again there was a feeling of resentment that all our preparation was only on paper, that our equipment is hopelessly outdated, UAZs and Urals, BMD2, Utyos and AGSs, all this is what was in service 50 years ago! Of course, then it was excellent equipment and weapons, but it’s been 50 years! Even our tactics are still the same as those of our grandfathers! We are an amphibious assault battalion, sent to war in UAZs! And then they are already broken-down, in many cases the stove does not work, a crack in the door is as thick as a finger! When it dawns on everyone that we, praising our equipment and army, without seeing any real problems, are simply self-destructing. Half of the men in the country have served in the army themselves and know how things are now, but when they quit and take it on their chests, they start yelling how we will beat everyone and how they can repeat themselves. How many idiots have I met in my life who prove to shit that they have the best of everything! What was created 50 years ago can not be the best, at least because the years do not spare anything, a huge amount of equipment simply could not get to the war! It’s only 200-300 km!

With such thoughts, I came to the next UAZ of my company, the guys having dug in a little, just sat down to warm the dry rations, someone, somewhere got a bottle of cognac.

Half the bottle was already gone and it was clear that the four of them had already relaxed a little, they handed me a bottle and I sat down with them. Nearby, a blue beret lay beautifully on the hood of the UAZ. Twirling the bottle in my hands, it became clear that the cognac is good. The guy who handed me the bottle said “Here’s to the boys”, I hit the bottle on their fists and took a few sips, the heat went up inside, from my mouth going down to my stomach…

I lit a cigarette and sat with them looking at the positions, these UAZs will be destroyed from afar by the tanks, all that will remain is to fight from the trenches, how few of us are here, where are our tanks that were yesterday? Probably the others have encircled the city, we have to hold the airport.

It didn’t relax me much, and while smoking with them, I chatted about how “Russians don’t give up,” and we got ready. It sucks when in such situations, all that is available to help is remembering the exploits of people who died a long time ago, in other wars. Patriotism is in your hands, instead of good training, support and modern technology.

I had to go dig a trench for myself, going two hundred meters back and to the left to the mortar, I saw that most had already dug trenches for prone shooting, it turned out to be a line of single trenches for prone shooting, choosing a place next to my crew of 4 people, I began to dig without stopping…

When I finished lining the trench with grenades, I left one of them in the trench, we gathered with the crew, warmed up the dry packs and ate a good meal, something, and our dry packs are good, boiled water and drank coffee from the dry packs.

During the day, sometimes I heard gunfire or volleys of weapons coming from somewhere, and several times I saw Pantsir missiles flying out from somewhere behind the terminal, shooting down drones.

It was already dark, walking around the mortar positions to chat with everyone, I noticed how much I liked the attitude of the Dagestani NCO, my age, who, although it was obvious that he was also excited, was brave and told everyone around that we will beat back those cunt Ukrainians, that we would stand to the last.

Closer to midnight, tired of waiting for an attack on us, I went and lay down in my trench, the guys brought a sleeping bag with a broken fastening. I lay down in the trench, wrapped in it, lying on my back with an arm around the machine gun, the grenade that I had previously left in the trench, I put under my head.

Lying on my back, I looked at the sky, it was very beautiful, very many stars and an unusually large number of satellites, I thought that life was beautiful, I no longer had the strength to beat my head analyzing everything around me, I decide that I will sleep, falling asleep again I set myself up that when the fight starts, I won’t yield, so that it doesn’t happen, if it comes to injury or captivity, then I’ll blow myself up with a grenade under my head, “God give me the strength to adequately accept what is destined for me”, “where I was born (at 56) there and came in handy”, 10 years of a completely different life in the past, while I worked with horses, did not seem real, as if it wasn’t with me, in another universe, it wasn’t me, I’m real here now, such thoughts were floating in my head, tuned in and feeling absolute happiness from accepting my fate, I begin to switch off… Still not fully asleep, one of those who patrolled, came up to me and with the words “Pasha, you’re still awake, let’s smoke”, began to tell me something about his family, children and wife… He was squatting next to me in the full dark, I was lying on my back wrapped in a sleeping bag in an embrace with a machine gun, I also lit a cigarette and realizing that he needed to talk and he was looking for support, I was telling him something, trying to understand, so I passed out…

February 28

Woke up with the dawn, “Lord, how beautiful this world is.” I want to live again.

At night I heard some explosions and shooting, I don’t know where, I slept too soundly, I remember that at night I woke up from the cold and then I fell asleep.

After walking around and talking to everyone around, we began to warm up dry rations, there was no attack at night, it seems that artillery from afar did not allow us to approach, I do not know the details, only rumours.

There was a murmur that our scouts had found a battalion commander and a mortar commander with them, two companies that had left ahead on February 24, it was not yet clear whether it was true or fake.

I hear a rumour that someone with a BMD cannon shot a civilian vehicle that did not stop, there was a mother and several children in the vehicles, only one child survived, he is now in the terminal. I am not one of those people who have illusions about war, the death of innocent civilians was and will happen in any war, but it becomes disgusting in my soul. While our governments are figuring out how to live among themselves, and the military on both sides are their tool, civilians are being killed and their usual world is collapsing. It seems that everyone understands this, but when you realize this, you don’t know what to do. If you drop everything and leave, then you become a coward and a traitor, you continue to participate in it and become an accomplice in the deaths and sufferings of people. Some kind of chess fork.

An hour later I see the UAZs of the 4th and 5th companies leaving, lining up and taking positions in front of us and to the left of us. The feeling of joy begins to overwhelm me, it means everything is not so bad at all, I go to them to say hello to everyone and find out where they were, what happened to them?

Having come to them and wandered from vehicle to vehicle, I find out that they crossed the bridge with a fight, took refuge in the forest waiting for the main column, there was no communication. I will not list the details that they emotionally told. Only the participants know what is true and what is not. I took a few packs of cigarettes from them and walked back in high spirits, at least some good news. Returning to the mortar trenches and seeing the returned mortar commander, who by the way has changed in appearance, probably like all of us, I find out that we are again digging trenches for mortars.

A couple of hours later the all clear command came, we began to prepare for the assault on Kherson…

There was an indescribable feeling, whether it was fatigue that spoke in us, or a feeling of not understanding the big picture, no one really knows anything, there is no one to learn from, everything is done at the last moment. In fact, the task of the Airborne Forces is to make a quick rush, take a bridgehead and hold out until the main forces arrive, there are no serious equipment and weapons in the Airborne forces, we are not the main army, our total number is only a maximum of 40 thousand, of which some are conscripts and they are in the garrison. Where is the army? Why is only my 6th assault company left at the airport, and the 4th and 5th, who have just arrived from the other world, are already sent to storm Kherson? Is the airport going to be held by one incomplete company?

With such thoughts, we are going to storm, there is nothing to do, no one is going to yield.

After lunch, around 17:00, we line up on the runway in column, about 30 UAZs of the 4th and 5th companies, our mortar must go in the UAZ company with mortars and a small supply of mines, trucks remain at the airport, we throw our mortars on the move and everyone is looking for a place on the move, in the end I do not want to, I wait until the last UAZ in the column, it turns out to be the UAZ of my company, it is the only one that goes out of the number of the 6th company. I jump into it, the column goes, we are 6 people in a UAZ packed with ammunition, grenades, Utyos and ATGMs. With difficulty I try to sit down, we all eat, having prepared weapons for battle and controlling everything around, ready to open fire at any moment. We leave the airport, while driving I see the opposite side of the airport, sometimes there are places where it looks like there were shootouts. The column is moving fast, everyone is tense, several “Tigers” are rushing towards us, it seems with Kadyrov’s men [Chechens], we greet each other by raising our hands. We move through the city, some hangars, private houses, we meet groups of civilians with bags, they are fleeing the city. Tension, while we eat, I barely try to stay in the open back of the UAZ, it’s crowded, grenades, grenade launchers are scattered on the floor, we sit and stand on them, on the move I think about how we ourselves are blown up and then write off everything as “Heroically fell in battle”. While driving, I look around through the machine gun scope and think how in the event of an ambush, I will have to manage to jump out of the UAZ in this cramped space (this bucket is stitched through with bullets, and taking into account the number of grenades and RPGs, it turns into a powder keg). We drove for a short time, a small bridge appeared in front, on either side of it a dried-up river overgrown with tall reeds, this is the entrance to the city, then the high-rise buildings begin. I really hoped that we would not enter the city in a column, it seems that I was mistaken, on the bridge our column lines up and freezes in place…

An ideal place for an ambush, the column stands on a narrow road, high reeds on the sides, private houses in the back, high-rises in front and to the left, on the right some kind of factory…

I can’t believe this fucking thing…

We are just a perfect target on our non-armored UAZ trucks, we stand for 20 minutes without moving…

Civilian vehicles drive in and out of the area. It can be seen that it will soon start to get dark…

It’s just a clownery, the question in my head is why they haven’t attacked us yet, maybe they’re luring us further, or they’re going to surrender the city…

For 20-30 minutes the column stood like that, tightly vehicle to vehicle. As a result, the first vehicles began to try to turn around on a narrow road and slowly move back. It turned out that we had missed the right turn. One company occupied positions on the right side of the bridge, the other on the left, some mortars on one side, some on the other. I got the position on the left. Civilian vehicles drove past us at high speed, half of them people were filming us on their phones, a Woltswagen [VW?] minibus flew by, inside I managed to see that it was packed with strong men… no one gives the command to block the road, a motorcyclist flew by with one hand filming us with a GoPro camera…

All this time we occupied positions like a perimeter defense, with a private sector adjacent to us in the back, and across the Kherson river overgrown with reeds in front. On each side there are approximately 15 UAZs, reinforced with 82mm mortars, in the Utyos, AGS, and Ataka companies.

The atmosphere is tense… it begins to quickly darken, and sporadic shooting began to be heard from the city. The command comes for everyone to dig in. No one seems to have gone there, but in the process I find out that from different directions, the rest of the troops from our 7th division approached the city, our parachute battalion is somewhere there, each unit has its own direction and objective, we are assigned the Seaport, will they really send us to enter the city at night…

In front of the river there is a small earthen rampart, a good position, but behind us there are private houses close to us, I think that it will not be difficult for an enemy who knows the area to bypass us if desired and attack. It’s dark, they don’t turn on the lights in the houses, I can’t help but feel a slight excitement from adrenaline, it’s not clear what our plan is, as always, no one around me knows anything. From private houses behind us, men begin to gather in groups and approach us, expressing their obvious dissatisfaction with our presence, we try to politely explain something, people are somewhat afraid of us, but some civilians behave very rudely, we are also a little on edge, it is not clear what to expect and from whom.

At approximately 23:00, something starts to burn in positions on the right side of the road, and about 10 minutes later a fire also starts on our left. Someone set fire to dry reeds to the left and right of our positions. It’s obvious that someone did this on purpose and it’s definitely not ours. Now, from a strong wind that has risen, a huge fire flares up, illuminating our positions like daytime, everything is bright, but because of the fire, we cannot see what is in the dark around us. There was a sense of unease in our ranks, as everyone took up positions and watched intently around us. The locals have stopped coming, maybe we are being illuminated for artillery fire.

The reeds in the river flared up more and more, the trees caught fire, the fire became high and strong. I stood next to the embankment, several guys were lying on it, watching the opposite side of the city across the river, which was now covered in fire. Someone said that he saw someone there, and he immediately shouted louder, “Stop, I’ll shoot.” I ran up to them and lay down, hiding behind the embankment, pointing the weapon down and peering into the dark places in front of us, somewhere a fire was burning, but there were gaps that had not yet flared up. In one of these places below us, now I also saw a dark silhouette, aiming at it, I start screaming in the most terrible voice I can, something like “Stop, bitch, I’ll shoot you in the head now!” “Raise your hands! Crawl here! Squat down!” the voices next to me shouted about the same thing.

The silhouette hesitated, but eventually began to approach us, crawling uphill on its hands and feet. When he was close enough to me, I got up and grabbed him by the collar, yanked him towards me over the hill, the huge guy flew at me from the top to which he had crawled towards us, and somehow I fell down the slope to my knees.

Immediately jumping up and running up the slope, back to the unknown kid and trying to take him by the scruff of the neck again, I see someone nearby swinging and about to hit him in the head with a rifle-butt, I shout “don’t hit me!”, I jump towards him, the butt sliding my hands met his head with a clang (not that I felt sorry for him at that moment, but it was much more interesting to talk to him and I had no desire to just beat him if he didn’t resist).

The kid starts shouting “don’t hit me!”, I pull his jacket over his head, he is dressed in black pants and a black jacket (not for the weather), we twist his hands, I start searching him, he has nothing except a lighter and he stinks of diesel fuel. I try to intimidate him by shouting, then switching to a calm tone, we ask why he set the fire and who ordered him to do it, he answers that he was going home and constantly repeats “just don’t hit me” in fright. By the way, no one beat him anymore, of course I can’t vouch for our entire army, but before my eyes, no one bullied anyone and much less raped anyone. We lift him up and lead him head down to the commander’s UAZ, where several other men in civilian clothes are lying with their hands tied with clamps.

I go back talking to other guys in the positions, I have no doubt that this guy set fire to the reeds and he definitely did not get lost. Walking back, I see that a group of men came out of private houses and one of them is talking obscenely to our people, I approach holding a machine gun on my chest, our Dagestani NCO is very politely trying to explain to them that we are not threatening them, trying to convince them to go home. After about five minutes, the men leave, they do not look friendly, I have a fear that maybe they are from the AFU and just dressed up and came to our positions to get a better look. It’s dark all around, right next to us everything is ablaze, gunfire is heard from time to time, we already have civilian detainees, and people don’t stop walking around. What is clear is that these fires reveal our positions. The feeling of anxiety and excitement from adrenaline does not leave, it is not clear what to expect. There is some anger at civilians, I understand that we are uninvited guests here, but for their own safety, it is better to stay away from us. Therefore, the behavior of civilians angers and surprises us. What the fuck are we doing here at all, this is definitely not our specialty, where is the National Guard, we are not policemen and not OMON, everyone is set up for clashes with the AFU, but no one wants to explain to civilians “why the fuck did we come here”, we don’t even know ourselves, orders come from the command at the last moment. It’s too late to argue, you’re at the forefront and it’s either you or him.

It was already two o’clock in the morning, it was very cold, the frost began, some people began to try to sleep in turns. None of them had any sleeping bags, a strong wind had picked up and the cold was chilling to the bone. I, like some people, went patrolling positions, so it’s warmer if you don’t stop. Sometimes it was clear that in the distance, someone seemed to be throwing Molotov cocktails, not allowing the fire on our positions to go out. There was information that one of the detainees found a group in the Telegram phone in which people gave information, photos and videos about how many troops were seen where and when. We are being watched online and a large number of civilians are involved. Doesn’t add any positives, the atmosphere is shit, there is nothing to eat, the mortar left without sleeping bags and dry rations.

Walking along the ditch where our people dug in and watching the city, I again hear someone shouting that someone is there in the ditch, there is also a strong fire burning in places. I run to the ditch, the guy starts yelling threats down “raise your hands!”, seeing the silhouette, I also start yelling obscenities aiming at the silhouette, I understand that if the shadow starts to do something wrong, then I will shoot without delay, my nerves are already at the limit. A silhouette on all fours crawls towards me, already at point-blank range, I see that this is a girl, grab her by the scruff of the neck and drag her across the ditch. Also not dressed for the weather. The girl is very scared and chattering something in a heap, mixing Russian and Ukrainian words that I don’t understand. I take her by the arm, as if on a date, and lead her in the direction of the commander’s UAZ, then my friend comes up and takes her by the arm from the other side, slowly walking, we calm her down, she is hysterical and she roars and says that she was looking for her husband in this burning ditch, but hid because she is afraid of us, some kind of bullshit. I tell her to show me what she has in her pockets, and she quickly pulls out and gives me the phone and says something like take whatever you want. I look at the smartphone, ask her to unlock it, she unlocks it and gives it to me, I watch instant messengers and messages. Almost all the last messages in the spirit of “Where are you?”, “I’m there then”, “There are warriors everywhere here”, “Here (address) are also warriors”, a lot of what is written in Ukrainian is not clear to me, but I did not read further and gave it back, it became again somehow disgusting from all this shit. Calming her down on the move, we bring her to the command and leave her with them. At this time, on the other side of the dried-up river, there were shouts like “Glory to Ukraine” and as if one of them was shooting from somewhere, the distance was long, it was hard to see and we did not shoot back.

It was very cold and fatigue was already just knocking me off my feet. Half an hour later, the girl passed us in the direction of private houses in the back, she said that she was released and she would go home. At the end of the street, about 200 meters away, there was a group of men, they did not approach us, she went to them and together they disappeared behind the crossroads behind our positions. I didn’t like this idea of command, and when I saw the commander, I expressed it to him. I don’t like all this either, but it is obvious that a woman in her right mind will not crawl in the dark under military positions, especially since everything is still burning here. What she was doing there is anyone’s guess. By three o’clock in the morning, I was simply turned off, making sure that there was someone to watch besides me, I lay down under a tree next to a fallen concrete pipe, behind it, hiding from the wind, lies a young guy with a mortar. He is shaking all over and says with chattering teeth that he is very cold, I am also frozen to the bone, so I get up and go somewhere to find a sleeping bag. There were not enough of them for everyone, not all of them were taken, leaving most of their things in the airport positions. After going around everyone, I didn’t find a sleeping bag, those who had them were not ready to give them up, everyone slept as long as possible, so that two people sleep, and the third is on duty. Some found some cardboard boxes and rags, hiding under them, trying to sleep until they had to watch. Having found some oilcloths and walking past private houses that were ten meters behind our position, I see that one of them was kind of abandoned and does not look like a residential one. Opening the gate and walking into the yard in complete darkness, I see that this old house is in the same yard with a good one, it can be seen that it is a residential building. I carefully walk to the broken-down house, but there is nothing in it, looking at the residential building nearby, located in the same courtyard, I stand and fight the urge to enter it, if there are people there, then ask them for blankets or something to cover myself. If there are no people in the house, just go in and get something to keep warm…

After a few minutes, I give up this idea, thinking that if there are people there, especially with children, then my night entrance to their house will just scare everyone completely and their reaction may be very different, they already have something going on around the house that you do not wish on anyone. Quietly closing the gate behind me, I take the oilcloths I found and go back to the pipe, where my young friend tried to sleep with his teeth chattering. The feeling from everything is vile, we are like creatures just trying to survive, we don’t need the enemy, the command put us in such conditions that homeless people live better. From some I heard grumbling in despair from the frost that he would now go to break the window and climb into some house, but no one did. I put one piece of oilcloth on the ground, the boy and I lay down huddled close to each other to at least somehow warm up, we covered ourselves with another oilcloth on top, it did not warm but protected us a little from the wind. Half an hour later we got up even more cold and began to walk to try to keep warm, it didn’t help much, but we couldn’t sleep from the cold. Almost everyone who did not take sleeping bags slept just like us. The vehicles were turned off and it was no warmer in them, and 30 UAZs were not enough for 150-200 people. From the command there was a ban on fires and an order to turn off vehicles in the evening. Despite the fact that everyone in this city already knew where we were and how many we were, and in front of the positions a fire was blazing, illuminating us in the dark at a glance.

Around 4 a.m., I saw that the commander’s UAZ started up and warmed up, the stove is working there. Those UAZs in which there was a working stove, followed his example, no one cared anymore, frost and fatigue overcame caution. I gathered some wood and lit a bonfire under a tree near a concrete pipe, one officer started telling me that it was forbidden to light bonfires, but I didn’t care about such a command, everyone began to change [gather?] around the fire in order to somehow warm up. Such nonsense, everything around is blazing. As a result, the objecting officer also did not disdain to warm up…

So we met the dawn of a new day.

March 1

No one had slept since five o’clock in the morning. The battalion commander gathered the 4th and 5th companies and almost at full strength, marched on foot to the city.

The mortar men remained in their positions with the task of covering if mortar fire was required, and individual platoons and drivers remained with us.

An hour later, they came back and said that on the other side, trenches were dug and bottles of incendiary mixtures were laid out, they were waiting for us at night. If we had come in a column at night, we would have been hot, not cold. The companies went on reconnaissance.

I found a UAZ with a working stove and climbed in, there were two people in the vehicle. I tried to warm up by talking to the driver. Warming up, I began to feel that my legs hurt, lifting up my pants, I saw that hematomas and a swelling appeared on my knees and shin bones (the consequences of falling from the truck when I pulled on myself a strong arsonist[?]). Thanks to the Motherland for the knee pads. Rubbing the swelling on my legs, I sadly said that now I would like a bottle of beer. Accumulated fatigue, thirst, hunger, cold, lack of normal sleep quickly remind us how we do not appreciate all this in ordinary life. I imagined how I would drink a bottle of cold beer right now and dreamily tell the driver about it.

He listened attentively looking at me, after a minute of my story, he went to open the back seat, from there he took out two cans of beer and handed one to me, saying that he didn’t have any more, but listening to my story, he decided to share with me, who knows what will happen next. I couldn’t believe my luck, so I slowly drank it and felt an indescribable buzz. Everything got a little better. Fatigue let go a little and relaxed a little, I’ve never had such a delicious beer.

Again, the command was received for the 4th and 5th companies to form up, they hurriedly left for the city without having rested after the last exit. We were left with mortars and individual platoons. The thought came to me again that why the hell did these mortars with a range of 3 km not stop me and it would be better if I went with them. The city was gray and gloomy, the frost joined by rain and snow. In the city, shooting began just from the direction where our people had gone. The rate of fire increased and the explosions of grenade launchers were added. The radio station in the KShM command vehicle began to receive information about the clash. Several Tigers drove up to the road and in short bursts began to fire at the roofs of high-rise buildings, there was information about snipers on the roofs. The battle intensified, information about our wounded began to arrive. Anxiety appeared among us, I saw how some were very nervous.

I felt uneasy that I was here, and the fight was going on ahead. I didn’t have the desire to kill more “Nazis”, but I had an awkward feeling that I wasn’t there right now. Judging by what kind of shooting and explosions were going on in the city, I got the impression that it was “fucked up” there. We could hear shooting from other directions in the city, i.e. our troops were also entering from other parts of the city.

The radio reported that two special forces’ Tigers would now leave with the wounded so that their own would not shoot them. They flew past us towards the airport. They began to collect the crew, the UAZ needed a volunteer driver and a machine gunner on the Utyos fixed in the UAZ to take out our wounded and take them to the airport. The driver was found, I volunteered for the machine gun (although I shot with the Utyos just once in my life). I had a slight jitters from the cold and adrenaline, I wanted at least to do something but not be on the sidelines. Half an hour later, the all-clear was over, the wounded were taken out in other vehicles, according to the information we had only two wounded, I could not believe it, given the rate of fire and the duration of the battle. Several times we received coordinates for aiming mortars and readiness to work on targets, but after a while there was a clear signal. The observers noticed movement in the reeds of the shallowed river, then it turned out that they seemed to see a woman there, I ran there with the mortar commander. In short dashes, at the ready to open fire, we found a woman about 50 years old in the reeds. After checking her bag and finding out who she was, we led her through our positions. She worked on the water supply, when the shooting started, she ran away from work, her house was behind our positions.

The city was gray, the smell of gunpowder was everywhere, there was shooting and explosions, something was burning, somewhere there was smoke, there were almost no civilians in sight, as if the city had died out, snow and rain and wind accentuated the gloom.

After lunch, the shooting became less and less frequent.The command was received to start preparing the vehicles to move into the city.

At about 17:00, we were standing in a column ready to move.

Nearby stood the UAZ Patriot of the battalion commander, there was no one in it except for his driver. The UAZ which I got into with my crew was overcrowded, the stove did not work in it, the battalion commander’s driver, seeing our tightness, began to wave inviting me to his UAZ. Without thinking, I jumped out on the move and sat down in the Patriot and began to warm up. The battalion commander was driving, I was just glad that at least someone could cover me if something happened. Lighting a cigarette, I put the machine-gun out the window and menaced everything that we passed. Broken vehicles, shops, in general the city was lucky, so to speak. Sometimes the column stopped, once again stopping near some house, I saw a man and a woman next to him, they stood nearby looking at us, I asked him if he had seen Ukrainian troops anywhere here, the man was smiling strangely and shaking his head negatively turned away, saying that he would not say anything and went into the house.

Half an hour later, we arrived at the Kherson seaport. It was already dark, and the companies ahead of us had already occupied it and were moving around, looking for places to sleep and wash. The territory consisted of a checkpoint, an administrative building, and a building more like a dormitory with warehouses, changing rooms, and shower rooms. Ships were parked at the dock. Mortar was assigned a large office on the ground floor. Other units, the Stavropol Airborne Regiment and the Stavropol Special Forces (formerly the GRU), began to enter the port. I went to wander around the neighborhood. Have you seen the paintings “Barbarians in Rome”? This will best illustrate what was happening. Everyone looked exhausted and feral, everyone started searching the buildings for food, water, showers and places to sleep, someone started carrying computers and anything valuable they could find. I was no exception, having found a hat in a broken truck on the premises, I took it away, the Balaclava was too cold, but it was disgusting to carry household appliances even if I was running wild from life on the street. Walking around the building, I found an office with televisions. Several people were sitting there watching the news, and they found a bottle of Champagne in the study. When I saw the cold champagne, I took a few sips from the bottle, sat down with them, and started watching the news intently. The channel was in Ukrainian, half of it was unclear, all I understood there was that Russian troops were coming from all directions, Odessa, Kharkiv, Kyiv were occupied, they began to show footage of broken buildings and suffering women and children. I felt sorry for all the dead and wounded, especially civilians, but the news instilled a little optimism, our people would have taken Kyiv, Odessa and Kharkiv faster so that all this shit would end faster.

Coming out of the building, I saw the battalion commander with the officers, greeted him as required by the regulations, he greeted me shaking my hand, I gave him a cigarette, Marlboro red, I stand smoking and ask him about everything. All he basically told me was that everything was fine, it would all be over soon…

On that note, with the hope in my heart that everything would really end soon, I went to the offices where the mortar was located to go to bed.

The offices had a dining room with a kitchen and refrigerators. We ate everything like savages, all that was there was cereal, oatmeal, jam, honey, coffee…

Everything was turned upside down and we ate everything we could find…

We absolutely didn’t care about anything, we were already pushed to the limit, most lived in the fields for a month, without any hint of comfort, shower or normal food, and after that, without allowing people to rest, they were sent to war.

Everyone was chaotically looking for a place to sleep, there was a cursing for queuing for the shower. I was disgusted by it all, even though I knew I was part of it. How much the should the command care about its people, about those who, with sweat, blood, health and life should carry out their plans is not clear to us. To what extent can people be brought to a wild state without thinking about what they need to sleep, eat and wash? We got such a large city as Kherson with little blood.

Despite the fact that I have a lot of impudence, I decided not to argue with anyone about the line for the shower. It seemed to me that now we would hold the city and there would still be an opportunity to wash ourselves. It was almost midnight, I took off my bulletproof vest (for the first time in a week), undressed to my thermal underwear, laid everything along with the weapon on a large two-meter table, and lay down on it. I felt a sense of bliss, my whole body was buzzing and needed sleep. The office was good and for some, perhaps even very good. Lying on this table on my back, my head automatically covered with a uniform, I remembered that I once also worked in a similar office. I was a different person, as if in another life. Now, like a savage, I’m lying in the office we turned upside down, on the table, and I feel like I’m in a five-star hotel, if you don’t pay attention to the occasional shooting.

March 2

At five in the morning they woke me up, my friend and I had to go to the post, we got the checkpoint gate to the port. Pretty quickly, everyone began to wake up, the Stavropol Airborne Regiment was leaving somewhere, I still didn’t want to let in either the battalion commander or the regiment commander. He did not know the password … What nonsense, the passwords are not consistent with each other. In the end, I let them through without a care, all they had to do was load themselves into APCs in front of the gate, the coordination between us was at zero.

At dawn, our Stavropol Airborne colleagues left for the unknown. Our people also began to gather and load into the vehicles. This was a surprise for me, because I was sure that now we would have to hold the city, all my hopes that we would stay here and still have the opportunity to wash ourselves failed. I left to at least wash my face and brush my teeth. Walking through the offices, it was clear that overnight we had turned everything upside down. Coming out from the other side of the building, to look around out of curiosity, I met people breaking the coffee machine in search of money, it’s not clear why the fuck they gave up.

At 11 o’clock, the companies left for the city, information was received that they were to control negotiations with the city administration. The mortar and the Stavropol special forces were left in the port for control and support in case of emergency. Partisans remained in the city and a sniper was shooting somewhere.

Taking up positions in the windows, we watched, mortars standing ready for battle. I was in the director’s office, leather furniture, a large-area room and a huge desk, the safe was already open, a good library, most of the books were in Russian. We spread out to different windows to observe the surroundings. A guy came to me with a bottle of cognac and a chocolate bar, offered me a drink, and I agreed. He was from the Stavropol Special Forces, after drinking a few sips and talking with him, I was pleased that he was far from stupid, he also did not like all this shit. He said that this shit would last for a long time, he knew how strong the AFU was near Donetsk and did not believe that our troops would be able to quickly break through the defenses there.

When he asked me why I was wearing a green demi-season shirt, I told him how I even had to buy it myself so that it was new and the correct size. He gave me a set of Ratnik camouflage suit and sneakers, saying that he had more, they had the best of everything, it was clear that these were his things, they were not new but washed, I can’t tell you how happy I was with them at that moment. I am generally struck by our ability at the level of ordinary soldiers to help each other and unite in war, where we become brothers, in peaceful life we forget about it again. How many ordinary soldiers unite there, how much the big command doesn’t care about us…

After lunch, several UAZ trucks arrived and we huddled there like sprats, together with mortars, went to the city center, where the rest of us were. Cordoning off the city center and controlling it, we stayed there until the evening, there was also a special forces detachment from Rosich (there was no opportunity to communicate with them normally). The mortars were useless and we, along with the others, held the center of the city. Negotiations were underway in the administration.

It began to get dark and again, like sprats, huddled in the UAZs, we began to leave the city for the Kherson airport. While we were driving, preparing for attacks and holding weapons at the ready, we came across local civilian looters robbing their own shops. On the outskirts of the city, our riot police, reinforced with APCs, appeared, they were inspecting rare civilian vehicles. Back at the airport in the dark, we settled back into our earlier-dug trenches. There we learned that while we were away, the airport was shelled with artillery and there were casualties.

March 3

The next morning there was a rumour that we would go to the assault on Nikolaevsk and further to Odessa, I couldn’t believe it, don’t they really understand at the top that people are exhausted…

Soon, a command was received for everyone to load and leave.

The column of our regiment, consisting of UAZs, trucks and BMDs, advanced towards Nikolaevsk, we already had noticeably less equipment. We drove first along the highway, then through some fields, as it turned out, we were going to storm the Nikolaevsk airfield. After lunch, our column, which was driving through the fields, began to be fired upon by artillery, the column stopped, there were explosions nearby, we jumped out of the vehicles, prepared mortars for battle, had to run through a ditch in which our our legs were wet to the knees, I don’t know who gave the coordinates, we fired several volleys. Several UAZ vehicles drove off in that direction, we ceased fire, I saw explosions from artillery in front of the column next to us. First, the ambulance drove there, then it drove back. The damaged UAZ drove back in the wake of the captured ambulance. Artillery shelling continued on us, but no more than three guns, the column was still standing, no one gave coordinates any more. Half an hour later the column moved on. Private houses appeared, abandoned Ukrainian equipment, it is clear that the AFU’s fortified positions were abandoned recently. We received an order to dig in at its outskirts, while we were setting up guns, with the support of an ATGM platoon, there was a battle nearby a little ahead, almost everyone went there. Around us were abandoned positions and equipment of the AFU, empty Javelin boxes and an abandoned Ukrainian infantry fighting vehicle. There was shooting and explosions next to us, but a little ahead, who, where, whom it is not clear, Kinzhal-type missiles were flying, aircraft were heard, several Javelin-type missiles flew back over us. When it began to get dark, our UAZs began to drive back past us. Stopping them and asking what was there, I realized that no one could clearly explain, they got into a cunt cut, well-fortified positions of the AFU were in front, it seemed that ours randomly retreated…

Who’s running all this shit?

It’s almost dark…

We also received a command to vehicles, after driving literally 500 meters, we got up and the command came to everyone to lie down and spend the night here in silence. Without strength, we slept in the bushes on the ground, very cold, patrolling at night, it was not clear who was where, there was a rumour that the battalion commander was killed…

March 4

At dawn, by vehicle, we go back, where it is not clear, after driving about three kilometers, we take up positions in the forest belt, helicopters flew forward. Taking advantage of the pause, someone tries to eat, someone to sleep. I see the paramedic of the company, ask him “what’s wrong with the company, Brother?” He answers “that one was killed, that one, that one was wounded.” Once again, we are being shelled by artillery, it is not clear from whom and from where. Hiding in a wooded area under a large tree, someone addresses an officer hiding behind the same tree: “Comrade Major, what should we do?”

The answer is “I don’t give a fuck what to do, I’m not a battalion commander, I’m a political officer!”

Everything is clear, no one expected a different answer.

Again, in vehicles, everyone is randomly driving back, on the way I see the Nonas of the parachute battalion taking up positions, firing towards Nikolaevsk, I see my company jumping on UAZs.

In general, it felt like everyone was driving back chaotically, but according to someone’s orders, the shooting has stopped.

I see helicopters flying away from Nikolaevsk, later I learned that at least five were shot down there.

We’re going back, it’s not fucking clear…

I don’t know why, but on the way back I got the impression that maybe they had made peace? After all, before this, the divisional commander said that everyone would celebrate at home on March 8, and a couple of days ago I saw on TV in the port of Kherson how Kyiv and Kharkiv were being bombed, that ours had surrounded the cities, there was a rumour that the Marines took Odessa…

I don’t know why, if I’m delirious, if I’m tired, if I’m looking for hope, there was an idea that maybe this is the end of the War, because those at the top must understand that after 11 days without rest, no one can attack effectively…

After lunch, returning to the Kherson airport, we saw that the number of troops there was increased, Msta artillery, Buratino, air defense and infantry appeared there, it was no longer so sad. The infantry was poorly dressed, old helmets and old camouflage, as it turned out later they were mobilized from the DPR… We looked down on them, realizing that they wouldn’t be much use, most of them were about 45 years old and were dragged here by force. Now we have heard rumours that motorized infantry refuses to go en masse, perhaps that is why we do not have the opportunity to rest. There was anger at the refuseniks.

Having already given up on everything, everyone was lighting fires and warming rations, after eating and discussing rumours around the campfire, we went to sleep exhausted in the trenches. Thanks to the troops who arrived, there was a feeling that we could relax a little.

March 5

In the morning there was another rumour that we were moving back to Nanikolaevsk… At night, the artillery worked on Nikolaevsk. Having gathered in the column, we moved there again.

Driving around the fields in the suburbs and falling under artillery fire, we changed positions until nightfall…

March 6

The morning started again with artillery firing at us. Jumping into vehicles and throwing smoke, we again stop in different places and again change positions when we come under fire, including from Grads with cluster munitions. By the way, the accuracy of the Ukrainian artillery was not too high then.

By the evening, having found a position somewhere near the border of the Kherson and Nikolaiv regions, we spread out on a huge stretch of about 20 km, given our small number.

March 7

My crew with mortars is sent to positions next to my 6th company. Arriving there and spending one night, I meet my own, one of the sergeants says that there are few people in his platoon and four have been lost near Nikolaevsk, without hesitation I say that I am leaving for the company in this platoon, especially since until that moment the mortar sat, roughly speaking, on the sidelines.

A little later, the mortar unit also began to suffer losses, losing more than half of the wounded.

 

Then there was Groundhog Day for more than a month. We dug in, the artillery worked on us, our artillery worked on the AFU, our aviation was almost invisible. We just held our positions in the trenches on the front line, without washing, eating, or sleeping properly. Everyone was covered with beards and dirt, and their uniforms and boots began to fail. Various rumours began to appear, we did not see high command. There are various rumours that many people refuse to go to war, that we will be paid ₽5 million on our return, that we almost won, that our losses are huge and that NATO is sending its soldiers, that the dollar is ₽150, that sugar has tripled in price. There was nothing to eat except dry rations and then again and again they said that one box would last for two days. Then they said that there are no more dry rations in the division. After some time, some smart guy at the top decided to put a field kitchen behind our position, where they found volunteers from our company as cooks. Because of it, the shelling increased. They announced that they would pay money for each killed soldier of the AFU or damaged equipment, just as the militants used to do in Chechnya. From our company they were looking for volunteers to be cooks, the previous volunteers refused, the shit that was sent for cooking was not particularly edible. Most didn’t eat it at all. Not a single wise guy with the stars thought of putting a ban on the daytime movement of equipment, which is why the shelling increased, it was clear from the drones where the equipment was going and after it, the shelling most likely began, thanks to which almost all the equipment failed. As a result, they said that there is a BMP 1! And we’ll have them soon. They are already 60 years old! Nobody brought us a new uniform, shoes, ammunition or warm clothes. A couple of boxes that arrived, called humanitarian aid, contained cheap socks, T-shirts, underpants, and soap. Only packages from relatives and wives in Feodosia reached us. But for some reason, the packages did not always reach the addressee and were opened. Only thanks to them, we began to somehow “normally” eat tea, coffee, sweets and canned food. The AFU tried to counterattack from different directions. While the Airborne Forces and 33 VDV from Kamyshin remained, they did not succeed. Some started shooting themselves in the limbs or deliberately standing up [to get hit] to get ₽3 million and get out of this hell. Our prisoner’s fingers and genitals were cut off. At one of the posts they began to put dead Ukrainians on seats, giving them names and smoking. At night, satellites flew over us like nowhere else in the world. A girl in a neighboring village had her heel torn off due to the shelling by the AFU, our medics helped her. Due to artillery attacks, some villages have practically ceased to exist. Everyone was getting meaner and angrier. Some grandmother poisoned our people with pies. Almost everyone had a fungus, some had teeth falling out, skin peeling off. Many discussed how when they return, they will [complain to the command] for providing incompetent leadership. Some of them started sleeping on duty because they were tired. Sometimes we managed to catch a signal from the Ukrainian radio, where they poured mud on us and called us orcs, this only made us even more embittered. My legs and back hurt terribly, but an order came not to evacuate anyone due to illness. Someone began to drink heavily, it is not clear where he found alcohol. There were rumours that we would be equated to the veterans of the Second World War. Group O was withdrawn from Kyiv, saying that negotiations began as a sign of good will. I immediately said that this is bullshit, no one would have brought the group out like this, so there will be a lot of losses. After the withdrawal of group O, the pressure on us was increased and AFU helicopters and planes also began to arrive at our positions. The regiment held its positions until the end. But there were losses. Every time I was shelled, I pressed my head into the ground and felt it again I thought, “Oh my God, if I survive, I’ll do anything to change this!” I don’t know how, but I want all those responsible for the fucking mess of our army to be punished. I wanted the war to end, and I hoped that the politicians would finally come to an agreement. What happened can only be compared with stories about the Great Patriotic War, sometimes it seemed that the whole world was also at war. I was not afraid to die, I was offended, it was a shame to give my life so ridiculously, I was offended for everyone who gave their life and health because of this shit, it’s not clear for what, for whom? It’s a shame for my father, who served his whole life in the 56th, where is he now? I serve where I spent my childhood and youth. Where is what was before? How could that legendary 56th that I knew be ruined! I was offended that the top doesn’t give a shit about us, they demonstrate in every possible way that we are non-humans for them, we are just like cattle. I was offended that before the war that they started, they did everything to ruin our army. And every time during the shelling, I kept saying “God, I will do everything to change this if I survive.” Even then, I decided that I would describe the last year of my life, so that as many people as possible would know what our army is now. An army that was confidently falling apart while we were all silent and believed in the parades on May 9 on Red Square, on May 9, when we thanked our ancestors who ended the war, was it really their descendants who started it?

 

By mid-April, earth got into my eyes due to artillery shelling, almost two months in the lenses dried in my eyes, and the earth that got into it aggravated this and keratitis began. After five days of torment, because of the threat of losing an eye, when the eye had already closed, they still evacuated me.

 

This shit is over for me, but I can’t let go of the bitterness that people are still destroying each other there and only creating more mutual hatred with each passing day.

 

In this retelling of those events, I tried to convey as honestly and reliably as possible what was happening there, to convey my thoughts and feelings then, what I saw around me. Retell it as if I were confessing to myself. I have no intention of slandering anyone, embellishing anything, or hiding anything. Exactly as I described, this war looked like to me.

 

Returning in disbelief, I find out that it is forbidden to say “war”, seriously? What the fuck is this, then?

The law on the discrediting of the Russian Armed Forces is directed against the Russian Armed Forces themselves!

And what about the many other laws that are aimed at ensuring that I, as a citizen, do not feel like a slave?! Have they been cancelled?

 

Our government has found a great way out for itself, to forbid talking about it, we are allowed to speak only in a positive way. But I am convinced that by hiding all this, we will never change anything for the better. Problems must be raised, discussed and resolved, and not hushed up and hidden, aggravating the current state of affairs even more. Probably to tell about all this, I’m more scared than being at war, because I understand that the system will chew me up and spit me out, calling me a “traitor”.

 

I survived, unlike many others. My conscience tells me that I must try to stop this madness. I don’t know why I kept having these thoughts, “God, if I survive, I’ll do everything to stop this.” But you will have to fulfill this promise…

As it is sung in one famous song - “I don’t want to stand on the other side of the wall called hell”.

A lot of “experts”, often very far from the army, spoke about the reasons for the “failures” of our army.

 

I will express my opinion:

 

1) The main reason is that we did not have the moral right to attack another country, especially the people closest to us. Most people in Russia pretend that nothing is happening and do not want to cloud their thoughts with this, and Ukraine rallied just like the USSR in 1941. No matter how now both sides hate each other. But thirty years ago, we were one country, Russian roots from Kyiv, Ukrainians and Russians are the same people, we have many family ties. That is why everyone in Ukraine hated us, because the betrayal of a “relative” is much more painful than an outsider. We were divided by state borders and different political views of our governments. But nevertheless, when it all started, I knew few people who believed in the [Ukrainian] Nazis and, moreover, wanted to fight with Ukraine. We did not have hatred and we did not consider the Ukrainian people as enemies. Many citizens of Russia still do not think so, I draw such a conclusion from communication with ordinary people around.

 

2) The second reason, this is how it all started, to start the “special operation” with shelling the territory of Ukraine with artillery, aircraft and missiles… What kind of reception from the civilian population did we expect if civilians woke up on February 24 from explosions of artillery, aircraft and missiles? The Ukrainian people, just like us, survived the Nazi invasion in 1941-45. They were brought up on the exploits of their grandfathers who fought against fascism. On the exploits of those who defended the country at the cost of their lives. What did we look like on February 24th? Who expected that after such a start, the people would not rally against the invaders? Or was it the plan to sow real hatred between us?

 

3) The third reason is the terrible corruption and mess in our army, its moral and technical obsolescence. For twenty years, they entered military institutions by bribes and fraud. Many idealistic and worthy people who served in the army left it, realizing that it was useless to fight the system. That they would do anything other than actual military training. Career growth is possible only if you have connections and loyalty to the system. In the current army, in order not to have problems, do what they say in silence, even if they say complete stupidity. The system of military institutions and the structure of officer ranks has outlived its usefulness. Of course, the officers will say that how do I know when I did not graduate from military institutes, and I will answer that it is to see, so I can see better from the outside, because I was not taught for five years to silently carry out any order, but since childhood I spent a lot of time watching how everything works in the army and that I see, as the whole world sees now, that something is wrong with the Russian army. Officers are still being taught how to run a conscripted army rather than a professional army of contract soldiers who are often older than younger officers. Selection for the army is far from common sense, it’s hard to get a job, and it’s even harder to quit. For many of these reasons, many really promising people who are interested in military affairs go to PMCs [private military contractors, eg “Wagner”]. The salary of a contract employee is far from decent. It is a worthy choice for people only from low-income strata of the population, whereby it is not surprising that many men do not want to go to the “contract” army. Why be surprised that someone couldn’t resist grabbing trophies in the form of a computer, if his salary doesn’t allow him to buy it? How can an army be run by people who haven’t served in it? How can they know and understand its problems and needs? How can really promising and enterprising contractors break through to the top? No way! A person must get a job at a military institute after school and come as a 21-year-old lieutenant to the army, go through 100 circles of hell from bureaucracy, chaos and humiliation to become a company commander, then new circles of hell for the deputy, the battalion commander and so on again and again. Therefore, a huge number of officers give up such service and leave. Those who still rose to high positions, sit silently clinging to the position with their teeth and do not contradict, because it is not for nothing that they have endured so much to achieve this. At the same time, not understanding that it is precisely because they are silent that the system eats itself. The creation of strong and friendly teams is impossible in such conditions. We’ve all dreamed of being in the military, not doing anything but actual military training, but we end up doing anything other than military training. The system does not let the most promising, strong and smart people go up, but those who could adapt to it, the higher you climbed, the more you had to get dirty. In our country, millions of men left the army due to the fact that in this system of lack of common sense, you either do it silently or leave. Military regulations were written for the army of the past and have not yet been adapted to modern realities. We all curry favor there, and do not make the army stronger. Everyone knows this, but we are all silent. We were forbidden to say this and raise these problems, if you talk about what is wrong, then you are a traitor, as a result, we now continue to fall into the abyss of our inaction. Modern warfare will not allow untrained infantry to win. Tanks, planes, ships and missiles are all great, but we need strong professional, mobile, disciplined assault infantry. It cannot become such without education, preparation, selection and strong motivation. In order for such infantry to appear, there should be the possibility of feedback, when the problems and needs voiced below are heard and begin to be solved at the top, and not require pretending to report later that everything is fine. At the moment, many who have returned from the war are leaving, taking with them their experience, even if it is a negative experience. Because upon return they cannot achieve the required payments, treatment and seeing that no one is going to change anything. Everyone sees that not all seven received compensation for the dead. The man is listed as missing, but no one cares when witnesses come and say they saw him die. Awards are not always given to those who deserve them and are not given to those who deserve them. In our regiment, I don’t know that they gave it to anyone other than posthumously. At the same time, I heard that they signed a decree on awarding the Zhukov medal to me. But at the same time, I will not accept it, I do not think that I did something good and somehow deserved it. It is impossible to win in a modern war by the number of mobilized and untrained infantry. Volleys of artillery and MLRS will grind this crowd. A lot of our equipment is outdated or insufficient, and the complex system for supplying new equipment does not work efficiently.

Many things exist only on paper and reports.

Our ammunition and uniforms are inconvenient and of poor quality, as evidenced by the fact that most military personnel buy and change into American, European or even Ukrainian models. Why not ask the soldier what he wants? But before that, assure him that he will not get any penalty from his superiors for telling the truth…

Why again, as in 1941, are we not ready for a modern military reality, because if we are attacked now, it will cost us millions of lives. Why doesn’t history teach us anything? Why do millions of men who served in the army know about this and keep silent?!

 

Returning back, as I wrote at the beginning, my eyes were treated and released on all counts, ignoring the fact that I limp because of my legs and back, and my right eye sees poorly even with correction. After being examined in a private hospital at my own expense, I found out that the cause of pain in my legs and back was a sequestered hernia in my lower back, a hernia in my neck and three protrusions. I was diagnosed with dorsopathy due to degenerative-dystrophic changes in the spine, muscle-tonic syndrome, asthenic-neurotic syndrome. For our reality in military hospitals, this is generally considered healthy, they will not treat me. In spite of the existing rehabilitation order, no one sent me to the sanatorium. I also had to be treated and buy medicines at my own expense. For two months I tried to get treatment from the army, went to the prosecutor’s office, went to the command, to the head of the hospital, wrote to the president. Nobody cares, nobody helped. No insurance, no treatment. I asked to be transferred to other troops because being objectively blind and with a sore back I have no place in the Airborne, considering the fate of my father, I already know that no one will appreciate it and my problems are just my own. Having given up on everything, after a conversation with the deputy divisional commander, I decided to take the VVC [military medical commission] and leave for health reasons. Having handed over the documents and passed the doctors, no one appoints me a meeting of the VVC, for a month now, as a result, they say that they lost my documents, and the command said that I was evading service and handed over the documents to the prosecutor’s office to initiate a criminal case, not caring that I was prevented from passing the VVC. Many taking such a show-off are trying to send back [evade service].

The political officer of the battalion, Mr. Schennikov, is a scoundrel and an alcoholic who, sitting next to me under artillery fire during the unsuccessful assault on Nikolaevsk, when our battalion commander died, answered the questions of the fighters “what are we doing?” in a panic, “I don’t fuck what to do, I’m just the political officer of the battalion!” Later, he drunkenly overturned his UAZ and probably claimed it as an injury during the fighting. The command sent him back as an alcoholic. And this “officer”, having returned from the war, bravely starts a case against me for my absence from the service, taking revenge for my attempts to enforce the laws concerning me, for complaining about him, for unsuccessful attempts to achieve justice through the Ministry of Defense, the Main Military Prosecutor’s Office and a letter to the President. Taking advantage of the fact that having decided to leave this mess for health reasons, I have been going through the VVC for more than a month, the commission meeting has not been scheduled, and as a result, my documents were simply lost there, there are massive shortages of doctors in the hospital, the old broken-down hospital is packed with wounded in the corridors.

Just yesterday, he was furious with impunity and simply stood in front of everyone and said that he didn’t care, write letters to the president, now he is absolutely sure that he can behave as he pleases, apparently they have already been given carte blanche from above. Their goal, for the sake of a new star, is to throw as many people back as possible, even without training and equipment. Finding a soldier who can’t answer him, he just stood there and insulted him by calling him “a schmuck, a motherfucker and scum”, because he doesn’t want to go to such a war again. Finding those with whom you can talk like that, they are simply humiliated and spread rot. With those who won’t let you talk to them like that, they will initiate a case under any pretext or find another mechanism of influence. For all the time in the war, I can’t remember how the officers delved into the problems and led the soldiers, many of them got drunk and sat in normal fortifications, while all the shit was done by ordinary contractors. It is there, gentlemen officers, that we needed you as father commanders, it was there that you had to show yourself. And not in the daily service of useless formations, work and outfits. Where the measurement of a good soldier is reduced only to shaving and obedience. The only one who was an authority there for ordinary contractors was the deceased battalion commander. I don’t want to say that all contractors are good, and all officers are bad. But at least it is not normal when most of the soldiers do not respond positively to any of the officers.

And it is not normal when officers look down, behave and treat contractors with condescension. Isn’t it in our history that a similar injustice led to a riot of soldiers and sailors under a red banner? God forbid that something like this should happen again.

An army in which they ridicule their own soldiers … those who have already been at war, those who do not want to return there, it’s not clear what they are to die for, those who know that there are a lot of dead, whose relatives were not paid compensation, and the wounded and sick, in the majority of cases are denied compensation and insurance. In a war in which no one will care about your provision, what you will eat and drink. Where even parcels sent to relatives and friends can be stolen. Where humanitarian aid often does not reach the front line and all the cream settles in the headquarters on the second line. I did not believe that it would come to this, but in this war they simply decided to shower Ukraine with our corpses, women are still giving birth. When more than half of the regiment is gone, someone quit for various reasons, sick and wounded, dead. There are even those who have not yet been paid anything, because, according to the documents, they were not there, and again, letters to the Moscow Region do not bring any result. Three guys in my company, having served eight months before the war, did not have military ID! And now they simply bring people from civilian life to the regiment, often aged 40 or more, on contracts of 3 months and without any preparation, without equipping them properly, they try to close the gaps in personnel. From the legendary 56th they make a militia regiment … surely Uncle Vasya would simply be horrified to see what the Airborne Forces have turned into. There are hundreds of thousands of men who served in the Airborne Forces in the country, have you forgotten how the paratroopers were abandoned in Afghanistan and Chechnya? Are you resigned? So now, what happened to us in Ukraine will outweigh everything in history! We have always been at the forefront, and as a result, the broken system has discarded many.

Why do many people have the feeling that those at the top are simply trying to exterminate us by using troops for other purposes and putting them in such conditions! At least they didn’t think of landing on ILs! With all this, I do not know anyone who would get cold feet and run away! I know those who, having returned, don’t want to go back. Despite the lack of proper training and support, I didn’t see any deserters! But now I really see that the troops are destroyed by incompetent leadership, after the losses of the wounded and killed, in the Airborne Forces they simply recruit everyone in a row and then they throw them into the front line. The latest rumour that they will recruit from prisons is completely fucked up. Aren’t you ashamed of what this mediocre command did to the Airborne Forces? Who is the traitor? What am I [here] for? Or is the command turning a blind eye to all this for the sake of a career? Who believes that this war can be won like this?!

Why did they unleash all this at all?!

Where are the real enemies?

How can the government give a shit about those who must, at the cost of life and health, fulfill their plans that are incomprehensible to us.

After returning from the hospital and having access to the phone and the Internet, I began to greedily absorb information from everywhere. Our federal sources dryly and concealing the truth spoke a blizzard about some other reality.

Bloggers and YouTube stars said they were ashamed to be Russian and ashamed of Putin’s army… fucking hotties, while we were there not understanding why and why, dying, maimed and suffering what they can not imagine in real life, you called us Putin’s army! We are not Putin’s army, we are the army of Russia and we gave the oath to the people of Russia, and you, who bear the passport of a citizen of the Russian Federation, are Russia, and if you could not gather your balls in a fist and go with other people to demand from the government (which you chose) the abolition of the war, then all this shit is on your hands. Russia is not Putin, Russia is people with Russian passports. The Army of the Russian Federation cannot make decisions, there is a strict hierarchy, so that tomorrow if someone attacks us, then the Army does not think, but immediately acts to protect your squeaky ass, which you hid abroad. And you say that you are ashamed of us? Are we ashamed of you? Where were you while we were dying, maimed, and suffering injuries? Where?! You were afraid for your comfort and could not go to the administration building and say “No to war!”, for fear of getting an administrative card. Let me tell you a secret that even many members of the Moscow Police who chase people at rallies refuse to go anywhere to face them, women and old people did not shout “invaders” in their faces, many of them do not want to participate in this. There is no war, it is these consolidated words that can stop anything. You sat in your comfortable homes or abroad and whined that you were ashamed of us “Putin’s army”. Tear up your passport and don’t you dare call yourself a Russian, never and nowhere! In the West, such citizens as you are also not needed, if you do not know, then read about how Western society built democracy at the cost of its blood, how US citizens died and fought with Great Britain to get this status for the sake of independence and citizen status! How US citizens were able to stop the Vietnam War! What did you do? You ran away! Declaring to the whole world that the army is not yours! What a shame you are for the nation! That you are ashamed of the president who became Tsar because of your inaction and cowardice! You’re a plebeian! You don’t deserve to be a citizen! I am ashamed of you, just as I am ashamed of my incompetent command that thinks only of its own ass, just as I am ashamed of the government that thinks only of itself and forgets about the people, just as I am ashamed of the president who is out of touch with reality, just as I am ashamed of you who carries a passport of a citizen of the Russian Federation, but for nothing but whining, you are a slave and a product of a corrupted system, tear up your passport, or go and become a citizen, if you are not ready to put anything on the line, then do not disgrace the long-suffering country in which you are a parasite and nothing more. Most of the military do not want to kill anyone and especially do not want war, but we are bound by laws, we are bound by a sense of guilt before our colleagues, no one wants to be a coward, we cannot throw down our weapons and run away, we are bound by a sense of patriotism through which we are used by propaganda.

 

Returning to Russia, I struggled with a strange feeling that I am against war and I feel sorry for the people of Ukraine, and that I am drawn back, because the most real and real life opens up to you only in the face of death, when you understand that in any moment you will not be, only at this moment you understand what life is and how beautiful is this world. These feelings were also mixed with the fact that I was ashamed to be safe while others sacrificed themselves, especially when you return, the command will lag behind you in every possible way trying to ruin your life for refusing. We have all become hostages of many factors, such as revenge, patriotism, money, debt, career, fear of the state.

I believe that we played too far, we did not annex the DPR and LPR, we started a terrible war, a war in which cities are destroyed and which leads to the death of children, women and the elderly. I think that the fault of the Ukrainians in this is also there, when they did not stop their rabid ones who shouted that they had been fighting with Russia for eight years, (with the same success of our propaganda that we are at war with NATO) when they did not shut up those who were going to march in defeated Moscow, on Red Square. Did you get yelled at? Despite the fact that the Russian army has shown the world all its flaws and mess in it, but nevertheless, Hell is happening in Ukraine and the AFU have no less losses than the Armed Forces of the Russian Federation, in a country in which many of our relatives are killed, the military of both countries and civilians who find themselves nearby. Our rabid ones have taken up the wave of yours and dragged everyone into the war, and now we are all drawn into madness. We, two fraternal peoples, Slavs destroy Slavs, we hate each other like madmen. We are the two heroes of the victory over fascism, we are turning into fascists on our own sides, while the majority is silently watching this, fearing for their own safety. Of course, most of the blame is on Russia, because we were the first to attack, but we must not forget how many slogans there were in Ukraine, where Russians were directly insulted and called second-class. How the entire YouTube was filled with videos of Ukraine with supposedly “evidence” that Russia is a country of second-class people. Fuck off! And all sorts of devils are just happy to watch us destroy each other. As crazy as it may seem to anyone, there’s only one way to stop it. Both of our peoples, Orthodox Christians, we both need to start forgiving each other, because revenge and hatred will only make the situation worse every day. Thousands of years of history teach people that war is meaningless, but we will never understand it. If it is precisely at the level of nations that we are unable to offer each other a hand of reconciliation, then we will simply destroy each other. The rabid ones from Ukraine are shouting about how they will seize the Kremlin and after they liberate Ukraine, they will not stop there, not understanding that this makes the situation worse, that such slogans make even those who are against the war in Ukraine think. Ukrainians mock and cut off our soldiers’ genitals, ours bomb cities with rockets, which kill women and children, and propaganda from both sides only adds oil to the fire, openly calling on us to destroy each other… this is just a horror, wake up, we are people, we are Orthodox, we are not different, we are not enemies, we were pitted like dogs in the arena and when we feel the blood we cannot stop! Where are all the damn Christian churches? Whatever you say, you offend the believer, but where are all these believers who suddenly forgot the messages of the prophets! We violate the main ones, we hate and destroy each other! How can you trust the church after that?! She’s sending us out to destroy each other! I wouldn’t be surprised if it comes to nuclear weapons if people don’t start talking about the problem. Everything is in the hands of our peoples, not governments. The government is the representatives of the people, until the people make it clear to the government that no one wants war, this extermination of each other will continue. I met a huge number of ordinary people on the street who are against the war and a small number of those who say that we had no choice, but did not meet anyone who would say that he wants to go and kill. How, despite all this, does the extermination of each other continue?! And God forbid anyone should think that I’m calling to the barricades, it will only lead to more bloodshed. Now is the moment when we need to tell the truth, and the truth is that the majority in both Russia and Ukraine do not want to kill each other. And while this majority sits in silence, more and more people are drawn into the war.

With every day this madness continues, there are more deaths and hatred for each other, for the dead that are added on both sides daily.

Many people may not understand this, but this is the reason why people who did not sacrifice themselves in the war do not have the right to make a decision about its beginning, launching this mechanism that is difficult to stop later. What is the moral right and who has the right to decide on a war where thousands of your citizens and citizens of other countries must die there?

I don’t see the children of Skobeeva, Solovyov, Kiselyov, Rogozin, Lavrov, Medvedev in the trenches, but I constantly hear calls from them to kill. The son of which Duma deputy is at war? Are their children more talented and smart than the children of workers and peasants? Or parents do not wish them to such a fate as ours, when many go there because it is at least some chance to earn money.

They are only ready to shout that it is necessary to send to their deaths the children of workers and peasants, for the sake of who have broken away from reality! In our country, the population is aging endlessly. There are a lot of old people and sick people around, and we unleash a war in which young and healthy men who trust propaganda die.

 

All they can do is send their children and mistresses to study and live in the West! Get citizenship there and enjoy real justice there! They want everything that is there! But they are not able to create anything like this in Russia, all they did was loot and plunder the country, thinking only of themselves! All these reforms and initiatives served only to enrich those who mastered the budget.

 

I am ashamed of the officers and commanders who exchanged honor and conscience for pensions, stars and awards!

 

Thank God that I did not enter the military institute, because almost everyone knows how long they took bribes there, starting from 2000 and this is exactly the generation of officers we have now!

How few commanders have become capable of raising their people to attack and leading them! How few of you are able to cover your own fighters with yourself, and it is for this that every soldier will then save you! It wasn’t for paperwork and ass-licking that you went to work for the command! Each of you is a commander whom people should follow! How many ordinary contractors have heard that we are second class! I will never forget the evening parades where the commander starts telling how some freak somewhere raped a grandmother and that God forbid some freak among you does this, and you stand there and think “What are you talking about?!” Yes, most of them have no education and come from poor families, but this does not give you the right as a commander to talk down and send people into battle while remaining safe, while receiving a much larger salary and rewards! What happened to you? What do you now learn in military institutes? don’t they teach the Suvorov Testaments? Instead of building a team, you mostly follow the rule of “divide and conquer” by destroying teams.

I am ashamed of the government at any level, from the countryside to the capital!

I am ashamed of teachers who fake elections!

I am ashamed of the doctors who destroyed health care and seek only profit!

I am ashamed of the police dying in corruption! When often the help and protection of the police is really needed, it cannot be obtained. And I have no doubt that the majority went there to protect.

Why have our courts become the epitome of injustice? I can’t believe that the judges went there only for profit, and not to administer justice.

I can’t believe that the prosecutor’s office employs people who went there not wanting to be a bulwark of the law for citizens.

Why don’t we have representatives of the people in the Duma?!

I am ashamed of our people, who fence themselves off from all this, hoping that it will not affect them. It hasn’t dawned on you yet that it will affect everyone! Every year they turn us all into slaves harder and harder. If you don’t want to, we’ll force you, if you don’t agree, you’ll agree, if you don’t like it, we’ll put you in jail.

I am ashamed of myself, for the fact that I can not and do not know how to fix all this!

But the most terrible and most important institution of the state is the army! There is not a single country created without an army! The army is the country! The army is the face of the people! The army is those who, at the cost of their lives, must defend the borders of the country in case of a threat to it! None of us wants to be an invader, we didn’t grow up on such ideals, we all wanted to be defenders and were brought up on the glory of our ancestors who defeated fascism that came to us, and now they have made us invaders!

The most terrible thing is the collapse of the army, which is exactly what happened in our country a long time ago. If parents do not want to send their children to the army, then everything is already bad. Most of those who have weight, power and money in this system do not send their children to the army, realizing that everything is bad there. The Kiselyovs, Solovyovs, Simonyans, and others will scream to the end, sending everyone to war as long as they are paid for it, but they send their children to the decaying West. Even if years later we can capture the whole of Ukraine, why the hell do we need it, isn’t it enough for us to have the land left behind by our ancestors? How many millions of Russians, Ukrainians and other peoples of Russia do we need to destroy for this? How much poorer our country will be after this. Come on, people, wake up. I don’t understand what’s going on, why everything’s turned upside down, or how we came to this without anyone noticing. Probably the same as two years ago, despite the fact that everyone understood the uselessness of the mask, but humbly wore them because they were forced, and now suddenly Covid disappeared from Russia altogether.

We are just now destroying our army, which was already far from being in the best position. When our army is completely weakened, do you think the militia, haphazardly armed and without equipment, will be able to resist the modern army of China, the USA or the EU that has already attacked us? No, after we have further weakened our own army with our own indifference, a foreign army will come to us, and in modern warfare no one will fight back with pitchforks and guns.

Years later, when our people will be exhausted from war and poverty, when it will come to everyone again how terrible war is, when we will starve, when state employees will again stop receiving salaries, because the state has gone bankrupt, then it will come to everyone, but nothing can be changed. Russia itself will fall apart, and then good men from the West will come to us, who frighten children and China, will lend a helping hand in exchange for land and resources… When again the exhausted people have nothing to eat, when they are unable to field an army, that is when these people will forget about all their imperial ambitions and will agree to any conditions. There is not a single [eternal] empire in history, all empires fall apart sooner or later.

Now we are following the path of Byzantium…

We don’t need an empire, we all need a normal, free, fair, modern country. Where you can live, develop, work and love.

I believe in God, but I do not see God in our church, which has forgotten the main commandment “Thou shalt not kill” and blesses us for killing our Orthodox brothers. I just can’t believe it until now. I don’t want to be Kochubey, I want to be Peresvet. In my understanding, upbringing, conscience and heart, there is a justification for murder only if I save my own life, someone else’s life, or defend my land from an invader.

[Note: “Peresvet” is also the name of a laser weapon.]

Why the fuck did you send me to Ukraine? What the fuck, when I lose my health after that and want to quit, you want to put me in jail by depriving me of all the rights prescribed in the guarantees for military personnel? For what? For the fact that I do not see the point in the war in Ukraine? Because I don’t have the health left to follow these crazy orders? For trying to achieve justice by complaining on the website of the President and the Ministry of Defense that the entire command is busy only with the fact that they need to send as many people as possible to the war? And their whole purpose will be to curry favor with the next star [superior officer.] More than a month has passed, and I have not been given an answer according to the laws!

 

One airborne colonel, a former friend of my father, told me, “Pasha, I am a grain of sand in this system, and you are a speck of dust.” Let me be a speck of dust and my soul rot in a “beautiful” Russian prison, but I will not be silent! My conscience and my whole being says that I despise this broken system! What I am doing is right! I am a man brought up on the exploits of Russian weapons and the glorious history of my ancestors, who has resigned himself to die many times, now they are making me some kind of traitor and trying to frame me for criminal charges for the fact that you can’t say what you think, for not wanting to serve in such an army, for not seeing the point in this war! They tricked me into a fratricidal war, and now they will probably put me in jail! I can’t do anything more now, except to write everything that has accumulated in my soul while in this madhouse! For me, there is no God in the church! He is inside me, in the form of my conscience and my conscience says that I am doing everything right! To those who have crippled and recycled the priceless human material of people who are ideologically and spiritually ready to give their lives for the sake of the Motherland! How many people have already given their lives? For what? So many men capable of sacrificing themselves have been so stupidly fucked up! All that has been done over the years is to bring up the slaves of the system perfectly! From a great and educated people, the richest and most respected country in the whole world, they made a herd of weak-willed slaves! This is all they could do, steal, divide and fool the great people!

In my understanding, this government is either completely incompetent, or there are agents of the West whose goal is to destroy the country. My favorite book is The Quiet Don, as much as I don’t want to repeat this story, but at the top they do everything to repeat it. Around us, most people are dissatisfied with what is happening, but everyone has been intimidated, their hands are twisted and their mouths are gagged. Moreover, this is done just as often by dissatisfied people, but by the will of fate they found themselves in the executive system. What about our intelligence agencies? After all, there were the same people with whom we all grew up and were brought up on the same values. Why is everyone who is dissatisfied with something and raises the topic that the country is full of injustice, are declared agents of the West and enemies of the people!?

Once, for general development, I read the Bhagavat Gita and all I see is that the Kali Yuga predicted there is what surrounds us now. The great country is mired in lies, deception, theft and substitution of values. Huge lands are empty, the ecology is being destroyed, the economy is collapsing, the people are mired in the vice of money because of poverty, and the money is from the unscrupulous and sold out. From the people of the victor, they made the people an invader and an aggressor for the whole world! Apparently, now is the time when the people are responsible for the consequences of their inaction and indifference. All branches of the state have degraded - the Ministry of Defense, Health, Education, the judicial system, agriculture, manufacturing and industry, the space industry, the military-industrial complex, sports, culture, devalued the status of a citizen by flooding the country with immigrants… And all this was not told to me on the Internet, this is what I see every day and everywhere.

 

The people in power themselves did not serve in the army and do not understand what it means to be ready to give your life and health for the sake of the country at a penny salary, do not understand what it means to live on ₽30-50,000 a month, when you can’t afford much for it, the only thing that motivates you is patriotism, it seems that it has not been among the people for a long time; in the war, you remember your great ancestors, those who gave their lives so that we could live in the biggest country in the world, destroying the strongest fighters of the world like the Tatar-Mongols, Napoleon’s France or Hitler’s Germany, great ancestors who gave us at the price of their blood the opportunity to have the largest amount of natural resources in the world. Not so long ago we were considered the most educated nation in the world, the strongest army in the world and one of the greatest cultures of this world, why are veterans dying in poverty in my country, why have we forgotten who we are? Why did the whole world laugh at us and hate us? Why have we fallen so low in all areas? Why are we now in Ukraine with weapons, because our roots are from Kyiv, a thousand years ago our ancestors came from there and created a great country?! Why should I now, along with these guys surrounding me, perish, for sure, as well as thousands before me, in Afghanistan, Chechnya, Dagestan, Yugoslavia, Karabakh, Georgia, Syria and many other regions, because the overwhelming majority of the country will not remember us when we are gone, there will be no men who are ready to give the most valuable thing that a person has - this is his life and health, ready to give it for the sake of their country. We have no idea what’s going on or why we’re being ordered to go there or capture this, we find ourselves not knowing where, doing who knows what, while you’re recording a YouTube video that you’re ashamed to be Russian, while you’re very likely defecting from the army, living in a great country, speaking a rich language, instead of having the courage to go out to protest on the streets of your city, you run away from the country or write anonymously on the Internet that you are ashamed to be Russian or “glory to Ukraine”, “Death of the Putin army”. Putin’s army is the army of the Russian Federation and if you have a passport as a citizen of the Russian Federation, then this is your army, if you are upset with what it does, then state it and demand its withdrawal from the government, while you have no time to be interested in politics, which, with the tacit consent of the citizens of the Russian Federation, has completely detached itself from reality. While you were writing this, people like me were getting ready for death, worrying about the fact that if only everything was good in Russia, many died or were already crippled, with thoughts of worry and not understanding what is happening there in Russia, whether my house and my loved ones are still intact. I’ll tell you a secret, the majority in the army are dissatisfied with what is happening there, dissatisfied with the government and their command, dissatisfied with Putin and his policies, dissatisfied with the Minister of Defense who has not served in the army and does not fucking understand it just like you, but expecting from you, at least some action, because for me, as a soldier, for the fact that I am writing this, from 7 [years] to life imprisonment, and possibly death from some kind of traveling “comrade” who considered that I was a traitor who hates our army.

I do not know how to convey to millions of biomass with passports of citizens of the Russian Federation that we are to blame for everything that happens, it’s us, we are all to blame for the death of citizens of the Russian Federation and Ukraine, are you a citizen of Russia? Didn’t you say that nothing depends on you in the elections? You didn’t go to the polls, did you? Did you pay bribes to the cops? Did you buy a university degree? You knew that all state-forming institutions, such as the police, courts, healthcare, education, were destroyed in the country, and the army is the main and most complex institution of the state, without its own army, someone else’s army will appear in the country. All of us, millions of citizens, have been watching our country crumble all these years, but if you don’t understand it, you’d better jump out of the window. In my opinion, people who are not interested in their country and politics in it should be deprived of the electoral right to vote. In a country full of people who know nothing about it, no history, no geography, no political structure, people who did not give the country anything and at the same time do not want to do anything, people because of whose indifference all this began…

But such “citizens” also often like to talk about “politics”, with statements such as “We can repeat it” (go and repeat! Why aren’t you on the front line yet?) or “Navalny is a faggot, I’m sure he’s an agent of the West,” (yes, I don’t give a shit whose agent he is, you were given a step-by-step breakdown about which official stole how much (from you and me) and instead of demanding that the whole country conduct a transparent investigation and punish or acquit them, we did nothing, we don’t want to be citizens of our country, I see that we behave and live like plebeians… It is not surprising that there were unscrupulous people who usurped power in the country and elevated themselves to the absolute, because the plebeians are not ready to make decisions and take risks, everything will be decided for them and their opinion will not be asked. It seems that serfdom [abolished in Russia in 1861] has remained in the subcortex of the population. All this crowd cannot unite on more than one issue. So many diverse people bear a passport of a citizen of the Russian Federation that it is simply not possible to unite them in more than one initiative for the common good. Russians yell that they are ashamed to be Russian and whine about it to the whole world sitting in comfort and warmth, are they ashamed to be Russian? So kill yourself, you freak! Ashamed of the war? So go and get the authorities to end the war! That you shame the whole people with your whining to the whole world, you are a citizen of the Russian Federation, you have the right to your position, you have the right to express your views, but before you express them, read at least the Wikipedia article on the topic you are going to talk about! Others are yelling that we are a Great country and the whole world wants to destroy us, but they don’t want to do anything about it, they don’t want to be citizens of their country, they don’t want to influence politics inside it, they don’t want anything, glue these Z’s on the glass of your imported vehicle, you decided that you made your own contribution to victory? Get ready and run to the front, freak, just before that remember what our ancestors said, and they raised a toast not only “For victory” but also such as “if only there was no war” or have you forgotten how the fighters in Chechnya and Afghanistan said that war is terrible, show me at least one person who remained in his right mind after the war and said he wanted more! They return there to earn money or because they are ashamed that they are safe while the majority is there, they are influenced through feelings of patriotism, camaraderie and duty. But does patriotism consist in a willingness to destroy a neighboring state, and not in love for your country? Why was the love of the country and the love of the government put equally?

But a large mass in the country takes a tricky position of waiting, “I don’t know shit about the house”, they are not happy with all this and understand that everything is getting worse and worse, but they do nothing, let others rock the boat, I’ll sit and see who wins, “idiots who are ashamed to be Russian” or “frenzied with the letter Z on the glass of a vehicle”, I will join those who win. Usually these “citizens” give arguments that nothing depends on them, or “I have a family, children”, so that’s exactly “You have children!”, I don’t understand you at all, do you want them to live in such a surreal country?! What kind of future do you want them to have?! Every year the country falls more and more rapidly to the bottom of this world!

How much I have heard in my life about the greatness of our army from a variety of people who have not even been there themselves, but when I tried to explain something to them, I heard only a set of stereotypes from propaganda and they could not think about the fact that our army was in decline, hearing any arguments. There is another category of people, even more dangerous, these are those who are in this army, those who, seeing the whole mess from the inside, lie to themselves and everyone around that everything is not so bad. They have different motives, it is not long until retirement, big stars on their shoulders for the sake of which he put common sense aside all his life and endured anything for so many years, just to advance his career in this rotten system. Now all these people see how, while they were sticking their tongues in their ass, the army was so much destroyed that it was unable to cope even with the Ukrainian army. What America or China are we talking about? The collapse of our army brings the arrival of a foreign army closer, ask the Ukrainians how much they like the presence of a foreign army, and not those who are “ashamed to be Russian”, not those who “wanted to repeat”, the presence of a foreign army in our country will not be pleasant, in this case you will immediately regret your criminal inaction, but it will be too late.

I’ve grown so tired of watching the growing absurdity in my country over the years that I don’t care anymore. Imprison for life, I don’t want to see it all.

I am not a slave! I’m not a coward! I’m a patriot! I’m sorry that this was my fate! I feel sorry for the Ukrainians, brotherly people for me! But even more, I feel sorry for the used Russian people, the peoples of the great USSR, whose people were used by others, but more unprincipled, ruining the largest and greatest country in the world! My great-grandfather fought for this country, but he was dispossessed and exiled to Siberia! My father left [died?] early, giving his health to this country, and in return he could not receive normal medical care! I, like many others who arrived from the war in Ukraine, cannot receive normal medical care and have to be treated and buy medicines at my own expense. Who else believes in justice and guarantees in this country?

I understand that this system will mix my name with shit for everything that I wrote here and put me forever in the most distant prison. However, I can’t keep silent:

I’m not a coward, and I never was. I am not satisfied with what is happening in my country. If I come back from the war and don’t have the right to say “No to war!”, then who has? No one? Isn’t this a sign that serfdom is back in the country?

I was brought up on the exploits of the Russian people over the invaders! I was not taught, not by my parents, not in military school, not at the institute, not in the army to be an invader! We Russians are not murderers of children, women and the elderly! They are trying to make some kind of ISIS out of us. Most of those who are now at war are dragged in by fraud, blackmail, or want. The system has built everything so that many military personnel cannot leave due to a mortgage, approaching retirement, or simple financial need. Someone does not want to be a coward, but there are not many people who are fighting ideologically.

Most people don’t want war, and they’re not morons who believe in Nazis and want to kill everyone. Most of them are people like you, who want peace, who want to go home to their loved ones. Which are just like Ukrainian soldiers, don’t want to die and like ours don’t want to kill everyone. I do not personally know of any cases where one of our soldiers has abused people or, moreover, raped women there, of course I cannot say for the entire army.

Here is one of the cases that I know, one guy from my regiment, the Ukrainian media on all channels accused that his wife had allowed him to rape Ukrainian women. He had the stupidity to call his wife from the front line, as a result, his conversation was recorded and edited, they make it look like she allows him to rape Ukrainian women and they laugh at it together. That’s a lie, this guy was almost always in front of me and the places we were at didn’t imply a female presence. Where did he rape them? Who was he raping? In a column? In a trench? In Kherson, where there was almost no one on the streets during the assault? Wherever we were, there were almost no civilians, and most often they avoided us as far as possible. Even if someone was going to rape someone, I have no doubt that his comrades would have shot him in the leg themselves. This is a blatant lie, this particular case is turned upside down, a competent edit of the conversation was made. The media on both sides of us are just telling lies to get us to kill each other as much as possible, and we’re all stupid enough to believe everything and enjoy the new shit that’s being thrown at us like a fan. I repeat that of course I can not vouch for the entire army. As no one adequate from the AFU will be able to vouch for all of his own. Does anyone have any doubts that there were also those in the AFU who did not deny themselves slander, considering it their trophies? The worst thing is that children are dying under the fire of artillery, aircraft and missiles! Our Slavic children! There are very few of us Slavs in the world! But do you really believe that the evil Russian soldier aims guns at them on purpose? He was given the coordinates, he has no idea where he is shooting, he was told that there is an enemy, of course this is not an excuse, but one should not make flayers and murderers out of everyone. The main enemy of both Russians and Ukrainians is propaganda, it only fuels hatred in people even more.

I don’t want to justify anyone, but if we do not understand that our madness with a veil of hatred in our eyes is from the crazy propaganda of destroying each other, if we Slavs do not calm down and do not sober up from hatred, then we simply will not survive, not Ukraine, not Russia.

Hatred and murder will destroy us, we must reach out to each other.

I fought in Ukraine, if I don’t have the right to say “no to war”, then who has the right to start it? I cannot bring our army home, but I can tell you my experience and my thoughts about participating in this war and urge my fellow citizens to deal with their country, which has so many problems of its own. Who put the balance between supporting the government in the decision to start a war and supporting their army, which should do this shit? In spite of everything that is not fair to me, I still love my army and will not forget the death of comrades, most often young, those who are ready to sacrifice for the sake of their country. I can even find an excuse for the government to break away from reality because the people are afraid and do not want to express their position and influence politics. A vicious circle of some kind, we are all to blame, but conclusions must be drawn, it is necessary to begin to correct our fall. Where is the breadth of the Russian soul? Where is our nobility and spirituality? I can’t believe that we have become serfs again, and after all, for the sake of freedom, our ancestors shed so much of their own blood. Maybe it won’t change anything, but I won’t participate in this madness. Morally, it would be easier if Ukraine attacked us, but the truth is that we came there and the Ukrainians did not invite us.

It seems very suspicious to me that the army was systematically disorganized, convincing the population through TV about the opposite, despite the fact that millions of men who served earlier, know and see that the army is falling apart. At the same time, we were told that our main enemy is NATO and Ukraine. And as a result, having destroyed the army, they start a real war.

I understand that this gesture of peace will cost me dearly, but I can’t silence my conscience. For sure, a “fair” court will sentence me to life, they will tell me that I was bought and I am an agent of the West, but I can no longer look at it all in silence. I was not afraid of the war in Ukraine, it was infinitely insulting that I could not change anything. But for some reason it’s scary for me to publish this text in my country, to voice what I think, because here you can no longer tell the truth and what you think, you can’t defend your legal rights here, you can only go to die in the war for the sake of unformed goals or survive for the sake of a happy future of the country, which for some reason, constantly runs further and further away from us.